khorsaun

Lately, I've been coming to realizations about myself.
I have stepped back from myself, and I don't like what I see.
No. I'm not beating myself up in some depressive state. There are some things about myself that I like, but I see too many things I want to change.
I've always heard, "You'll never be truely happy until you learn to love/like yourself first." I always thought that meant accepting who you are, but I'm finding it's much more than that. Much deeper too.
It's not just accepting the things about yourself you can't change, but changing the things you can. I've just realized, just now in the middle of this sentence....It really is alot like AA! Y'know, the "Serenity Prayer".

Dear God,
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the strenth to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen

(And just for the record...NO! I am not an alcoholic. I only drink, anywhere from once a week to once a month! It takes me 3 months to finish off a six-pack by myself, for Pete's sake! No. I learned this from my Father, who himself is a reformed alcoholic, and with whom I've also just recently reconciled after a bitter childhood. Both his and mine!)

I've realized it does'nt just apply to drugs, alcohol, and other addictions....well, in a way, it does just apply to "addiction".
I've come to realize there are more addictions than just cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.

"Addiction", as I see it anyway, can include more than that. It's all about becoming dependent, or even "comfortable or used" to something. Like the way I've been living.
Granted, what I'm going through is not life-threatening. Nor does it hurt others, or myself socially, physically, financially,etc.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: I want to change and I'm finding it hard to do so, because I feel too comfortable with it or I feel I am unable.

I guees that's why my Dad said that you can't help an addict until they're really ready to change. Otherwise, all the effort you put into helping them is wasted. It really is about willpower.

Now understand here people, MY PROBLEM IS NOT AS SERIOUS! (just to make sure to get that point across) but it is serious to me. It involves alot of things about my life.

First of all is my weight. I'm not in any serious danger, but it still can become serious one day. I'm 400lbs, (yes, that part of my "stats" is serious. 6'5" tall & 400lbs) and while I am large, some of it can still be put down as muscle mass. (Any "table muscle" comments and/or messages will be dealt with by your removal from my "freind list" and/or "bookmarks", if you are on them, and inclusion on my "ignore list"! Seriously.) But still, alot of it is....admitedly....fat.

I feel the need to lose fat, not nessecarily weight, though that will be a part of it. I don't nessecarily want to look great or anything, as much as I really just want to feel better, both physically and emotionally and "about myself" in general. While I am strong, I have little endurance.

This is really hard....just admitting to it and getting out there. I know alot of you guys think that losing weight is easy and just a matter of willpower....but it's a Hell of alot harder than that! A whole hell of alot harder. It's like admitting to an addiction. You don't see the problem, nor can you do anything about it, until you admit, mostly to yourself, that you have a problem. And like my Dad told me.....you have to be ready. I had no idea when I started this entry, just how hard admiting my problem would be.

I see alot of other problems with me, but that one is central. It is either the root of the other problem, or it is bigger and more importantly dealt with before the other problem.
This entry started with me just wanting to get out how I've been starting to change things in my life, and it's turned into a Fucking Weight Watchers meeting!! LOL! I'm sorry about that. I guess I needed to do that. I needed to take that first step.

The point is, I'm wondering if I actually am "ready". You have to be ready to do all of this, and I don't know if I am. But I do know, that I'm damn close to it, if not ready right now. I don't know if I'm lazy or "scared of change" or what. But I do know that I do need to make a change.....soon.

I guess some of the other changes I've been making will help facilitate this one. I can only hope so.

Some of those changes include: Taking a CD Self-Confidence course, Ordering a DVD Self-Defense course (hopefully leading to a Martial Arts or Hand-to-Hand Combat program...something I've always wanted to do), starting a Diet (yes, I actually started one here recently, but I had'nt commited to it....I think, with this entry, I just did), etc.

Now, there are just a few more things to do. I actually need to start an exercise program. Nothing too intensive. Just getting a little will do, since the only exercise I get right now is at work (though, that can be heavy, I still need more). Maybe I should look into attending the local SCA Fighter practice. I've had an interest in them for awhile, I've just been.....well, I dunno, lazy or afraid to approach. It's one helluva way to start an exercise program, and get some fighting experience (even though it's not real and does'nt help you much in a real fight). Hopefully, that could get me started on several of my goals.

Thinking on this, I will probably do what I usually do, and only talk about all of this instead of actually doing any of it.

But there is hope.

I used to only talk and dream of getting a motorcycle. Then last year, I signed up for lessons and got my license. Then I procrastinated about even getting one, and here I am about to buy my first. (Thanks to "Tip" at work for that one. He's not the one selling it, but he is the guy who said to me "You'll never get a Motorcycle!! You're procrastinating about it like me getting a Jeep!!" That woke me up I think, and I really do mean the "Thanks".)

I used to just daydream about attending a Renaissance Faire. Then in '04 I got fed up and went to the Texas Renaissance Festival. Loved it so much I went to the Michigan Renaissance Festival in '05. Both in FULL COSTUME, mind you!!

I used to only dream of joining the "Clan MacLeod" one day. Then last year I signed up.
NOTE: I did not join due to the popularity of the movie and television series "Highlander"!
They're good stuff, but I'm not a fan of them. I did'nt even think of joining any Clan until about ten years ago, when the little family secret on my Dad's side came out. He was adopted! And his original last name was "MacLeod"!! I did'nt even know I was Scottish!

(Yes, I wear the Kilt. I'll have some pictures soon. Just another one of my procrastinations I guess.)

So there's all that going for me. Maybe it just means.....I'm slow to act. It always takes me awhile to make desicions. And hopefully, this life-change desicion will just turn out to be a "slow" decision, and not just another one of my many procrastinations.

I think I feel better, just letting all of that out. I jus hope I did'nt let off too much steam, and go back to my usual routine!

Yep! It's official!!! Khorsaun's written another really long and boring journal entry!!!! Bitching about dumb shit again!! LOL!

To anyone who actually read all of this, Thank You! You've got alot of patience.......either that or you had nothing better to do, in which case I feel really sad for you! And if you're not already on my "Freinds List", you are now!

Until next time.....
Later.