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The Hardcore Squirrel

I was sitting on my ass, home alone and bored today, when a friend told me (over messenger) that there was a squirrel with an entire piece of pizza in his mouth outside her house.
The first thing that popped into my head was that this squirrel must be pretty 'core. I mean, first off, this squirrel must really know what he wants if he takes an entire piece of pizza for himself. He's not some pussy "only take what you need" sort of prick. If you're one of those people who believes in moderation - suck my balls. Secondly, I questioned how he got it. But my friend didn't know.

That got me thinking. The obvious answer isn't the right one. He didn't find the slice. Nobody leaves slices of pizza round. If you do, you're wasting good greasy food and deserve to die.

Three theories came to mind:

1) This squirrel, who we will call 'Zarc' for the remainder of this escape, is (as stated above) hardcore. How hardcore can Zarc be? I'm not some faerie biology student, so I don't have a real answer to that question, but personally I don't think there's a limit to a squirrel's hardcore potential.

I figure Zarc probably attacked and gnawed off a leg of one of the neighbor cats that are always wandering around my friends place (this theory is strengthened by the 3 legged cat that lives close to her). Zarc then would have wielded the leg as a sort of mace, making sure the claws were extended to further the ferocity of the weapon.

Now, I don't know about you, but if I was walking down the street waiting for my pizza to cool and I saw this bad ass squirrel wielding a gnawed off cat claw for a weapon who started to approach me, I'd get a tad frightened. Maybe even frightened enough to drop my pizza.

Bang! Zarc's job is done. He didn't even have to make use of this bloody cat leg. He's just that hardcore.

2) Little Tyler was walking down the street minding his own business. Tyler lives in a suburban area with lots of trees and almost as many squirrels. Seeing Zarc perched on a tree limb over the road was nothing out of the ordinary. That is until Zarc saw Tyler's Pizza-Pizza pizza!

I figure Zarc would have used an ariel assault on poor little Tyler. There's not much a person can do against a squirrel who's flying out of a tree at their face. A few bites and scratches later and Tyler would drop his pizza and cover his face while screaming in pain. Oooh! Poor lil' baby Tyler can't take on a squirrel?! Awww.

Jacked! Score one slice for Zarc!

3) If Zarc is hardcore enough to have an entire pizza slice to himself, maybe he's got some inner-city connections. I'm talking about the animal mafia. You know the one I'm talking about. That crow who's sitting on the lamppost outside your house, he's one of them. And so is that seagull who always seems to be able to plaster you with his shit.

I figure the 3 of them together have set up a professional marijuana growing operation in your shed. They've got the entire set up. The lights - the plants - everything. It makes sense too. Everyone knows pot makes you hungry. All they would have to do is convince some pimply spoiled high school kid to order a pizza and they'd make a trade. A little pizza for a little pot.

Which one seems the most likely?

I'm kindda bored and not in a great mood