my dad sucks ass. We had a disagreement about how he, um, talks about my mother maybe 6 months ago, and I finally snapped and told him all the stuff he'd done wrong in the previous 18months, since leaving us. There's tonnes of little things that he's just been an insensitive jerk about, and then there's big things, like when he told me today he's taking 3 days to think about whether or not I'm welcome in his house to come over for dinner, because he's worried it'll be uncomfortable, like last time when I TORE HIS HEAD OFF. 
As opposed to all the times we've had coffee and just hung out since, that one dinner has really stuck in his memory. Actually, the real message was "we had one argument that was difficult and now I think all our interactions are going to be that way, and I can't be bothered so you're not welcome in the house anymore". What?!?! Like I'm always rearing for an argument, just cos. Becuase I love being angry and rejected by my dad. Because I'm a socially maladjusted psychotic cow.... Well, I was over it, but rejection like that kind of gets to me... so now I'm angry and hurt again. So I wrote him a letter. A pretentious letter. No, I don't really think I'm a feminine archetype, but I DO think he thinks all chicks are the same (manipulative).
*********************************************************
I've been thinking a long time about how our relationship does and doesn't function, and I've come to a number of conclusions.
Firstly, I'd like to thank you for supporting me financially up until now, so that I could complete my basic education. Being able to study without being forced to work around exam times was valuable, and I appreciate that input into my future and well being.
It should be no surprise to hear that over the last 2 years I have at times been deeply hurt and strongly affected by your actions- to do with me, to do with Sarah, and to do with the way you treat my family in general. In the last 2 years I have failed to see any sort of empathy or acceptance of responsibility for the enormous amount of damage dealt by you, instead encountering the attitude that Lauren, myself and Suzanne should all just get over it because well, we're old enough to deal with it on our own. You've made it very clear that you'll take anyone elses version of a story over my own, regardless of your own history with me. You seem to have confused and lumped me with your archetypal fears of all things feminine- being manipulative and underhand in trying to get what I want. Intimidating Sarahs children would gain me nothing, nor would lying about it to you. Even when you admitted that maybe they're not as used to being strong and direct when communicating and thus I might have come off as a bit intimidating unintentionally, I never got an apology from you for showing very clearly that you trust my word and perceptions not at all, but would prefer to rely on a 3rd hand account of what happened. That was very sensitive and logical of you.
I imagine that at this point you think I'm being unduly negative, and holding on unnecessarily to low points in the past, but currently I'm setting a background.
Since then I feel that we both put effort into attempting to recover our relationship, although you may not see it that way. I know there were times when I was tempted to turn away from it, because its easier not to allow myself to be made vulnerable again than to work through a range of issues stemming from broken trust and outright rejection. You promised that things would be ok, and that you'd still be my dad and care about me, even if you weren't living with us. I see that was a pretty empty promise, and honestly, while I appreciate the ongoing financial support, Id have appreciated some emotional support on your behalf a lot more. Regardless of how old any of us are, this is the first time we've been through a family breakdown, and I'm afraid being told to just deal with it doesn't cut it. Since leaving you have emotionally disassociated yourself from not only my mother, but Lauren and myself as well. I'm not going to enter into the nature of your relationship with Lauren, and I know that she can be difficult at times, but you're meant to be the responsible adult, and you are the one that caused the somewhat difficult and hurtful situation. It seems that I keep coming back to the theme of responsibility, or lack of. There are few things that really get to me on a personal level, but anyone's refusal to take responsibility for something that they're directly responsible for is one of them.
Hypocrisy is another thing that really upsets me. You left us for someone else in order to be happy, and to move on. You've moved out, maintained little emotional connection, and are meant to be better off for it. The process of you becoming a happier better person was not easy on any of us, and for this reason I find it highly offensive that despite your attitude that we should not only get over it, but that if we're too negative you don't want to see or deal with us, that you regularly revisit all your old grievances with how miserable our family used to make you. I get it, you're glad that you're not around anymore, and honestly, its emotionally a lot easier for us this way. Because of this, I refuse to passively listen to you malign members of my family in front of me. What you say about us to Sarah or her children is by all means your business, but regardless of whether or not we are related I won't tolerate any more negative reminiscing at the expense of people I also care deeply about. Its not fair to put me in that situation, and that's exactly how our fight six months ago eventuated. If you want us to be cheery about the past, and to move on, you should make an effort to do the same, at least in our company. And if you can't do that, well you're the one that has to live first hand with your own negativity.
