aftermath, day 3
over the last year and a half, i've done a lot of complaining to a lot of people. i've said since day one that there didn't seem to be much passion. she came on strong at first, and i felt smothered; she questioned my fidelity and had trust and jealousy issues, especially when it came to my female friends, so to avoid problems, i quit seeing them, quit going out by myself, and pretty much quit seeing all of my friends altogether. i remember telling my mother that i felt like i was married and that i wasn't ready to have made the compromises necessary for that kind of commitment, a commitment i felt i'd almost been suckered into.
a year ago, she bought a townhouse in Capital City, mostly because her father pressured her into it and was willing to pay for it. i didn't know at the time that she was angry with him for pushing her to buy that place, and i didn't know that she feared losing me over it.
the first time we bickered about something petty, it gave me a type of stress that i don't remember ever having; it's been...shit, years since i've fought with a girlfriend about anything really, and i didn't take to it very well. to maintain the peace, i kept my mouth shut about a lot of small things. so for every weekend and every day off for the last year, i've driven the 60 miles to go hang out with her while my money started disappearing faster and my car slowly began to break down. the truth is that half the time, i didn't want to spend my free time with her or with anyone in particular, i just wanted to be alone, but i kept my mouth shut. it was fear of the third degree and that particular stress that accompanies it that kept me from ever saying no to her. i never told her that i didn't want to chat on the phone tonight, that i'd rather be alone this weekend, that i'm too broke to enjoy the thought of making plans, that i'm not interested in hanging out with her friends, and the result was a very resentful, unhappy man.
fucking stressed out about money worse than ever; i've never really been scary broke and without a safety net like this--a job that barely pays the rent, living off of loans, amassing ridiculous debt, depending on my mother to send me money to get me through the summer and winter when the loan money runs out(an option that has ended while i still have a broken tooth in the back of my mouth and a car that is slowly crumbling...) as the stress of my money situation grew, i began thinking about breaking up with her, obsessing over it almost. i don't know how long i thought about it...for months, but i never led on that i was unhappy until it was out of control. i started pulling away and pushing her away at the same time, the way i've always done when i'm stressed out to the point of shutting down while i deal with depression and its causes. it was an irrational moment last tuesday night when i blew up on the phone and dropped the bomb that leaves indelible craters on the landscape of a relationship. we started bickering about something petty, and there was that unique, stressful feeling, like the high, chilling strings heard in the background of every suspenseful moment of every horror film, and it all poured forth. it was scary and it felt kind of good; relieving, to finally tell her all these things, the truth about how unhappy i was, how fed up i was with the relationship, that i was just done.
we didn't talk much until saturday, when i agreed that we would talk face to face. i felt like i was on autopilot as i packed up her things, emptied the terrarium, loaded it and the lizards into my car, and took them with me. for four hours, she pleaded with me to not just end us, but i held firm: "i just don't feel the same as you. i've been hoping that i would feel differently for a year now, but i just don't..."
my friends and family have made comments about how it seems i'm not myself around her; that i'm holding back in some way, and i've always agreed with them--there's evidence in the fact that i've not written much nor recorded a song the whole time we've been together. i told her that i've never really been able to fully relax around her, especially when we'd go out with my friends.
yeah, i held strong until she finally she wore me down enough to agree that we'd break with no contact until i took care of what i needed to take care of, then we'd talk again and either part ways or try again.
the wound is fresh, and after a year and a half of being my world, it's natural that all i've been thinking about is her, all the things i'll miss if this is really the end. i remember being resentful, but i don't remember how it feels; i remember a couple of uncomfortable situations, but really all i remember is how much fun we had, how much i enjoyed being with her when we were actually together. our last day was the first time we'd actually talked about our thoughts and fears and feelings, and here, only three days later, i realize that this whole thing could have been avoided had i been less of a chickenshit and discussed these things with her instead of just maintaining that everything is fine-- these impressions we had of each other that led to our constant tiptoeing around one another were rooted in our first awkward weeks together and we never really allowed ourselves to get to know one another beyond that. i kept a lot of things private from her, choosing to fear her not understanding rather that giving her the chance.
