Shit, go in to the hospital cause you got some odd burning in your chest, want to make sure the cancer isnt spreading and they start going on about a ruptured esophagus where a pouch in it is. This is a different pouch than the hiatus hernia, and they think it has a hole in it. I started thinking "a pouch, WTF? am I a fucking toad or something"...so they admit me.
Get this, I go in at about 10PM thursday night, and they finally get me a room at 4AM. Good thing a hole in the esophagus isnt serious or anything. As I am being wheeled to my room at 4AM, I notice, they stick me in or next to the maternity ward. I comment to the gentleman who is pushing my wheel chair, in my deliorious state, "COOL! MATERNITY WARD, those girls do it". He didn't seem to get my sense of humor. Oh well, he isnt the first.
After a round of paperwork and various other bull shit from the tending nurse, I finally get to go to sleep at oh, round 6 or 6:30in the fucking morning. Only to be worke up at 7AM to be told that Mini (pronounced Meeh - 'neh) would be my nurse for that shift. Mini was, as was the majority of the people I encounted, completely devoid of that optional sense if humor package I thought everyone purchased. She also didnt seem to have a firm grasp of the enGRISH language and thought that it was perfectly acceptable to leave the room while I was waiting on medications to go answer one of the many personal calls she received during my stay. Yes, Mini was a real gem of a caregiver. Three times I was left in the room with an open syringe, and once with not only my meds but another patients meds whilst Mini went to catch the phone. Good set of medical priorities, there Mini.
At any rate, come Friday afternoon, I still have heard nothing from my doctor. I have not eaten nor have I had anything to drink since 6PM Thursday evening, and I sit here at 2PM, being told "wait, the doctor needs to give approval for you to eat". So, I finally see a doctor, who, just as Mini, has a very limited grasp on the english language. I dont care though, she right away gives me permission to fucking eat. I do have to stay in the hospital till I see the GI specialist, but at least I get to eat and drink. So, a very sweet kind soul who I am so happy to have on my side and so thankful for her in our life, calls in a pizza order for me (I love you I love you I love you...THANK YOU SO MUCH!!), and I launch into the pizza.
Come about 3PM, I get a knock at the door, and it looks like a skeleton wrapped in old moldy leather walking in. I hesitate just long enough to realize that this is not Resident Evil come to life, and this is in fact a real living creature in my room, so I avoid tossing my tray and fork at this very very very ancient mans head. Remember, destroy the brain or remove the head is the only way to kill a zombie.
This, my friends, is the GI specialist they assign me. My stay cant get any more amazing than this, right? Never say never.
As he sways back and forth because he can not really support his own weight, and is quite obviously deleious, he hacks through something about I need more meds before they can scope me so that my shit doesnt just burst open, and says he is going to give the order to have me go home, but I do need to get a follow up in a week or two. I think good now we are getting somewhere....never thinking this man was almost the man to shove a tube with a camera on it, down my throat, whilst he was swaying and wheezing. I take comfort this is not something I had to endure.
So, we wait.....and we wait....and we wait for me to get my release. Finally, Mini comes back, just as I was thinking I was missing her grimacing, humorless face, and informs me that they will be doing a CT scan, then if the results are clean, the doctor that I saw earlier, not the GI specialist, whose name escapes me (cognitive avoidance no doubt!), says she will give the order for me to go home. Ok, one more thing to do, then I can go.
So, I go get my CT scan done. Now, those of you who have never had iodine shot into your vascular system, you are in for a real treat when you do. You can feel it enter your blood stream, it is nice and warm. Not like the saline which is usually a million degrees below zero, it is warm. Then, without warning from anyone, the shit gets hot. You feel it hit your chest, then your liver and kidneys, then your head and groin. Yes, my balls were hot balls which was actually pretty scary, and then my feet got a little warm too. I then had a taste in the back of my mouth like I was chewing on a penny. I made mention of it to the tech, and how a little warning would have been a bit nice. He only said that "it is a remarkable medicine". I think he too had a quite limited understanding of the english language. I met very few people this weekend that did.
