kloiterra

she had always maintained that she didn't want anything more, so i always maintained my distance. my distantness, maybe.
"Let's never be anything, that way the sex will always be good," she said when we first started seeing each other, about a year ago.
sounded good to me...sounded perfect.
by the time it ended, in June, i hadn't been with anyone else and had always had a passing assumption that when i wasn't around, she was with someone else; that i was just another dick.
it ended when she texted me one night, telling me how she'd really been hurt and humiliated by some other guy that she'd been seeing. "i'm sorry, you deserve better. goodbye."
it sucked. i was affected, but i figured that it had only been a matter of time until this happened.
i disappeared in this tiny town for a good month, then i quit actively avoiding her, but we never really talked, just passing hellos.
her birthday was last friday, and in my usual style, i sent her a happy birthday message.
she told me that she hoped i'd show up to her gathering at the bar and i agreed.
i arrived earlier than anyone else and met her parents, who seemed to like me, especially her mother.
they left, more people showed up, liquor was flowing, i wanted to talk about it; i've wanted to talk about it since it ended. i never really knew what she thought of me, how she felt about me, but i was torn in another battle of heart vs. head: "we don't want you back / we miss you."
i asked her what happened between us and she said she didn't know. "i was head over heels about you in the beginning, but you kept talking about how much you liked that girl that lived next door to me."(long story short--was intrigued by her neighbor who was in a couple classes of mine, became uninterested, nothing ever happened).
had i known how she felt about me, i never would have talked about another girl to her.
had i known, i would have been honest about how i truly felt about her and wouldn't have even been susceptible to a passing fancy.
i could have fallen hard.
by the end of the night, she was pretty drunk and wrapped up in her usual telephone drama. i'd almost forgotten about that part of her--drunken messages that didn't make much sense, exposed her low self esteem and left little chance for reply.
it's her Libra hex: i left the bar with an odd, torn feeling.
an ex of mine gave me a really nice notebook once, too nice for school work, it is reserved for special writing. in it, i write letters that will never be sent and often have revelations of how to deal with whatever is vexing me.
the letter to Miel started as an apology and ended as a reaffirmation that everything was in its right place, that i need to follow head, not heart in this situation.
i can only assume it would have ended the same way regardless of our level of commitment to each other, but if i had allowed myself to fall for her in the beginning, i'd be dealing with a huge heartbreak instead of a little hollow spot.