I'm sitting in the Gypsy Coffeehouse, the night after attempting to force myself to be social at New Age Renegades (Or just hook up with someone if the opportunity had presented itself)and I'm more confounded than I have been (probably) ever. I'm hounded by one question: How do people meet other people? Human socialization escapes me. By the gods, I cannot figure out how I managed to get the life I had before my good years. It used to be that sex was relatively easy to come by or at least some simple physical human contact. I'm not saying I was some arch-fucking-bushman, but I could spend several hours with a nice person when I needed to.
I think I've forgotten how to be alone. Worst, I ultimately have no place in this godforsaken city. The Gpysy used to be the place for me to be, but it's died. Not that it's less busy or anything, but the original spirt of "You've all got a home here, even if you don't have one anywhere else" has died. I can't find my niche. Even if I could, it doesn't help that I don't know how to approach social situations. Go to the movies, sit alone in the theater and enjoy the movie, then leave. Go to a bar, sit alone and drink, leave feeling even more lonely having seen other people thrive. I'm a genderblind geek pagan fetishist. (I hate labels, but when talking about social contact, ultimately we fall into cliques. Downside to being a social species) Where in the name of Jesus-spiral-cut-christ-on-rye am I supposed to meet similiar people??
Honestly, how do you meet people? Just random comments when you see a common vibe between you and someone else? That's never worked for me before. I can't see how it'd work for anyone, most of the time. Makes figuring out how people "hook up" even harder. How does seeing a random attractive person go on to a night of sweaty, (most likely) bad sex? Doesn't help that I can't tell for the life of me when a girl is attracted me. Leslie used to say that she would see girls checking me out all the time, but she loved me at the time, so I think that's kinda like having your mom say you're handsome...They mean well, but really, they just don't want to make you feel bad. (Sorry Leslie, you may have meant it, but I have trouble believing that girls were checking me out for any reason more than to wonder what you saw in me.)
On the upshot, I finally analyzed why I've been so jonesing for sexual contact and for trying to meet other people. Now, when I say this, know that it's not an intentional feeling, it's something I can't help. Hopefully, Leslie won't get pissed when I say it, as I'm merely stating an observation of my own involuntary reactions. I reiterate that these are those annoying little whiny human asshole impulses that makes being a human so shitty and I also want to reiterate that I apologize for how this is going to sound, but again it IS MY SUB-CONSCIOUS, NOT HOW I ACTIVELY FEEL ABOUT YOU, TAKE NO OFFENSE AT WHAT I'M ABOUT TO WRITE, Please. Simply put: I'm jealous. While I've been going through Niflehiem trying to deal with what's going on in my life, she got to have someone to be with (in multiple ways)and she seems to be enjoying life again (Honestly, good for her, bravo for doing better than me). So, my sub-conscious says to me, "Why the fuck should she get to enjoy life while I have to suffer it? You did you best to please her and keep her happy. You would've killed the population of China if would have made her happy."
And I say to my sub-conscious, "First off, I probably would have done that if she really wanted it, but that's not to say I actually want to kill anyone. Secondly, you're right, I did try my damnedest to keep her happy even though I failed in the end, but she was suffering her pain while I was failing, so she's farther along the mourning trail than me."
My self-conscious replies "Ah, you dumb naive fuck. She's acting like she's over you like everything you had meant nothing, you should wish her pain."
Me again, "Yes, I know it feels like that sometimes, but no, despite how pissed off I may get at times, I'm not going to wish her pain, though you and I agreed that we have the right, as the ex that was left by the girl he wanted to marry, to hate her new guy and want to punch him in the nose...amongst other violent ideas."
"Yes, but we're wandering off-topic, venting the emotions you're feeling for the reading displeasure by the 3 people who actually read your journal."
Me: "Shut up, you."
SC: "Back to the topic at hand. She says she's getting quite a bit of fun from her new beau, an admittedly pleasant distraction from you. So while she's enjoying yourself, you're suffering alone. So go out and meet someone and get your fuck on and get balls deep in a cute guy or girl."
Me: "Yeah, but I just talked about how I don't know how to meet people. Weren't you reading as I typed? Ah, you fucker...you were thinking about sex again weren't you??"
SC: "I'm your self-conscious, you can't help that you're horny via jealousy and the only person you have to live vicariously through now is the one person who's hurting you. Now shut the fuck up, you freak, and end this post, and go back to trying to figure out if you really count as human when you don't really understand a fucking thing about them."
...I don't get along with my self-conscious much.
AGAIN, I AM SAYING THAT, WHILE THAT MAY BE AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF HOW I FEEL, THE CONTROLLING PART OF MY MIND IS THE TRUTH AND THE SELF-CONSCIENCE IS MERELY MY (UNDERSTANDABLE AND, I THINK, NORMAL REACTION) TO BEING HURT. YES, I AM ADMITTING FEELINGS THAT I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T, BUT BEAR IN MIND THAT, AGAIN, THIS IS NOT HOW I REALLY FEEL MOST OF THE TIME.
Gods, I hope I made my point in all those caps and no one gets offended. I hope that it was smart-assed enough that humor may have also helped diffuse the possible anger that could result from me expressing those emotions.
I'm not really as sex obsessed as I'm portraying myself right now though. Sex is just one of the only ways I know to actually make some sort of connection to some one, and a connection is what I'm missing.
I think I had more I wanted to say, but I lost it while writing the fake dialogue...that was fun..
And now...Back at home...I almost had another breakdown, but of a different variety. I'm fucking frustrated by not understanding the aforementioned shit. It didn't help that the girl I was drooling over...our resident Dirty Old Man got her to flash him and got her in 2 very skimpy outfits. That fucker makes it look easy, getting girls to do that shit. I think I overheard her saying that she had a bf...and she was out of my league...but still...
