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kidelwood

Member Since 2010

Followers 197 Following 261

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Wednesday May 11, 2011

May 11, 2011
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Well, here I am... it's been a fair amount of time since i've last logged in. It's funny how much can change within a few months time. You can feel like you're on top of the world, and you can feel as though you're the fly surrounded by a world of shit. Up's and downs happen to everyone, but i've experienced a new me that I can say with full certainty that I have never seen. I was as happy as a clam... although i'm not 100% sure about how that saying sets the stage for a positive idea. Anyway, I had somehow fallen back into the world of the girl of my dreams. It had been close to 4 years since we had even spoken, let alone met out. But it happened. We set a date and stuck to it, and somehow we both seemed happy with it's outcome. We talked and laughed and smiled and it felt so right. Now I do want to be clear that when I say that I don't have this type of luck... I can prove it with my last four years of complete solitude. Girls rarely talk to me, and I can rarely talk to girls. But she is so different, she makes any and all anxiety or fear or negative thought completely disappear.
...Back to the story.
So we kept seeing each other. A lot. We'd spend days on end configuring our schedules to meet our demand to spend time together. We both said things that made one another feel like gold and we both did things that spoke so much louder then those words of euphoria. I like to think that those sweet words she told me had meaning... but now I feel as though they have just blown away. It's been weeks since we've even talked to one another, and it feels like it was just a sudden, over night change. I'm still left wondering what the FUCK happened and where it all went wrong because it all just seemed so right. Since I had last seen her I have literally died and brought myself back to life. My mind has never worked so hard or produced so much static. I would spend hour after hour thinking to myself about her and what I did wrong, or too much of, that changed our ways so quickly. Among all the rest of life's bullshit, this was just fuel to my fire. I broke. I hit a new low and I didn't know how to bounce back from it, and it scared the shit out of me knowing that someone other than myself could control the way I felt inside so much. Every move I made felt like it had something to do with her, and I think it's because with all of these new feelings spark past fires that had been put out once. I love her now just as much as I loved her then. For her to come into my life again was the heavens looking down on me. But to come into my life just to walk back out was hands down the worst feeling I have ever experienced. For her I hope the best.. and for me, I just hope that I can find a way to look at someone else without only seeing her...


Other then that, life's just life. And it goes on.

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