First off, I would like to thank
Cinder and
truc for allowing me to stay at their apartment for SO long. You are amazing people.
At this immediate time, I'm staying at the always lovely
SugarCunt's apartment. I think her very much for letting me crash till the end of the month, when she's moving out too. That means that at the end of the month, I have nowhere to live. I would love to just move somewhere else and try to get a job there, but sadly (only sad because it gives me less options) I have to stay in L.A. until at least the 10th of July as I have to go to a seminar that's been already paid for (by my brother....and it was like $500, so i can't just not go). After that I have a couple options on where I can go (given that I STILL don't have a job), but the first 10 days of July, I need somewhere to lay my head that's in Los Angeles. If ANY of you know anyone or are willing to help a brotha out for 10-12 days (depending on when the actual day we have to leave where I am now) PLEASE let me know. I swear I'll be out of your hair after that. Thanks much! Btw, July 6, 7, and 8th I would be not around other than sleeping due to the seminar I'm attending, so that's something to know...
As far as everything else goes in my life, I really don't know where to start.
I haven't made any progress on my transition, nor do I see when I will be able to in the near future, which really doesn't make me happy in any way. I'm still not being supported on that front by my mother. Every time she sees a picture of me she mentions something about "my son" or "my boy" or whatever and i can tell she does that on purpose. I want to just call her up and tell her "LOOK, fucking stop that because I know what you're doing and I get that you're going to miss how I look but I'M NOT CHANGING. I'm still going to be the same person and it really hurts my feelings and pisses me the fuck off whenever you feel the need to say things like that when you NEVER did before I came out to you...so FUCKING STOP IT" but then i realize that she's been aware of everything for like 6 months, and it took me over 10 years to come to terms with it, so I can't exactly get too pissed off at her for being herself.
For the last about 3 months, I've been constantly surrounded by really good friends and been having a great time most of the time. Even though all of the people around me are amazing, I'm still lonely. I know that I have someone that i love and that eventually i will be able to be with, but until that happens (and nothing is for sure in life, so ya never know) I have nobody to snuggle with, kiss, spend real quality time with, not to mention have sex with. I miss that closeness with someone that I haven't had in about a year and a half. The shit thing about it is I wouldn't date me either right now. i have no home, no job, will have no money at some point in the near future. I don't want to go out with anyone because doing anything like that would mean spending money I can't afford to spend. So, as of right this second, I don't want a girlfriend, and yet there's nothing I want more. Kind of a double edged sword...I guess. I dunno
So, basically, I'm trying to use the website that has given me my best friends, moved me across the country a couple times, and changed my life for the better to save me once again. Asking for help for things this big is something I HATE doing and, in all honesty, make me ashamed of myself. I put on a pretty good front when I'm around people during the day, but when I'm alone I'm either thinking of how i can get myself out of this situation or just being sad in general. And even though I'm REALLY not in a good place in any way right now, I'm still hopeful for the future. I lost that once and it wasn't good. If there's no hope for the future, then what's the point of trying at all, right? So, I'm going to end this blog by saying this: I am NOT giving up. I WILL figure something out. I DO look forward to a few things that I want to do soon. I just need that ONE break and it'll all fall into place...