So, I go back to my room and wait. And we wait even longer, getting ready to pack things up and go. Finally, my wife goes and asks. No, he has to stay till tomorrow, Mini tells her. Well, thanks for making us wait and have to come up and ask you. So, dejected, we say farewell to each other and she comes home. I finally get a sleeping pill about 9PM and nod off around 11. This my friends, was your humble narrators finest moment this weekend.
At about 5AM, I get a shake to wake up while my IV is beeping. I am completely incoherent as the nurses start asking me if I have gone to the bathroom at all during my stay, and if my kids came to see me, and some other shit I cant really remember too well. Yes, at 5AM, I want to have a sit down about my kids, my wife and my bowel movements. Thank you for that!
So, Saturday rolls around, and we continue to wait. 8am goes by, 9 am, then finally I get my release at about 12PM. Just long enough for me to get that chicken and dumpling lunch that 12 hours later, I can still feel and oddly enough, taste. Basically, they tell me there is nothing else they can do for me now (huh? What did they do in the first place!?!?!) and that I will just need to follow up with the GI specialist again.
Mini then reaches across the bed, not next to me, across the foot of the bed, and decided it would be a good idea to pull my IV out that way. Blood shoots everywhere. After two days of IV's on a high flow, about a bag full of Saline every few hours, and another bag of saline with Protonix every three hours, she then says to me, "wow, geuw ar'd bweedigh a lut" (I think this loosely translates to you are bleeding a lot, but dont hold me to that). This, to me, is simply a microcosm of my stay at the hospital, as my blood flows all over my hand, blankets, and floor.
So, basically, I have an additional pouch that may have a hole in it, cancer, some nodules, ulcers, and a rather ugly hole in the back of my hand where Mini pulled my IV out. I got two prescriptions. One for the cocktail of lidocaine, Maaxlox, and Karafake, and the other for some acid reducer that we have not gotten yet because it costs $180 fucking dollars........for acid reducers? WTF????? Yeah, WTF seems to be a running theme from this weekend.
So, that was how I spent my weekend. How was yours? Right now, I am going back to bed. Nite Nite folks!
Get this, I go in at about 10PM thursday night, and they finally get me a room at 4AM. Good thing a hole in the esophagus isnt serious or anything. As I am being wheeled to my room at 4AM, I notice, they stick me in or next to the maternity ward. I comment to the gentleman who is pushing my wheel chair, in my deliorious state, "COOL! MATERNITY WARD, those girls do it". He didn't seem to get my sense of humor. Oh well, he isnt the first.
After a round of paperwork and various other bull shit from the tending nurse, I finally get to go to sleep at oh, round 6 or 6:30in the fucking morning. Only to be worke up at 7AM to be told that Mini (pronounced Meeh - 'neh) would be my nurse for that shift. Mini was, as was the majority of the people I encounted, completely devoid of that optional sense if humor package I thought everyone purchased. She also didnt seem to have a firm grasp of the enGRISH language and thought that it was perfectly acceptable to leave the room while I was waiting on medications to go answer one of the many personal calls she received during my stay. Yes, Mini was a real gem of a caregiver. Three times I was left in the room with an open syringe, and once with not only my meds but another patients meds whilst Mini went to catch the phone. Good set of medical priorities, there Mini.
At any rate, come Friday afternoon, I still have heard nothing from my doctor. I have not eaten nor have I had anything to drink since 6PM Thursday evening, and I sit here at 2PM, being told "wait, the doctor needs to give approval for you to eat". So, I finally see a doctor, who, just as Mini, has a very limited grasp on the english language. I dont care though, she right away gives me permission to fucking eat. I do have to stay in the hospital till I see the GI specialist, but at least I get to eat and drink. So, a very sweet kind soul who I am so happy to have on my side and so thankful for her in our life, calls in a pizza order for me (I love you I love you I love you...THANK YOU SO MUCH!!), and I launch into the pizza.
