When I was like, 14 years old, my aunt bought me a magazine called Shock –a colombian magazine. On the cover was @zeta with another girl and the caption was: “@Suicidegirls”. I read the magazine and 10 minutes later I was shocked! Who were this girls? Why they were so beautiful? My grandparents raised me, so I'm kinda old school with a lot of things in my life. For me, seeing a girl covered in tattoos and so confident, was something totally new. After reading that magazine, all the time I was pretty much like "Man, they are so amazing. I wish I was a Suicide Girl, so confident and beautiful" When I turned 18, the first thing that came to my mind was: “I can apply now”. I told my boyfriend (now exboyfriend, thank God) about it; he was so possesive he said no right away, giving me a stupid discurse about how it would ruin my life, etc. After that, I told my mom and she said: “No. You are my little girl, you can't do that”. So, I declined... A little bit. I send my application, and a few hours later I got an email from SG; it was something like: "You are so cute, we would love to have you on the site, you need to shoot a set". I couldn't believe it! My entire life people told me I was fat, ugly, annoying, etc. Why such an important website would say that TO ME? But I just let it there… A year later, I realize that I was talking about SG all the time, to everybody; and then, @talena wrote me something like: "Hey, I'm going to Colombia and I would love to shoot your first set. If you are interested, let me know" And then, I knew it; it was my chance; a photographer of the staff contacted me. So I said yes. One morning, we meet at @nahp's house; she was so nice and kind, explained me what we were going to do, showed me some sets of beautiful girls to help me have an idea of what should I do, she put the lights on, told me to choose an outfit and we started. I remember that my first very thought was "Think of yourself like a super model, she is not here, you are just playing in front of the mirror, like yesterday" So I did. About an hour and a half later, my first set was done. I was naked in front of a complete stranger, with three shitty tattoos and blue hair, feeling secure, confident and ready for more. That set was "In rainbow".
We uploaded the set and two days latter it went into member review. When I saw the set I was shocked: "That's me?", I asked my sister. She said "Seems like, du'h" and I couldn´t believe, it was ME on SG's website, naked, looking confident, with a big smile, with my teenager body. I thought everybody was going to say: "She is fat, she has no waist, her boobs are so small, no ass…" But no; instead, I got tons of beautiful comments, most of them about my smile. I was naked, yet, what people noticed was my smile. That made me so happy! A couple of days later, I was helping my sister with her homework when I logged in on Facebook and saw a message from Talena: "YOU ARE PINK, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY A SUICIDEGIRL". I went crazy, I started jumping, screaming and couldn't believe it, I was a Suicide Girl. I was one of the girls I saw on that magazine many years ago. By that time I was single, so I didn't have to explain anything to anybody. With Talena, we decide to shoot a new set; one more "elaborated" not just me being there. We shot "Pretty smile" (since everybody was so amazed about my smile); Talena picked that name. The result was amazing, something beautiful. And again, people wrote amazing things about this set.
By that time, I decided it was time to talk with my mom about it. I thought it was gonna be very difficult and it was! But not full of drama. The first thing I did was to show her the pictures without saying a word. She was shocked and started crying, then said: "I don't wanna talk to you" and I was okay with that. A few hours later, she came into my room and said: "But you are my little baby" and I told her: "I know, and I'm still your little baby" and then I started to explain her why I did those photos, how is the life of many girls from the site, why it wasn't porn for me, etc. She agreed and hug me. After that day, she is the one who helps me to decide which picture goes into the set, which one doesn't; with my sister, they decide my make up, they go with me to buy lingerie and I feel so lucky, because seeing how my family supports me, makes me feel that I'm at a good place. A few months later I decided it was time for college, and even if those are completely different things one of my thoughts were: "What are they gonna do if they find out I'm a Suicide Girl" because Medellín is not like a big town and I study Political Sciences, a career where everything is so serious and grey. And it happened, people fond out I was a Suicide Girl. They put my pictures in all the computers of the building but, by that time, I was a grown up woman. The only thing I said was: “Dude, you can get them in HD and more girls if you pay on the site”. Of course, several people said I was fat, I was a whore, but here comes the best part about SG: "Self-confidence" and I want to make a big enphasis on this point because is the most important thing about SG (for me). When you are a girl, all the time you are being told what to do, how to dress, how to talk; all the time you hear what you’re supposed to be and all those things are ways to control women, to opress them. Another way is with low self-esteem; if you feel ugly, fat, dumb… you will buy thing to "fix you": a cream, a lipstick, a diet, idk... And if you ever decide to say "Yo! I'm beautiful, I'm hot" people will say you are a bitch and you need to calm down; if you decide to show someting simple as your legs (as far as I know, most of us were born with legs so I don't understand what’s the big deal) you are looking for attention, you’re an attention whore, you’re a whore who needs sex, and a man in your life... BULLSHIT! Here, you can find girls of all shapes, all colors, all races. SG (not as a lot of people believe) never asks you to be covered in tattoos, with colored hair or piercings; they ask you for a big smile and a super confident set because that's sexy, that's different, and that's radical. Tattoos don't make you special or atractive, your personality does! Who you are and how you express yourself is what makes you hot! When I started, I had three tiny tattoos and I became a SG because of what people saw on my pictures. So when they started to say I was a bitch, a porn start, fat, etc... I was like "You know what, dude? Fuck it, I don't even care, I'm not even sorry. That's me, thats my body I'm proud and if offends you, there is nothing I can do" Later, @anemona came to Colombia, and of course we shot a set together, my first set on the wáter. It was kinda difficult, but I had so much fun!
