I hate him for all the things he's done!
Because I love her so!
I got the devil in me!
It's sadness!
It's a cloud - "Sadness" by Porno for Pyros
shit phase lately. when negative clouds obscure my optimistic core, my cynical asshole syndrome flares up and piece by piece, i proclaim that the whole world sucks, though i know the truth. i grow silent for the sake of anyone who may hear what i have to say.
ugly, but it's not the world's fault. it passes.
she's not happy either, and i hated myself for not helping;
for not being able to put myself aside to bring lightness.
her darkness makes me the light, after all, and it's all i want,
but that day all i brought was clouds. it's not always so easy to be around yourself.
frustrated, i stepped outside for a smoke. my sister and her husband went out of town and left their dog, Champ, here at my parents' house. i looked at the dog, and it looked at me, and it occurred to me that there is no hell; life is hell, and hell is just a story about an impossibly horrific fate designed to make life seem less shitty (and to control behavior, of course).
same with heaven. life is heaven, heaven is life in those moments
that make people wish they could stop the world and live there and then forever.
we've all had at least a taste.
i just don't believe in the promise of the big tax return and the luxury resort.
when Champ was pretty young, my stepbrother was living at my sister and her husband's house. almost immediately, he discovered how much the dog loved the bright red laser pointer dot that he made dart about the room occasionally, making no sound, leaving no scent.
how peculiar! what kind of sorcery is this?
Champ would tear through the house completely obsessed with capturing the seemingly otherworldly emanation that brought him both utter bewilderment and incredible joy. when the game was on, he became oblivious to the world outside of the glowing, uncatchable speck, and when the dot would suddenly stop, he'd bark and stomp his front paws down upon it, only to find the weightless, impossible thing was now standing atop his stacked paws. i stopped to visit once, and i watched as my stepbrother shot the laser down into the yard and made the dog run laps after the dot. it was pretty amusing.
this was about ten years ago.
i looked at the dog, and he approached me with a weird dog smile and his dumb brown eyes, delivering the usual wave of equal sadness and annoyance. Champ is a sweet dog, but he's fucking broken.
a golden retriever, he used to be quite red, but now he's almost white, and all he does throughout his day is look for that light. he stands unnervingly close to people with shiny things and scans the ground by their feet, hoping for a glimpse of his heroin. sometimes the sun reflects off of his tags or someone tilts their watch and the day suddenly becomes quite exciting for Champ.
a taste of dog heaven.
it was cloudy and Champ just stood there, his face almost touching my knees, scanning the ground, waiting for the magical spot to appear in any of its mysterious forms. i sat down on the ground and told him i wished his life would have been different. of course i'm only capable of assuming in human terms, but i was convinced that his life would have been better if he wasn't so addicted to this one thing...at least he'd probably hold his head up.
he stared at me and reminded me that he wasn't the only one around here who had lost their flashlight:
"i may be fucking broken, but at least it's not my spirit, and time and change will fix yours."
Because I love her so!
I got the devil in me!
It's sadness!
It's a cloud - "Sadness" by Porno for Pyros
shit phase lately. when negative clouds obscure my optimistic core, my cynical asshole syndrome flares up and piece by piece, i proclaim that the whole world sucks, though i know the truth. i grow silent for the sake of anyone who may hear what i have to say.
ugly, but it's not the world's fault. it passes.
she's not happy either, and i hated myself for not helping;
for not being able to put myself aside to bring lightness.
her darkness makes me the light, after all, and it's all i want,
but that day all i brought was clouds. it's not always so easy to be around yourself.
frustrated, i stepped outside for a smoke. my sister and her husband went out of town and left their dog, Champ, here at my parents' house. i looked at the dog, and it looked at me, and it occurred to me that there is no hell; life is hell, and hell is just a story about an impossibly horrific fate designed to make life seem less shitty (and to control behavior, of course).
same with heaven. life is heaven, heaven is life in those moments
that make people wish they could stop the world and live there and then forever.
we've all had at least a taste.
i just don't believe in the promise of the big tax return and the luxury resort.
when Champ was pretty young, my stepbrother was living at my sister and her husband's house. almost immediately, he discovered how much the dog loved the bright red laser pointer dot that he made dart about the room occasionally, making no sound, leaving no scent.
how peculiar! what kind of sorcery is this?
Champ would tear through the house completely obsessed with capturing the seemingly otherworldly emanation that brought him both utter bewilderment and incredible joy. when the game was on, he became oblivious to the world outside of the glowing, uncatchable speck, and when the dot would suddenly stop, he'd bark and stomp his front paws down upon it, only to find the weightless, impossible thing was now standing atop his stacked paws. i stopped to visit once, and i watched as my stepbrother shot the laser down into the yard and made the dog run laps after the dot. it was pretty amusing.
this was about ten years ago.
i looked at the dog, and he approached me with a weird dog smile and his dumb brown eyes, delivering the usual wave of equal sadness and annoyance. Champ is a sweet dog, but he's fucking broken.
a golden retriever, he used to be quite red, but now he's almost white, and all he does throughout his day is look for that light. he stands unnervingly close to people with shiny things and scans the ground by their feet, hoping for a glimpse of his heroin. sometimes the sun reflects off of his tags or someone tilts their watch and the day suddenly becomes quite exciting for Champ.
a taste of dog heaven.
it was cloudy and Champ just stood there, his face almost touching my knees, scanning the ground, waiting for the magical spot to appear in any of its mysterious forms. i sat down on the ground and told him i wished his life would have been different. of course i'm only capable of assuming in human terms, but i was convinced that his life would have been better if he wasn't so addicted to this one thing...at least he'd probably hold his head up.
he stared at me and reminded me that he wasn't the only one around here who had lost their flashlight:
"i may be fucking broken, but at least it's not my spirit, and time and change will fix yours."