Come about 3PM, I get a knock at the door, and it looks like a skeleton wrapped in old moldy leather walking in. I hesitate just long enough to realize that this is not Resident Evil come to life, and this is in fact a real living creature in my room, so I avoid tossing my tray and fork at this very very very ancient mans head. Remember, destroy the brain or remove the head is the only way to kill a zombie.
This, my friends, is the GI specialist they assign me. My stay cant get any more amazing than this, right? Never say never.
As he sways back and forth because he can not really support his own weight, and is quite obviously deleious, he hacks through something about I need more meds before they can scope me so that my shit doesnt just burst open, and says he is going to give the order to have me go home, but I do need to get a follow up in a week or two. I think good now we are getting somewhere....never thinking this man was almost the man to shove a tube with a camera on it, down my throat, whilst he was swaying and wheezing. I take comfort this is not something I had to endure.
So, we wait.....and we wait....and we wait for me to get my release. Finally, Mini comes back, just as I was thinking I was missing her grimacing, humorless face, and informs me that they will be doing a CT scan, then if the results are clean, the doctor that I saw earlier, not the GI specialist, whose name escapes me (cognitive avoidance no doubt!), says she will give the order for me to go home. Ok, one more thing to do, then I can go.
So, I go get my CT scan done. Now, those of you who have never had iodine shot into your vascular system, you are in for a real treat when you do. You can feel it enter your blood stream, it is nice and warm. Not like the saline which is usually a million degrees below zero, it is warm. Then, without warning from anyone, the shit gets hot. You feel it hit your chest, then your liver and kidneys, then your head and groin. Yes, my balls were hot balls which was actually pretty scary, and then my feet got a little warm too. I then had a taste in the back of my mouth like I was chewing on a penny. I made mention of it to the tech, and how a little warning would have been a bit nice. He only said that "it is a remarkable medicine". I think he too had a quite limited understanding of the english language. I met very few people this weekend that did.
So, I go back to my room and wait. And we wait even longer, getting ready to pack things up and go. Finally, my wife goes and asks. No, he has to stay till tomorrow, Mini tells her. Well, thanks for making us wait and have to come up and ask you. So, dejected, we say farewell to each other and she comes home. I finally get a sleeping pill about 9PM and nod off around 11. This my friends, was your humble narrators finest moment this weekend.
At about 5AM, I get a shake to wake up while my IV is beeping. I am completely incoherent as the nurses start asking me if I have gone to the bathroom at all during my stay, and if my kids came to see me, and some other shit I cant really remember too well. Yes, at 5AM, I want to have a sit down about my kids, my wife and my bowel movements. Thank you for that!
So, Saturday rolls around, and we continue to wait. 8am goes by, 9 am, then finally I get my release at about 12PM. Just long enough for me to get that chicken and dumpling lunch that 12 hours later, I can still feel and oddly enough, taste. Basically, they tell me there is nothing else they can do for me now (huh? What did they do in the first place!?!?!) and that I will just need to follow up with the GI specialist again.
Mini then reaches across the bed, not next to me, across the foot of the bed, and decided it would be a good idea to pull my IV out that way. Blood shoots everywhere. After two days of IV's on a high flow, about a bag full of Saline every few hours, and another bag of saline with Protonix every three hours, she then says to me, "wow, geuw ar'd bweedigh a lut" (I think this loosely translates to you are bleeding a lot, but dont hold me to that). This, to me, is simply a microcosm of my stay at the hospital, as my blood flows all over my hand, blankets, and floor.
So, basically, I have an additional pouch that may have a hole in it, cancer, some nodules, ulcers, and a rather ugly hole in the back of my hand where Mini pulled my IV out. I got two prescriptions. One for the cocktail of lidocaine, Maaxlox, and Karafake, and the other for some acid reducer that we have not gotten yet because it costs $180 fucking dollars........for acid reducers? WTF????? Yeah, WTF seems to be a running theme from this weekend.
So, that was how I spent my weekend. How was yours? Right now, I am going back to bed. Nite Nite folks!