As far as not moving on is concerned, I find it highly frustrating that you seem to take 6 months to get over a disagreement. I know it takes you a while to think things over, but honestly, 6 months? You'd prefer not to have uncomfortable interactions- then get over it! I'm over it, despite the fact that you clearly think I had no right to be upset with your behaviour and attitudes. I could still be upset that you place no value on anything I feel if its too difficult for you to deal with, and as such refuse to take any actions to make our relationship better, except of course, for telling me that I'm not welcome in your house if I dare disagree strongly with you. You're unwillingness to let go of one uncomfortable moment is stifling our relationship, and seems to be becoming the norm. I'm tired of being judged not worthy of maintaining a complex relationship with, and I hate to say it, but not all relationships and interactions can be entirely on your terms. You can respond to make things as close as possible to the way you'd like them to be, but you can't expect everyone to say "oh, well subjugating my own emotional and psychological needs so this guy will even talk to me is ok". Telling me that you're not comfortable having me in your own house because we had _one_ fight is the most complete rejection imaginable, and I'm not really up for any more. I can't imagine what makes you think that it's a reasonable way to treat your own daughter, or anyone, if you want a sincere, trusting and loving relationship with them.
If you want less uncomfortable experiences, then my advice is to give people a chance. Lauren eventually wanted to build a relationship with you, I've been trying to hang out with you in a casual and friendly way for 2 years now, and even Audrey is over it. Corinne and Mark don't want to have a fight with you. None of us wants to have a fight with or be rude to Sarah. All the weirdness that you perceive at family events is entirely in your own head, not ours- so please stop looking for negatives or double meanings when we're around. Currently the fact that Sarah was initially more ok with having me over for dinner speaks volumes about her relative level of social adjustment compared to yours. We're not angry about the past anymore- this letter is about what I'm angry, disappointed and hurt about in the context of an ongoing behavioural pattern, that's affecting my ability to have a relationship with you at all. Please see it that way.
**********************************************************
God, it's not even like there was any violence when we disagreed, just heated words! Lucky I've got karate tonight. I'll be in a much better mood afterwards, I promise
As opposed to all the times we've had coffee and just hung out since, that one dinner has really stuck in his memory. Actually, the real message was "we had one argument that was difficult and now I think all our interactions are going to be that way, and I can't be bothered so you're not welcome in the house anymore". What?!?! Like I'm always rearing for an argument, just cos. Becuase I love being angry and rejected by my dad. Because I'm a socially maladjusted psychotic cow.... Well, I was over it, but rejection like that kind of gets to me... so now I'm angry and hurt again. So I wrote him a letter. A pretentious letter. No, I don't really think I'm a feminine archetype, but I DO think he thinks all chicks are the same (manipulative).
*********************************************************
I've been thinking a long time about how our relationship does and doesn't function, and I've come to a number of conclusions.
Firstly, I'd like to thank you for supporting me financially up until now, so that I could complete my basic education. Being able to study without being forced to work around exam times was valuable, and I appreciate that input into my future and well being.
It should be no surprise to hear that over the last 2 years I have at times been deeply hurt and strongly affected by your actions- to do with me, to do with Sarah, and to do with the way you treat my family in general. In the last 2 years I have failed to see any sort of empathy or acceptance of responsibility for the enormous amount of damage dealt by you, instead encountering the attitude that Lauren, myself and Suzanne should all just get over it because well, we're old enough to deal with it on our own. You've made it very clear that you'll take anyone elses version of a story over my own, regardless of your own history with me. You seem to have confused and lumped me with your archetypal fears of all things feminine- being manipulative and underhand in trying to get what I want. Intimidating Sarahs children would gain me nothing, nor would lying about it to you. Even when you admitted that maybe they're not as used to being strong and direct when communicating and thus I might have come off as a bit intimidating unintentionally, I never got an apology from you for showing very clearly that you trust my word and perceptions not at all, but would prefer to rely on a 3rd hand account of what happened. That was very sensitive and logical of you.
