Open rant to the guy at the Synagogue today:
Alright. I screwed up by putting a chumash on the floor and face down. It's a bible, I get it. Your tone was stern and you corrected me with several other people within earshot. I'm thoroughly embarrassed now, but I've learned my error. Thank you. I come from being a member of a religion that has no written dogma for 13 years. A religion that worries more about the message then what it's written on. And I still hold that is more important, but I'll observe the ritual for the sake of tradition.
But also thank you for getting the gears in my head turning. As I stood there dressed in clothes I'm not comfortable in, reading along/mumbling along to the seder as I try and keep up with the service I'm still learning, trying my damnedest to blend in, I felt less confident in myself as an aspiring Jew than I ever have.
Until my gear started turning and I figured out why.
All this time, I've tried to be something I'm not. I stand in the room with the congregation, many of whom are dressed real nice and have airs of being, if not well-to-do, at least stable and suburban. I, however, have spent the last few months barely being able to feed myself or get my bills paid. I've done so much that probably can't be understood by someone who's not lived my life. I've grown up listening to punk and metal and hard rock and hold dearly to the non-conformist messages contained therein. I've happily spent 3-4 hours working on a character for Dungeons and Dragons and then spent all night playing that character. I've spent hours manipulating images or files or working on networking issues. I've participated in pagan rituals involving blood and invoking gods and spirits to take revenge on a rapist. Years of my life have been spent researching occult and esoteric subjects ranging from voodoo to scrying to even the Kabbalah. I've spent nights in dark rooms, high on ecstasy, listening to Bjork and feeling the notes of the music as physical sensations. I've spent weekends stoned off my ass, watching Dexter and Heroes and playing Street Fighter II. I've spent nights at fetish clubs, gay bars, on-stage in lingerie doing Rocky Horror, and any number of things that would make most people blush. And I have no regrets, no shame, no guilt. The mistakes I've made, I've learned from, or tried to, and feel no guilt for the actions.
I am not like you. Nor am I probably like anyone else in the congregation. Clearly, the things I've done might make it hard for someone born Jewish to understand how I got where I am. But when it comes to our faith, we are no different. While we all walk the path of the Torah, my road is different. It always will be. It cannot and should not be the same. I will keep kosher. I will honor the Sabbath. I will keep and treasure all the same things you do, but I won't and don't have to completely change who I am to do it.
And for helping me realize that, I thank you.
Alright. I screwed up by putting a chumash on the floor and face down. It's a bible, I get it. Your tone was stern and you corrected me with several other people within earshot. I'm thoroughly embarrassed now, but I've learned my error. Thank you. I come from being a member of a religion that has no written dogma for 13 years. A religion that worries more about the message then what it's written on. And I still hold that is more important, but I'll observe the ritual for the sake of tradition.
But also thank you for getting the gears in my head turning. As I stood there dressed in clothes I'm not comfortable in, reading along/mumbling along to the seder as I try and keep up with the service I'm still learning, trying my damnedest to blend in, I felt less confident in myself as an aspiring Jew than I ever have.
Until my gear started turning and I figured out why.
All this time, I've tried to be something I'm not. I stand in the room with the congregation, many of whom are dressed real nice and have airs of being, if not well-to-do, at least stable and suburban. I, however, have spent the last few months barely being able to feed myself or get my bills paid. I've done so much that probably can't be understood by someone who's not lived my life. I've grown up listening to punk and metal and hard rock and hold dearly to the non-conformist messages contained therein. I've happily spent 3-4 hours working on a character for Dungeons and Dragons and then spent all night playing that character. I've spent hours manipulating images or files or working on networking issues. I've participated in pagan rituals involving blood and invoking gods and spirits to take revenge on a rapist. Years of my life have been spent researching occult and esoteric subjects ranging from voodoo to scrying to even the Kabbalah. I've spent nights in dark rooms, high on ecstasy, listening to Bjork and feeling the notes of the music as physical sensations. I've spent weekends stoned off my ass, watching Dexter and Heroes and playing Street Fighter II. I've spent nights at fetish clubs, gay bars, on-stage in lingerie doing Rocky Horror, and any number of things that would make most people blush. And I have no regrets, no shame, no guilt. The mistakes I've made, I've learned from, or tried to, and feel no guilt for the actions.
I am not like you. Nor am I probably like anyone else in the congregation. Clearly, the things I've done might make it hard for someone born Jewish to understand how I got where I am. But when it comes to our faith, we are no different. While we all walk the path of the Torah, my road is different. It always will be. It cannot and should not be the same. I will keep kosher. I will honor the Sabbath. I will keep and treasure all the same things you do, but I won't and don't have to completely change who I am to do it.
And for helping me realize that, I thank you.
drifty:
The wilderness is lonely and beautiful. The well worn path is not the only one.