i feel really shitty about the way things went down, the way i treated her without even realizing it, the way i handled this. it was unfair of me to just cut it off without discussion or even a hint, and my failure, almost refusal to look at it from a different perspective--that's unlike me. at this point, every little thing reminds me of her and the clichs are coming out of the woodwork...familiarity may breed contempt, indeed, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes you have to lose something in order to realize what you had. sheesh.
was i truly unhappy? maybe, but i don't really believe that it was because of her, and it wasn't like the unhappy i am now. during the breakup scene, we probably learned more about one another in four hours than we did in 19 months, and i can't deny the fact that it was always me that was avoiding it. i did a lot of complaining, but never to the one person i should have.
once again, in a foolish attempt to 'let her down easy', i broke two hearts. i look back at what i've written about us and try to keep in mind that i thought i wanted to break up with her, but i just don't feel it anymore. i'm not glad, i'm not relieved, i'm not excited about meeting new people, in fact i'm horrified by it and a little repulsed at the thought.
maybe i'll ride this wave until i actually do get my shit fixed--it'll be in the next couple of weeks. for the first time in the four miserable years i've lived in this godforsaken shit-hole of a town, i'm working 40+ hour weeks and finally earn enough to pay my rent and some bills. i need to appeal to get my financial aid for my final semester of college, and i've gotten the ball rolling on that, but if i get denied that money, i have no options but to stay and work until i can afford to pay for the semester on my own, and that scares me close to death.
my mother was supportive of my decision to break up with her (i think mostly because whether she really is or not, she's always on my side), stating "you need to be happy," but i think she might not be as supportive if she knew how i went about it and how avoidable the whole thing was. i'm not sure if anyone would. i'm still lugging this huge stone of stress, and there's still a lot of confusion about how i feel and what i should do... why in the world am i trying so hard to cling to the negatives? again, very unlike me. i'll give it a little time and see how it is then, decide when i'm there.
i've learned a pretty big lesson in being honest in a relationship... a white lie here and there is something we all do, but when you turn around and realize that you've painted yrself and the whole world white, there's serious trouble ahead.
over the last year and a half, i've done a lot of complaining to a lot of people. i've said since day one that there didn't seem to be much passion. she came on strong at first, and i felt smothered; she questioned my fidelity and had trust and jealousy issues, especially when it came to my female friends, so to avoid problems, i quit seeing them, quit going out by myself, and pretty much quit seeing all of my friends altogether. i remember telling my mother that i felt like i was married and that i wasn't ready to have made the compromises necessary for that kind of commitment, a commitment i felt i'd almost been suckered into.
a year ago, she bought a townhouse in Capital City, mostly because her father pressured her into it and was willing to pay for it. i didn't know at the time that she was angry with him for pushing her to buy that place, and i didn't know that she feared losing me over it.
the first time we bickered about something petty, it gave me a type of stress that i don't remember ever having; it's been...shit, years since i've fought with a girlfriend about anything really, and i didn't take to it very well. to maintain the peace, i kept my mouth shut about a lot of small things. so for every weekend and every day off for the last year, i've driven the 60 miles to go hang out with her while my money started disappearing faster and my car slowly began to break down. the truth is that half the time, i didn't want to spend my free time with her or with anyone in particular, i just wanted to be alone, but i kept my mouth shut. it was fear of the third degree and that particular stress that accompanies it that kept me from ever saying no to her. i never told her that i didn't want to chat on the phone tonight, that i'd rather be alone this weekend, that i'm too broke to enjoy the thought of making plans, that i'm not interested in hanging out with her friends, and the result was a very resentful, unhappy man.
fucking stressed out about money worse than ever; i've never really been scary broke and without a safety net like this--a job that barely pays the rent, living off of loans, amassing ridiculous debt, depending on my mother to send me money to get me through the summer and winter when the loan money runs out(an option that has ended while i still have a broken tooth in the back of my mouth and a car that is slowly crumbling...) as the stress of my money situation grew, i began thinking about breaking up with her, obsessing over it almost. i don't know how long i thought about it...for months, but i never led on that i was unhappy until it was out of control. i started pulling away and pushing her away at the same time, the way i've always done when i'm stressed out to the point of shutting down while i deal with depression and its causes. it was an irrational moment last tuesday night when i blew up on the phone and dropped the bomb that leaves indelible craters on the landscape of a relationship. we started bickering about something petty, and there was that unique, stressful feeling, like the high, chilling strings heard in the background of every suspenseful moment of every horror film, and it all poured forth. it was scary and it felt kind of good; relieving, to finally tell her all these things, the truth about how unhappy i was, how fed up i was with the relationship, that i was just done.