It was so different! Short and darker hair, sexy lingerie and since that set, I decided I wanted to grow up as a model. Plus, in that period of time I met @mindi (who is now one of my best friends ever) @ellys @nahp @fernanda and a lot of girls from Colombia who supported me. I was amazed to see how most of them were normal and, at the same time, extraordinary women. Some of them are already mothers, married, have "normal" jobs, etc. So again, like in a long distance relationship, I fell in love over and over again with Suicide Girls. I understood that I was able to study political sciences, be a daughter, a girlfriend, everything I wanted and be a Suicide Girl. And it’s so powerful! I changed, I started to take more selfies with captions like: "Today, I feel pretty" or "Today, I feel sexy". I started to walk with more decisión, I started to respect my body more and to look at it as something beautiful. Months later, my dear friend Talena came back and we shot another set, one with a mature Kieve, a Kieve with a lot more confidence on herself. I wanted the world to know who I was.
This set is called "Don't call me at all". Its a song from Flatsound and I picked that name because I was done with all the guys who came into my life just because I'm a Suicide Girl. It's like they assume that you'll be naked all the time and the only thing you do is to take your clothes off. And actually, as I wrote the the very beginning of this blog, I'm a kinda old-fashioned girl in several things; I do believe in love, as The Smiths said: "I'm a human and I need to be loved". After that set, I was a woman with priorities, with goals and understood that the most important person in my life is me, and I don't need any kind of toxic relationship in my life. The set again went to front page and I couldn't be more happy about it. I was bigger inside, so I decided it was time to do some trips and I traveled to Buenos Aires.
I started doing photoshoots with some friends, I was part of a video!
I went to some tattoo conventions
But one day I had to move with my family to Ecuador
There I got sick. my depression came back, and I was diagnostic with fibromyalgia. My priorities changed, I used to spend most of the time alone in my room, eating, no showers, no people, no sun, nothing. And I thought "Its over" I lost all my confidence, all my selfesteem, kieve was just a memory. But one day, I met the love of my life, my soulmate.
He helped me to take the decision to come back to Colombia, so i did, I lived in his house for a few days, I got a job, and everything was okay, until I got sick again, but this time everything was much worse, several nights at E.R. days crying without moving, losing my job, my apartment, everything, and missing Kieve, that confident women.
But then again, a couple months ago, suicidegirls knock my door again, and came back to my life. I started shooting again
and this month I had the chance to flight to Chile and shoot again, but not just that, I had the chance to prove to myself, to my fibromyalgia (and neurofibromatosis) that I'm able to do whatever I want, no matter the pain, the fatigue, anything, I will still doing what makes me happy. I've grow up so much after this trip, I feel like a bran new person and I'm ready to be back, I'm ready for everything. I met a lot of cute girls there,
I saw the most amazing places
All I can say is: THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH SUICIDEGIRLS! For all those years by my side, for all the support, for all the lovely comments, for giving me the best friends I could ever ask, for helping me to recover, for helping me to re-build my self-esteem and confidence. I'll be thankful for the rest of my life because this site is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me; I'm so proud to be a part of this amazing community, I'm so proud to be a Suicide Girl. I will stay here for more years, I promise. Now, the next step is to try to fly as soon as posible to L.A. so I can personally thank every single person who has made this posible: @missy @sean @rambo and more. Thank you, guys. And of course, I will show you how hard I worked in Chile. I hope you like my new sets, you'll see a brand new Kieve, I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm a woman.
I shoot two sets with the beautiful @anemona
I have the amazing oportunity of shoot with the kind and lovely @frani this set is one of my favorites so far, because she make me feel mature, sexy, confident. Something really different.
And finally after two years I have the amazing pleasure to work again with my fav photographer ever, @talena
