kirin_ka

Yes, yes, another blog about depression. Only this time to say that I am truly free from it's cold, lonely grasp. I had a wonderful trip down depression lane over the last twenty plus years. I've gone to the brink of sanity only to crawl my way back. I've dealt with being torn on everything, and I mean everything. Half of me likes it so the other half hates it. Staying off those meds was one of the hardest things I've done. I'd imagine it was similar to what happens to junkies when they go sober. It proved to be the right direction to head.

Baz Luhrmann once said, "Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft."

Well, I lived in Northern California for fifteen years and my experience there made me hard, and it took Southern California to make me soft. I was living a shadow of an existence because I thought my depression was too great to handle, I learned how to shut off my emotions, save sorrow. That was so constant that it just became a part of life. That's how I used to live. At sixteen I saw that I needed to change. From that point on I've been traveling down these roads, always choosing the ones I thought were best for me, whether they be hard or easy.

Ten years down the road and I can cry because I am happy, but even better I can cry because I am sad. I remember a friend dying when I was seventeen. My dad woke me up that morning, "Did you know Lisa Newman?"

"...yeah..."

"She died last night." Exit.

I sat there lost. For ten minutes I begged myself to cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't cry until I was eighteen. It had nothing to do with being a man, anyone who knows me knows I care about man stipulations about as much as I do sports, it had to do with how I needed to raise myself. My Dad was emotionally unavailable so I copied him. I don't blame him for it, it was how he was raised. Since my transformation he has also changed a great deal. If there is one thing I believe it is that nothing is forever and that you can change anything in you. I am a living testament, and I won't stop. I don't think it's possible for me to ever be content with who I am. Not crazy obsessive, but I know that tomorrow I will learn something new that will reaffirm that my eyes are not yet fully open.

From a young age I understood death as the only thing you can count on in life. It's going to happen, stop worrying about it. Instead, worry about that moment before the great escape, the one they say that is your life flashing before your eyes. When you're there do you want to see how you held yourself back, or would you rather be able to smile in your darkest hour? I'm going to try my damnedest to greet death with a face full of shiny teeth, "Let's go, bitch. Stop dragging your feet."

Live, you only get one shot at this.
Don't let the bad hold you down, you don't have enough time for it.
Love, love like tomorrow is the end. Whether it's family, friend, or romantic, just love. It's your strongest tool in life.
The meaning of life is only as good as what you make it. My meaning of life are the three L's: Lust, Laughter, and Love.

You're alive, you made it this far, don't give up. You'll make it to the end, I will be following on the side lines cheering you on. I won't give up on you, especially when you want me to.

This will be the final blog I'll have on the subject of my depression, at least in the foreseeable future. I never rule anything out, but I feel pretty damn good, and simple thoughts of happiness keep me smiling through out the day.