we didn't talk much until saturday, when i agreed that we would talk face to face. i felt like i was on autopilot as i packed up her things, emptied the terrarium, loaded it and the lizards into my car, and took them with me. for four hours, she pleaded with me to not just end us, but i held firm: "i just don't feel the same as you. i've been hoping that i would feel differently for a year now, but i just don't..."
my friends and family have made comments about how it seems i'm not myself around her; that i'm holding back in some way, and i've always agreed with them--there's evidence in the fact that i've not written much nor recorded a song the whole time we've been together. i told her that i've never really been able to fully relax around her, especially when we'd go out with my friends.
yeah, i held strong until she finally she wore me down enough to agree that we'd break with no contact until i took care of what i needed to take care of, then we'd talk again and either part ways or try again.
the wound is fresh, and after a year and a half of being my world, it's natural that all i've been thinking about is her, all the things i'll miss if this is really the end. i remember being resentful, but i don't remember how it feels; i remember a couple of uncomfortable situations, but really all i remember is how much fun we had, how much i enjoyed being with her when we were actually together. our last day was the first time we'd actually talked about our thoughts and fears and feelings, and here, only three days later, i realize that this whole thing could have been avoided had i been less of a chickenshit and discussed these things with her instead of just maintaining that everything is fine-- these impressions we had of each other that led to our constant tiptoeing around one another were rooted in our first awkward weeks together and we never really allowed ourselves to get to know one another beyond that. i kept a lot of things private from her, choosing to fear her not understanding rather that giving her the chance.
i feel really shitty about the way things went down, the way i treated her without even realizing it, the way i handled this. it was unfair of me to just cut it off without discussion or even a hint, and my failure, almost refusal to look at it from a different perspective--that's unlike me. at this point, every little thing reminds me of her and the clichs are coming out of the woodwork...familiarity may breed contempt, indeed, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes you have to lose something in order to realize what you had. sheesh.
was i truly unhappy? maybe, but i don't really believe that it was because of her, and it wasn't like the unhappy i am now. during the breakup scene, we probably learned more about one another in four hours than we did in 19 months, and i can't deny the fact that it was always me that was avoiding it. i did a lot of complaining, but never to the one person i should have.
once again, in a foolish attempt to 'let her down easy', i broke two hearts. i look back at what i've written about us and try to keep in mind that i thought i wanted to break up with her, but i just don't feel it anymore. i'm not glad, i'm not relieved, i'm not excited about meeting new people, in fact i'm horrified by it and a little repulsed at the thought.
maybe i'll ride this wave until i actually do get my shit fixed--it'll be in the next couple of weeks. for the first time in the four miserable years i've lived in this godforsaken shit-hole of a town, i'm working 40+ hour weeks and finally earn enough to pay my rent and some bills. i need to appeal to get my financial aid for my final semester of college, and i've gotten the ball rolling on that, but if i get denied that money, i have no options but to stay and work until i can afford to pay for the semester on my own, and that scares me close to death.
my mother was supportive of my decision to break up with her (i think mostly because whether she really is or not, she's always on my side), stating "you need to be happy," but i think she might not be as supportive if she knew how i went about it and how avoidable the whole thing was. i'm not sure if anyone would. i'm still lugging this huge stone of stress, and there's still a lot of confusion about how i feel and what i should do... why in the world am i trying so hard to cling to the negatives? again, very unlike me. i'll give it a little time and see how it is then, decide when i'm there.
i've learned a pretty big lesson in being honest in a relationship... a white lie here and there is something we all do, but when you turn around and realize that you've painted yrself and the whole world white, there's serious trouble ahead.
lillyjax:
There was a reason you did this to me and it was this same scenario, if I recall correctly. Let time heal the wounds and see if the situation changes once the stress of school ends. You'll be fine (and you know it) but focus on what you've set out to do in the first place.