good god, haven't written in so long that i'm probably the only one who remembers this blog... what can i say? deadlines and obligations kill the spirit and send the muses to sit in the corner and read a book. fall semester is weaving its usual mischief; lots of huge projects all due at the same time, resulting in late, half-assed assignments. procrastination is what makes me a poor student, talking to the professors is what gives me second chances and sometimes even leniency. i tend to end up buying myself a little extra time and condensing all the work i should have been doing for the past few weeks or months into a few hellish, sleepless days; this is how college is and always has been in my world.
stress is my cocktail of choice these days, and i've been binging. a 10-page screenplay, an autobiographical psychological evaluation of career and personal development and constant studying for the assessment, oral exit exam and final for Spanish II has been taking up most of my time. then there's Cognitive Psych, the class that i'm pretty sure i've procrastinated away the chance of passing; due to some absences and general apathy, i didn't participate in any of the big presentation groups, missed some homework, and failed to attend the four required psych club sessions. fuck.
this wasn't my worst semester, but it also wasn't my best, and now i'm worrying about student loans... my standing wasn't the greatest going into this semester, and now that i'm pretty sure i'm not going to pass the one class, i won't have met full-time requirements. i'm not really sure how much of an effect that will have on my eligibility for more loans, but my outlook isn't as optimistic as i had hoped. two more semesters is all that's left... i have a feeling i said the same thing about two semesters ago.
deadlines tend to kill my progress though, regardless of the assignment. i do my best work on my own time, when the mood strikes me. this applies not only to school assignments and writing, but for things like shopping and gift giving as well. i like to think that all year, as i walk around, certain things jump out at me and scream "hey! i'd be a great gift for so-and-so! BUY ME NOW!," but my empty gift bag at the end of the year proves a different story. i don't know what to give Lupita for giftmas; i want to buy something personal, but what to get someone who has no apparent passion for anything in particular? she likes golf and outdoor activities in general, she plays some guitar, and i like to think that she enjoys cooking when i'm not around, but none of these things really inspire a lot of ideas for gifts that transcend the status of fairly impersonal toys. she doesn't wear jewelry, and i wouldn't buy it for her even if she did. no perfume, no lingerie... a meaningful gift for someone who's not into anything--a tough assignment indeed.
also unsettling is the fact that the italian restaurant's lease ends next week, and from what i've been able to translate from the guys in the kitchen, they're gonna pack up and pull out, head to nebraska and try their luck there. that's pretty exciting for them, but i don't know where that will leave me as far as work goes. being that i don't really do any work for the italian restaurant anyway, i assume that i'll just be filling out another form and officially be working for the hotel again, but nobody knows what equipment will be left after they leave or if there will even be a restaurant. also, i hear that the hotel has already been sold. the warm feeling of job security i've held in my belly thus far has turned to acidic black bile; the only thing worse than having a job is looking for a new one, and there's virtually no job market in this town. whenever i get to this point in this thought process, the next step is to start thinking about what i'm going to do once i graduate. i literally have less than no money--i'm so deep in the red that my numbers are now the color of 'how-can-i-possibly-even-take-this-seriously?' my paychecks for the last few months have averaged about $50 per week; i live on loan money until it runs out, usually a month or two before the next check comes. the truth is that the money my mother sends me occasionally has been my lifeline, if not my life preserver at times. it's embarrassing and emasculating, and it takes away any argument i have for my self-sufficiency. now that she's retired, the money won't be as available as it was, and moving isn't cheap.
this all sits in my stomach like a brick, and it's that brick that i wield like a weapon at times like this, holding it over my head, demanding everyone to take a step away from me. i know i've done this over and over in the past, and have learned that this is no time to make drastic decisions; i may feel differently later, once the stress has subsided.
just keep riding the wave.
stress is my cocktail of choice these days, and i've been binging. a 10-page screenplay, an autobiographical psychological evaluation of career and personal development and constant studying for the assessment, oral exit exam and final for Spanish II has been taking up most of my time. then there's Cognitive Psych, the class that i'm pretty sure i've procrastinated away the chance of passing; due to some absences and general apathy, i didn't participate in any of the big presentation groups, missed some homework, and failed to attend the four required psych club sessions. fuck.
this wasn't my worst semester, but it also wasn't my best, and now i'm worrying about student loans... my standing wasn't the greatest going into this semester, and now that i'm pretty sure i'm not going to pass the one class, i won't have met full-time requirements. i'm not really sure how much of an effect that will have on my eligibility for more loans, but my outlook isn't as optimistic as i had hoped. two more semesters is all that's left... i have a feeling i said the same thing about two semesters ago.
deadlines tend to kill my progress though, regardless of the assignment. i do my best work on my own time, when the mood strikes me. this applies not only to school assignments and writing, but for things like shopping and gift giving as well. i like to think that all year, as i walk around, certain things jump out at me and scream "hey! i'd be a great gift for so-and-so! BUY ME NOW!," but my empty gift bag at the end of the year proves a different story. i don't know what to give Lupita for giftmas; i want to buy something personal, but what to get someone who has no apparent passion for anything in particular? she likes golf and outdoor activities in general, she plays some guitar, and i like to think that she enjoys cooking when i'm not around, but none of these things really inspire a lot of ideas for gifts that transcend the status of fairly impersonal toys. she doesn't wear jewelry, and i wouldn't buy it for her even if she did. no perfume, no lingerie... a meaningful gift for someone who's not into anything--a tough assignment indeed.
also unsettling is the fact that the italian restaurant's lease ends next week, and from what i've been able to translate from the guys in the kitchen, they're gonna pack up and pull out, head to nebraska and try their luck there. that's pretty exciting for them, but i don't know where that will leave me as far as work goes. being that i don't really do any work for the italian restaurant anyway, i assume that i'll just be filling out another form and officially be working for the hotel again, but nobody knows what equipment will be left after they leave or if there will even be a restaurant. also, i hear that the hotel has already been sold. the warm feeling of job security i've held in my belly thus far has turned to acidic black bile; the only thing worse than having a job is looking for a new one, and there's virtually no job market in this town. whenever i get to this point in this thought process, the next step is to start thinking about what i'm going to do once i graduate. i literally have less than no money--i'm so deep in the red that my numbers are now the color of 'how-can-i-possibly-even-take-this-seriously?' my paychecks for the last few months have averaged about $50 per week; i live on loan money until it runs out, usually a month or two before the next check comes. the truth is that the money my mother sends me occasionally has been my lifeline, if not my life preserver at times. it's embarrassing and emasculating, and it takes away any argument i have for my self-sufficiency. now that she's retired, the money won't be as available as it was, and moving isn't cheap.
this all sits in my stomach like a brick, and it's that brick that i wield like a weapon at times like this, holding it over my head, demanding everyone to take a step away from me. i know i've done this over and over in the past, and have learned that this is no time to make drastic decisions; i may feel differently later, once the stress has subsided.
just keep riding the wave.
As far as gifting, why not give something YOU find passion in-i.e. a book you really like, music, etc. If that seems lame, would she find something like this funny? My friend Janette seems to have the sense of humor to love this book. I found under the suggestions columns other "like" oddball items.
Most of the time, I also visit this site for people I never have a damn clue what to get, but still put a sense of humor into it. But this is how I roll.
BTW I still have your damn book. I truly suck. Do you still live at the same place?