[soundtrack: Maeror Tri - Meditamentum II]
Boy, is it hard updating this thing when you hardly have anything uplifting to say... There is so much negative energy all over the place that it is draining at times. I don't know if it is the weather that drives us all insane (understandably, getting snowstorms to celebrate Spring is a major downer) or the constant longing for better things, for something new and exciting and most importantly, something that can last more than the time it takes to sigh.
So I thought that I probably should make an effort and update this space for some of you who may still be interested in reading what's going on in this haunted head of mine...
Winter makes me totally asocial - nothing new if you know me. I wish I wasn't so influenced by such outside elements as the weather but well, still haven't found a way to fight this lingering state of mild desperation that overstays its welcome every year. I still believe that living in (an all year long) warm and sunny place would help me drastically. Couldn't stay in Florida because it was so dead regarding work... Shame.
"Work"... the dreaded word and a major cause in so many of our problems and frustrations... Current situation in my case is as follows: I cannot stand what I'm doing anymore and it's been like this for months now. What happened is that, when I signed for this job in Chicago, I was going to do many things that I had an interest in. But, with my luck, there was an internal restructure about 4 months after I joined, splitting our group in two and of course I ended up being put in exactly the group I didn't want to be in, because it was focusing on the 50% of my job that I didn't like... Since I was so new in the company, I couldn't really say much and went along with it... and to be honest, I did have a few things to learn, which made it bearable for a while.
After a fucking horrible Q4 where being swamped doesn't even start to describe the state of things at work, something broke and I really started hating my job with a vengeance. Time for a change then, right? So I looked around within the group stakeholder companies and applied for another position early January. Everything went really fast, had 4 interviews in the space of a week, had a really good vibe and feedback from the team I wanted to join and then...
Nothing
for weeks.
I had to politely email people here and there at HR asking what was happening and I always got very vague answers. I mean, hello, I'm 35, if I don't get the job, you can just tell me, I'm not going to cry pathetically or go buy a gun and shoot everybody in the office... Finally, this week, I got hold of a VP and asked him directly. He seemed to be genuinely surprised and apologized profusely for the communication breakdown and let me know that they were pretty much about to offer me the position when senior management decided it was time to remake their organization chart (here we go again), moving people around, thus turning the position I applied for into a much more senior one that I obviously wasn't qualified to do. My legendary luck striking again.
(I know pretty much everything I've done in my life had to be done through a painful process. Very rarely do I have things work my way easily. And I've learned to accept that fact and deal with it. But sometimes it's really wearing me down more than other times... and that's where I become a recluse and don't want to see anybody or talk about my life)
And now, to add insult to injury, there are four positions opened exactly like the one I originally applied for, which means that I could easily get that job, and guess what...? They are all in bloody motherfucking Naperville, where our head office is. Naperville, for the non-Chicagoans, is a terminally boring suburban town that makes you want to run for dear life after spending even just one day there.
So, one may argue that I could still travel to Naperville and go back to Chicago in the evening. Various issues here: if I take public transportation from where I live, that would be at least 2 hours each way. Needless to say, I do not own a car and even if I could afford one and everything that goes with having a car, that would still be one hour each way at least. And the hardest thing to swallow would be that I live near the center of Chicago and would have to go to Shitsville every day for work purposes only... When I was younger and living in London, I've done the 1 travel time thing for years. It just drains your life force away totally. Plus, I'm not exactly single and I'd like to see my other half more than one hour in the evening before going to bed totally worn out... So Naperville is definitely not an option.
To finish on the subject of work, another thing that really pisses me off is that, while waiting for a definite answer on my application, I let many, many other opportunities in other companies go by - Q1 being an important time for recruiters. And now, there's really not much around, so I am stuck with my job for god knows how long... Of course, the US situation won't help. N is still looking for a job and the last 3 months she hasn't had one significant reply in her field... Not exactly uplifting, is it?
Sorry, looks like this kind of turned out to be a rant. You know me, I don't talk much (unless I'm drunk & retarded) and all this keeping to myself must be getting to me. And to make things clear, I'm not really complaining. I know that so many people have it worse than me in many ways and as long as I'm healthy I don't have a right to complain.
I'm just trying to explain the numbness. It is very hard for me to find lasting interest in anything right now. The problem is that, when you know and understand that it's all illusion and everything is only temporary, with nothing really mattering in the end, things seem to fly by without any emotional stimulation, leaving you in a kind of "sensation no man's land" where life is muffled and atonal. Call it mild depression, possibly? Or is it something deeper and harder to recognize and address?
blah blah blah blah.
If you've made it to the bottom of this entry reading the whole thing, then thanks for the effort. If not, I can't blame you and I don't.
