kolic

Just roomates...and barely that at the moment. She's been staying out of the apartment as much as possible. It's hard on me because I get lonely and she ends up not taking much care of the cats. I don't know if it's because she's hurting and can't stand being here or if it's some attempt to get me to be more proactive so she can make sure I can take care of myself when I live alone or if it's some combination of both. I guess it's a good thing if it's the latter. I've gotten pissed off at her for leaving me without letting me know where she is or if she's ever gonna come back or what and that's caused me to actually get off my ass and clean up and stuff.

It's really fuckin' hard on me though. I'm ready to just get out of here, but lack the money to either break the lease or get a new place and put the lease in her name. I think I even found a good place with small economy one bedroom that I can afford and keep a couple of luxuries, like the internet. I think having a small place to myself will be a good idea. I'll keep it cleaner and more organized. I'm hoping to force myself to keep a calendar of things I need to do and post it in front of my face everyday until I get in the routines. Once I get a habit going, it'll be very hard to break it, and that means my life will be more stable. It's going to be really lonely though and I have no friends and no idea how to make new ones or how to meet people even for casual flings.

She introduced me to pot, something I love her and hate her for. For a bit recently, it's become another in my list of things I've had addictions to. I figured out why. I figured out why exactly I like getting drunk to the point of passing out, why I like having sex in as many different ways as possible and as much as I need it, and why I like the effects of pills and weed. Yes, of course, it feel good...but that's obvious, isn't it? No...for me, I think it's because my mind is working. Constantly. I have trouble sleeping because my mind is constantly working on what I've got coming up in my life, what the next day is going to be like, what new story am I going to come up with but never put down, how can I solve that new puzzle I found, what bit of history is amusing me. Just all day, my mind races with all these little things, most being daydreams and fantasies. It's so bad that I can't relax. I've been given massages that turned me to jello only to have my muscles tense back up minutes later. So why do I like getting lost in TV? In video games? In alcohol? In a pipe or a pill? It turns the volume in my head down. I can relax. I can enjoy myself, without my brain constantly running a second reel of information in the background.
So what does that mean? Do I let myself enjoy these things in order to know peace? Or do I go on, day after day, putting up with the constant chatter in my head and risk addiction and all the things that come with it?
I'm actually having a really hard time typing this right now, because I don't know what it all means. Do I have to suffer?
I feel the need to admit here that I also have a couple other problems I don't quite understand. If I walk to in a bustling place, I feel pressure on me. If it's really bad I start to shake a little and I get the urge to run away. It's like I can feel every single person around me and all the shit they carry with them. This can hit me hard, even when I'm dealing with someone one-on-one. If they have a strong emotion, it strongly effects me, often times it makes me feel the same emotion. Oddly though, the inverse can happen, too. I've walked into a movie theater and felt exposed and vulnerable by the lack of cover, by the shear openess of it. I don't like to sit in places unless my back is to a wall. The first part, the emotions...most would call that empathy, especially those inclinded to believe in metaphysics...the latter though...does that mean I'm paranoid? And if so, is that something I need to see someone about? Or is this all normal stuff that no one bothers mentioning so I think that I'm alone?

I'm broken right now. And for the first time, I'm really opening up to everyone here. All this, this is me. And this is me when I don't know what the fuck to do. And I'm breaking down and actually asking for help. And that's really hard for me because I want nothing more than to be able to handle everything by myself, because it seems like you can't rely on anyone else.

-Douglas (my real name, an attempt to signify that this is really me posting, for myself, if nothing else.