I imagine that at this point you think I'm being unduly negative, and holding on unnecessarily to low points in the past, but currently I'm setting a background.
Since then I feel that we both put effort into attempting to recover our relationship, although you may not see it that way. I know there were times when I was tempted to turn away from it, because its easier not to allow myself to be made vulnerable again than to work through a range of issues stemming from broken trust and outright rejection. You promised that things would be ok, and that you'd still be my dad and care about me, even if you weren't living with us. I see that was a pretty empty promise, and honestly, while I appreciate the ongoing financial support, Id have appreciated some emotional support on your behalf a lot more. Regardless of how old any of us are, this is the first time we've been through a family breakdown, and I'm afraid being told to just deal with it doesn't cut it. Since leaving you have emotionally disassociated yourself from not only my mother, but Lauren and myself as well. I'm not going to enter into the nature of your relationship with Lauren, and I know that she can be difficult at times, but you're meant to be the responsible adult, and you are the one that caused the somewhat difficult and hurtful situation. It seems that I keep coming back to the theme of responsibility, or lack of. There are few things that really get to me on a personal level, but anyone's refusal to take responsibility for something that they're directly responsible for is one of them.
Hypocrisy is another thing that really upsets me. You left us for someone else in order to be happy, and to move on. You've moved out, maintained little emotional connection, and are meant to be better off for it. The process of you becoming a happier better person was not easy on any of us, and for this reason I find it highly offensive that despite your attitude that we should not only get over it, but that if we're too negative you don't want to see or deal with us, that you regularly revisit all your old grievances with how miserable our family used to make you. I get it, you're glad that you're not around anymore, and honestly, its emotionally a lot easier for us this way. Because of this, I refuse to passively listen to you malign members of my family in front of me. What you say about us to Sarah or her children is by all means your business, but regardless of whether or not we are related I won't tolerate any more negative reminiscing at the expense of people I also care deeply about. Its not fair to put me in that situation, and that's exactly how our fight six months ago eventuated. If you want us to be cheery about the past, and to move on, you should make an effort to do the same, at least in our company. And if you can't do that, well you're the one that has to live first hand with your own negativity.
As far as not moving on is concerned, I find it highly frustrating that you seem to take 6 months to get over a disagreement. I know it takes you a while to think things over, but honestly, 6 months? You'd prefer not to have uncomfortable interactions- then get over it! I'm over it, despite the fact that you clearly think I had no right to be upset with your behaviour and attitudes. I could still be upset that you place no value on anything I feel if its too difficult for you to deal with, and as such refuse to take any actions to make our relationship better, except of course, for telling me that I'm not welcome in your house if I dare disagree strongly with you. You're unwillingness to let go of one uncomfortable moment is stifling our relationship, and seems to be becoming the norm. I'm tired of being judged not worthy of maintaining a complex relationship with, and I hate to say it, but not all relationships and interactions can be entirely on your terms. You can respond to make things as close as possible to the way you'd like them to be, but you can't expect everyone to say "oh, well subjugating my own emotional and psychological needs so this guy will even talk to me is ok". Telling me that you're not comfortable having me in your own house because we had _one_ fight is the most complete rejection imaginable, and I'm not really up for any more. I can't imagine what makes you think that it's a reasonable way to treat your own daughter, or anyone, if you want a sincere, trusting and loving relationship with them.
If you want less uncomfortable experiences, then my advice is to give people a chance. Lauren eventually wanted to build a relationship with you, I've been trying to hang out with you in a casual and friendly way for 2 years now, and even Audrey is over it. Corinne and Mark don't want to have a fight with you. None of us wants to have a fight with or be rude to Sarah. All the weirdness that you perceive at family events is entirely in your own head, not ours- so please stop looking for negatives or double meanings when we're around. Currently the fact that Sarah was initially more ok with having me over for dinner speaks volumes about her relative level of social adjustment compared to yours. We're not angry about the past anymore- this letter is about what I'm angry, disappointed and hurt about in the context of an ongoing behavioural pattern, that's affecting my ability to have a relationship with you at all. Please see it that way.
**********************************************************
God, it's not even like there was any violence when we disagreed, just heated words! Lucky I've got karate tonight. I'll be in a much better mood afterwards, I promise