Since Saturday I've had a lot of time to think. I have been sick since then and have only gone outside twice, anyway...
One of the things I have been thinking about is how well I know people: do I really like them or am I just nice because it's culturally expected in social situations, do I know them or have I barely scraped the surface, is there anyone I have ever been completely open with who really knew all the parts of me.
I am not very good at recognising ques in social situations, like when someone is bored or just not interested in talking. I often don't pick up on that and it can lead to negative consequences. This applies to 1000's of other things with different facial expressions and tone of voice etc, I have to experience all of these things and then put the pieces together or be told so that I can understand it. I am never sure if other people have the same problems or not, I look at people smiling and having a nice time and talking and wonder how it's so easy for them or if they're just faking the same as me.
Back to the first point. When you get to know someone you talk about yourself to each other and maybe find common interests or goals. How much of that is really at the core of you as a person though. I could tell someone that I like to snowboard but I haven't been in 7 years now, does that mean I like to be outside? does it mean i like sports? does it mean I'm energetic? How much do you really know from that one statement about me? You don't even know if I still like snowboarding because I haven't been in so long. You share little bits and pieces of your life with someone but at the end of the day they still don't really know who you are or how you feel.
It doesn't help that I don't really understand how "friends" work, the definition of a friend is:
- • a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile:
- • a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
- • a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection
If I follow the first one then I am friends with loads of people, there are very few people I know of who are actively hostile towards me. If I follow the second one then I only have 2 friends.
For me a friend is someone I can: trust, talk to openly, rely on, love, care for, and be true to myself around.
Opening up to someone enough for me to consider them a friend takes a long time and to even start that process is a long road. How do you pick someone from the multitudes of people that you will come in contact with. I made bad mistakes a lot of times in the past where I thought someone was a friend but when they actually got to know me and not the face I put on it was too much for them. I have a lot of issues, I look at the world in a different way, some people would say I am a sociopath which I guess is kinda true :/
So now I don't call someone friend until I am sure, I get close but not too close that it will hurt when it goes away. The last friend I made I waited for 4 months before I would call her friend, I was scared about losing something good, scared of all the things that come along with that and all the memories. I don't regret waiting and I don't regret my deciding to have her as my friend because she's amazing even if she doesn't appreciate that all the time.
This is kind of long and rambling and doesn't make a whole lot of sense but that's how my thinking works. I just type about the things that are in my head and hope the words come out in a way that people understand.
To end: How many people are you really "Friends" with as I define it? maybe there's another word. How many people could you cry to and tell everything too without worrying about them judging you and saying something to you or someone else? pretty sure it's not all of the people that you call friend. I have "Friends" and people I know, there is no middle ground.
Hope this wasn't too much text for all of you so here's a kitten