I've chain smoked about 6 or 7 cigarettes and chugged one beer. I never smoke. I now know why people do. It DOES relax you.
I think I've forgotten how to be alone. Worst, I ultimately have no place in this godforsaken city. The Gpysy used to be the place for me to be, but it's died. Not that it's less busy or anything, but the original spirt of "You've all got a home here, even if you don't have one anywhere else" has died. I can't find my niche. Even if I could, it doesn't help that I don't know how to approach social situations. Go to the movies, sit alone in the theater and enjoy the movie, then leave. Go to a bar, sit alone and drink, leave feeling even more lonely having seen other people thrive. I'm a genderblind geek pagan fetishist. (I hate labels, but when talking about social contact, ultimately we fall into cliques. Downside to being a social species) Where in the name of Jesus-spiral-cut-christ-on-rye am I supposed to meet similiar people??
Honestly, how do you meet people? Just random comments when you see a common vibe between you and someone else? That's never worked for me before. I can't see how it'd work for anyone, most of the time. Makes figuring out how people "hook up" even harder. How does seeing a random attractive person go on to a night of sweaty, (most likely) bad sex? Doesn't help that I can't tell for the life of me when a girl is attracted me. Leslie used to say that she would see girls checking me out all the time, but she loved me at the time, so I think that's kinda like having your mom say you're handsome...They mean well, but really, they just don't want to make you feel bad. (Sorry Leslie, you may have meant it, but I have trouble believing that girls were checking me out for any reason more than to wonder what you saw in me.)
On the upshot, I finally analyzed why I've been so jonesing for sexual contact and for trying to meet other people. Now, when I say this, know that it's not an intentional feeling, it's something I can't help. Hopefully, Leslie won't get pissed when I say it, as I'm merely stating an observation of my own involuntary reactions. I reiterate that these are those annoying little whiny human asshole impulses that makes being a human so shitty and I also want to reiterate that I apologize for how this is going to sound, but again it IS MY SUB-CONSCIOUS, NOT HOW I ACTIVELY FEEL ABOUT YOU, TAKE NO OFFENSE AT WHAT I'M ABOUT TO WRITE, Please. Simply put: I'm jealous. While I've been going through Niflehiem trying to deal with what's going on in my life, she got to have someone to be with (in multiple ways)and she seems to be enjoying life again (Honestly, good for her, bravo for doing better than me). So, my sub-conscious says to me, "Why the fuck should she get to enjoy life while I have to suffer it? You did you best to please her and keep her happy. You would've killed the population of China if would have made her happy."
And I say to my sub-conscious, "First off, I probably would have done that if she really wanted it, but that's not to say I actually want to kill anyone. Secondly, you're right, I did try my damnedest to keep her happy even though I failed in the end, but she was suffering her pain while I was failing, so she's farther along the mourning trail than me."
My self-conscious replies "Ah, you dumb naive fuck. She's acting like she's over you like everything you had meant nothing, you should wish her pain."
Me again, "Yes, I know it feels like that sometimes, but no, despite how pissed off I may get at times, I'm not going to wish her pain, though you and I agreed that we have the right, as the ex that was left by the girl he wanted to marry, to hate her new guy and want to punch him in the nose...amongst other violent ideas."
"Yes, but we're wandering off-topic, venting the emotions you're feeling for the reading displeasure by the 3 people who actually read your journal."
Me: "Shut up, you."
SC: "Back to the topic at hand. She says she's getting quite a bit of fun from her new beau, an admittedly pleasant distraction from you. So while she's enjoying yourself, you're suffering alone. So go out and meet someone and get your fuck on and get balls deep in a cute guy or girl."
Me: "Yeah, but I just talked about how I don't know how to meet people. Weren't you reading as I typed? Ah, you fucker...you were thinking about sex again weren't you??"
SC: "I'm your self-conscious, you can't help that you're horny via jealousy and the only person you have to live vicariously through now is the one person who's hurting you. Now shut the fuck up, you freak, and end this post, and go back to trying to figure out if you really count as human when you don't really understand a fucking thing about them."
...I don't get along with my self-conscious much.
AGAIN, I AM SAYING THAT, WHILE THAT MAY BE AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF HOW I FEEL, THE CONTROLLING PART OF MY MIND IS THE TRUTH AND THE SELF-CONSCIENCE IS MERELY MY (UNDERSTANDABLE AND, I THINK, NORMAL REACTION) TO BEING HURT. YES, I AM ADMITTING FEELINGS THAT I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T, BUT BEAR IN MIND THAT, AGAIN, THIS IS NOT HOW I REALLY FEEL MOST OF THE TIME.
Gods, I hope I made my point in all those caps and no one gets offended. I hope that it was smart-assed enough that humor may have also helped diffuse the possible anger that could result from me expressing those emotions.
I'm not really as sex obsessed as I'm portraying myself right now though. Sex is just one of the only ways I know to actually make some sort of connection to some one, and a connection is what I'm missing.
I think I had more I wanted to say, but I lost it while writing the fake dialogue...that was fun..
And now...Back at home...I almost had another breakdown, but of a different variety. I'm fucking frustrated by not understanding the aforementioned shit. It didn't help that the girl I was drooling over...our resident Dirty Old Man got her to flash him and got her in 2 very skimpy outfits. That fucker makes it look easy, getting girls to do that shit. I think I overheard her saying that she had a bf...and she was out of my league...but still...
I've chain smoked about 6 or 7 cigarettes and chugged one beer. I never smoke. I now know why people do. It DOES relax you.
I really dig both Gypsy and Renegades, but of course I never get to go to either. I am willing to go alone and risk no one talking to me. Grass is always greener ya know.
Talk to you when I get back from vacation (gone 14th-20th).
-Dreu