I've been trying hard to go out and meet people. Limited sucess has followed.
I spent an hour trying to find a '30s style fedora at a couple of thrift stores.
I was in Borders for 2 hours and had two decent coversations (with cute girls, no less), but those were with employees of the store, and not likely to become a social contact.
I went to 4 or 5 different bars or clubs tonight. Some I actually entered, others I checked out and decided not to go in. One was a quiet social pub, another was a music-oriented (typically rockabilly evidently) bar, another was a psychobilly/punk bar, and the last was a leather bar. I only actually went in the first and last one. The pub was a nice place, but the people...just not my type. I chose not to go into the music bar due to a cover charge (I wasn't about to pay for a bar that I might only spend 5 mins in). The punk bar...that one...by that point I was getting bored/depressed and the large crowd scared me away. The leather bar...not a bad place, I wouldn't mind going back there with friends, but from the moment I walked in, I felt like the large number of older guys were seeing me as a piece of meat and I had a really old, grizzled man proposition me.
Between the two punk bars, I went to the Gypsy for a bit. The first time, the cute girl I drooled over before proceeded to have an indepth discussion of sex with her friends. When depressed and frustrated (in many ways), that dug into my skin and I left.
After the leather bar, I returned to find that a guy my primal side of my brain has reason to want to club over the head (Yes, it has to do with my lost love. Turns out that about a week or two after I agreed that maybe we did need to break up, she went on got her fuck on with this other guys. He and her dated a long time ago and have known each other their whole lives practically. He resented me for dating her. I think he still feelings for her, and I think she was wrong in bringing back in. The whole thing also makes me question that maybe she was cheating on me even when we were together.). I avoided him as best as possible and spent the next hour or so bored until I decided to try and chat up the beautiful girl who was studying near me. I managed to actually make conversation, but I'll be extremely lucky if anything comes of it.
My night was less than fun needless to say.
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I've been stuck with more self-analysis though. If I seem bent on meeting someone, it's simply because I just want to feel comfort and sympathy and all those things that being close to someone gives. I want that connection to someone again, since the only person I had one with is now (most likely permanently) gone. She and I are trying to be friends, but that doesn't really help my need for human comfort. And I know trying so hard means that it won't happen because I'm perhaps forcing it, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm honestly wondering if I'm going to find anyone else.
My resentment and bitterness...that has been an interesting study. The logical side of my brain says "You failed to live up to her expectations, you failed to please her and treat her like the goddess she is/was, and you failed as an adult (since you couldn't handle basic common necessities about money and such), so she stopped loving you." And the logical part of my brain accepts that. The caveman part? That part of your brain that's all about dominance and alpha male and all that? That part says "He steal mate, he steal happiness. Take rock, hit his head, take his ear, toes, and teeth as trophy and take mate back." Not to say that I actually wish to commit violence upon him, but that basic, primative impulse results in bitterness and hatred of him and can make my stomach turn knots when he or the previously mentioned male are mentioned. Right now, he makes her happy and I'm glad she's happy. I'm jealous as well that she gets everything she could want and I'm stuck with nothing, but I really am happy that things are good for her right now. Hopefully I explained that properly enough that it won't cause drama, as it's been made clear to me that people don't always catch the subtext that I put into things or the way I phrase things.
I spent an hour trying to find a '30s style fedora at a couple of thrift stores.
I was in Borders for 2 hours and had two decent coversations (with cute girls, no less), but those were with employees of the store, and not likely to become a social contact.
I went to 4 or 5 different bars or clubs tonight. Some I actually entered, others I checked out and decided not to go in. One was a quiet social pub, another was a music-oriented (typically rockabilly evidently) bar, another was a psychobilly/punk bar, and the last was a leather bar. I only actually went in the first and last one. The pub was a nice place, but the people...just not my type. I chose not to go into the music bar due to a cover charge (I wasn't about to pay for a bar that I might only spend 5 mins in). The punk bar...that one...by that point I was getting bored/depressed and the large crowd scared me away. The leather bar...not a bad place, I wouldn't mind going back there with friends, but from the moment I walked in, I felt like the large number of older guys were seeing me as a piece of meat and I had a really old, grizzled man proposition me.
Between the two punk bars, I went to the Gypsy for a bit. The first time, the cute girl I drooled over before proceeded to have an indepth discussion of sex with her friends. When depressed and frustrated (in many ways), that dug into my skin and I left.
After the leather bar, I returned to find that a guy my primal side of my brain has reason to want to club over the head (Yes, it has to do with my lost love. Turns out that about a week or two after I agreed that maybe we did need to break up, she went on got her fuck on with this other guys. He and her dated a long time ago and have known each other their whole lives practically. He resented me for dating her. I think he still feelings for her, and I think she was wrong in bringing back in. The whole thing also makes me question that maybe she was cheating on me even when we were together.). I avoided him as best as possible and spent the next hour or so bored until I decided to try and chat up the beautiful girl who was studying near me. I managed to actually make conversation, but I'll be extremely lucky if anything comes of it.
My night was less than fun needless to say.
***********************************************************************************************
I've been stuck with more self-analysis though. If I seem bent on meeting someone, it's simply because I just want to feel comfort and sympathy and all those things that being close to someone gives. I want that connection to someone again, since the only person I had one with is now (most likely permanently) gone. She and I are trying to be friends, but that doesn't really help my need for human comfort. And I know trying so hard means that it won't happen because I'm perhaps forcing it, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm honestly wondering if I'm going to find anyone else.
My resentment and bitterness...that has been an interesting study. The logical side of my brain says "You failed to live up to her expectations, you failed to please her and treat her like the goddess she is/was, and you failed as an adult (since you couldn't handle basic common necessities about money and such), so she stopped loving you." And the logical part of my brain accepts that. The caveman part? That part of your brain that's all about dominance and alpha male and all that? That part says "He steal mate, he steal happiness. Take rock, hit his head, take his ear, toes, and teeth as trophy and take mate back." Not to say that I actually wish to commit violence upon him, but that basic, primative impulse results in bitterness and hatred of him and can make my stomach turn knots when he or the previously mentioned male are mentioned. Right now, he makes her happy and I'm glad she's happy. I'm jealous as well that she gets everything she could want and I'm stuck with nothing, but I really am happy that things are good for her right now. Hopefully I explained that properly enough that it won't cause drama, as it's been made clear to me that people don't always catch the subtext that I put into things or the way I phrase things.
grady31:
i understand exactly where your coming from.... I have been in that situation and asked /told myself the same things. Though it hasn't gotten me anywhere.....Yet.