Much
as per usual.
Boy, is it hard updating this thing when you hardly have anything uplifting to say... There is so much negative energy all over the place that it is draining at times. I don't know if it is the weather that drives us all insane (understandably, getting snowstorms to celebrate Spring is a major downer) or the constant longing for better things, for something new and exciting and most importantly, something that can last more than the time it takes to sigh.
So I thought that I probably should make an effort and update this space for some of you who may still be interested in reading what's going on in this haunted head of mine...
Winter makes me totally asocial - nothing new if you know me. I wish I wasn't so influenced by such outside elements as the weather but well, still haven't found a way to fight this lingering state of mild desperation that overstays its welcome every year. I still believe that living in (an all year long) warm and sunny place would help me drastically. Couldn't stay in Florida because it was so dead regarding work... Shame.
"Work"... the dreaded word and a major cause in so many of our problems and frustrations... Current situation in my case is as follows: I cannot stand what I'm doing anymore and it's been like this for months now. What happened is that, when I signed for this job in Chicago, I was going to do many things that I had an interest in. But, with my luck, there was an internal restructure about 4 months after I joined, splitting our group in two and of course I ended up being put in exactly the group I didn't want to be in, because it was focusing on the 50% of my job that I didn't like... Since I was so new in the company, I couldn't really say much and went along with it... and to be honest, I did have a few things to learn, which made it bearable for a while.
After a fucking horrible Q4 where being swamped doesn't even start to describe the state of things at work, something broke and I really started hating my job with a vengeance. Time for a change then, right? So I looked around within the group stakeholder companies and applied for another position early January. Everything went really fast, had 4 interviews in the space of a week, had a really good vibe and feedback from the team I wanted to join and then...
Nothing
for weeks.
I had to politely email people here and there at HR asking what was happening and I always got very vague answers. I mean, hello, I'm 35, if I don't get the job, you can just tell me, I'm not going to cry pathetically or go buy a gun and shoot everybody in the office... Finally, this week, I got hold of a VP and asked him directly. He seemed to be genuinely surprised and apologized profusely for the communication breakdown and let me know that they were pretty much about to offer me the position when senior management decided it was time to remake their organization chart (here we go again), moving people around, thus turning the position I applied for into a much more senior one that I obviously wasn't qualified to do. My legendary luck striking again.
(I know pretty much everything I've done in my life had to be done through a painful process. Very rarely do I have things work my way easily. And I've learned to accept that fact and deal with it. But sometimes it's really wearing me down more than other times... and that's where I become a recluse and don't want to see anybody or talk about my life)
And now, to add insult to injury, there are four positions opened exactly like the one I originally applied for, which means that I could easily get that job, and guess what...? They are all in bloody motherfucking Naperville, where our head office is. Naperville, for the non-Chicagoans, is a terminally boring suburban town that makes you want to run for dear life after spending even just one day there.
So, one may argue that I could still travel to Naperville and go back to Chicago in the evening. Various issues here: if I take public transportation from where I live, that would be at least 2 hours each way. Needless to say, I do not own a car and even if I could afford one and everything that goes with having a car, that would still be one hour each way at least. And the hardest thing to swallow would be that I live near the center of Chicago and would have to go to Shitsville every day for work purposes only... When I was younger and living in London, I've done the 1 travel time thing for years. It just drains your life force away totally. Plus, I'm not exactly single and I'd like to see my other half more than one hour in the evening before going to bed totally worn out... So Naperville is definitely not an option.
To finish on the subject of work, another thing that really pisses me off is that, while waiting for a definite answer on my application, I let many, many other opportunities in other companies go by - Q1 being an important time for recruiters. And now, there's really not much around, so I am stuck with my job for god knows how long... Of course, the US situation won't help. N is still looking for a job and the last 3 months she hasn't had one significant reply in her field... Not exactly uplifting, is it?
Sorry, looks like this kind of turned out to be a rant. You know me, I don't talk much (unless I'm drunk & retarded) and all this keeping to myself must be getting to me. And to make things clear, I'm not really complaining. I know that so many people have it worse than me in many ways and as long as I'm healthy I don't have a right to complain.
I'm just trying to explain the numbness. It is very hard for me to find lasting interest in anything right now. The problem is that, when you know and understand that it's all illusion and everything is only temporary, with nothing really mattering in the end, things seem to fly by without any emotional stimulation, leaving you in a kind of "sensation no man's land" where life is muffled and atonal. Call it mild depression, possibly? Or is it something deeper and harder to recognize and address?
blah blah blah blah.
If you've made it to the bottom of this entry reading the whole thing, then thanks for the effort. If not, I can't blame you and I don't.
Much
as per usual.
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See you soon?