khorsaun

I'm feeling really funny right now.
Somehow depressed and happy at the same time...if that makes sense.
And yet, at the same time, I'm pretty proud of myself. I finally did something that I've never done before.

I believe I've talked about Brandy in my blog previously, (if you don't recall, just refer to this entry).
As a recap: I asked her out....she was with someone. He ended up dumping her....but she was'nt ready for something new.
I keep getting the feeling that she likes me "that way"...but I also keep getting the "just friends" vibe as well. I really wish I knew.
She keeps confiding in me. Talking to me. Coming to me when she's upset or has a problem. But it all seems to be in that 'good buddy" capacity. Yeah....I'm pretty sure she just sees me a "just a friend"...even though I really want more.
Recently, she confided something very private to me....something that's got her "on the fence" as it were...happy and upset at the same time (yeah, I know...it's a recurring theme). She came to see me at work last night. We talked for a pretty long time...on various things. At one point, she said "Why can't you guys make up your mind about what you want?!" refering to what this other fella's feelings were toward her. And she quickly retracted "Except for you of course." It was at this point that I told her how I really felt about her.
Not in a begging, desperate sort of way.
Nor in a happy, cheerful, joking sort of way
I was just honest, straightforward and yet still calm and confident about it.
I told her that I was still her friend, but I wanted more than just that. I made it very clear that I have more than just a friendly interest in her. But if friendship was all she could give me, then I was ok with that.....I would still be there for her in that capacity.
We kept on talking. We talked for awhile...we hugged for awhile. At one point she needed to cry on my shoulder (over something else, not about what I just mentioned)
It was then she mentioned that right now, she needed friends more than anything....
I understood. Yet somehow, I still get this feeling that maybe, later down the road, there may be room for something more. I really don't know.
I think for right now, I'm just going to keep my heart open to possibilities...to whatever, or whomever, comes along.

Depressed...because once again, I'm just a shoulder to cry on...just a friend.
Happy...because she can still come to me...that there may, possibly, be room for more.
Proud...because I finally made a stand...because I made myself clear...and that, while this still hurts, I'm not gonna let it beat me down!!!

She may not be my road to happiness...but damnit, I'm not giving up!


That's all I've got for now...I'm spent.


Later my friends.


P.S. If you read my blog, please, leave me a comment...even if you just say "Hi". Even if you don't read it all. Believe it or not, comments really make my day!

Later.