koolguywow

It's not my fault I'm so damn good looking is it?! hahaha (kidding)

I often realize I'm great at hiding the thoughts that tremole my mind and torture my soul. I often find myself examining my actions in thrid person wondering if I'm displaying signs of slight manic depression or acute? w.e. its proper term be. I remember a long time ago someone I now consider friend whom I have not seen in a long time said He thought I might be Bi-Polar,.. I wasn't sure what that meant at the time and when he explained it to me I was in awe,.. possibly for two reasons,.. 1st> the fact that anyone had ever taken the time to examine and question my behavior outside of school,. and wasn't getting paid to do so. 2nd> because I had to stop question and think about my own behavior patterns and personality triats, actions and what fuels them etc.

Anyway,.. I'm a much stronger person than people think of me and I fear I may be alot weaker than I think of myself to be,.. or is that the other way around?

I sincerely believe that there are alot of thoughts on my mind that are better left locked in there.

I remember someone once told me they wondered what I would write about them "affter we were over",. someone who took that time to find as much of my internet babblings as possible and form herself a map of how she believed I think,.. I was so disgusted that she had already planned for an after us that I swore to myself I would never satisify her neeed for mention,.. with that being said I've decided to never mention anyone involved or revolving around me or in my life.

unless its something dumb or for business like purpose etc.

i want to buy a domain space and dibble my thoughts into,.. sadly enough I see I have become just another sitting at a computer,.. easy to control,.. with no rights. a tracked and monitiored IP address left to be told I'm free only till internet laws start to hit,.. a matrix in the early making days. The prehistoric to what potential may become.

With mass religions that condemn those who willing to live for anything outside of their personal gains or for their "GOD" or glory of.

I am a perfect loser in every sense of the word nothing real to hold on to,.. nothing real to love or care for,.. just false hoods to push me forward,.. dead inside,.. lifes ultimate slap in the face.
Oddly enough I really genuinely enjoy making other people happy or making them smile,.. like honestly feel i'm doing good for someone,.. I recently thought,.. well i hoped i had been doing that for someone,.. and lost that persons friendship. Overstepped my boundries? questionably debatible(sp?)can those two words even go together oneafter another like that? i dunno,.. w.e.. I wasn't wrong,.. I'm not wrong now,..

i wish i could move a billion miles away and start over,... I wonder if given the chance how many people on this planet would choose the same. like totally free you asked to make a choice cause theirs a new planet a billion miles away we can live on and their looking for volunteers to colonize it. and you'll be frozen over solid till we get there,... whether everyone we knew now will be long dead already is adding too many variables too early but I wonder,.. I wonder,..

I wonder if I died now,.. and could look up what happened with everyone whom was every involved in my life at one point or another ,.. then to compare it to if I would have continued living that difference it would have made compared to my never exsisting at all....
sad if I just made no difference either way,.. that would truly be depressing,.. yet ,.. in its own way,.. i wonder ,...

blah blah blah

wish i owned a spaceship