kharnalbloodlust

i feel like i should say something. or perhaps i should say "write" something, because i can't speak in this medium.
tonight i'm restless. i spent a good day working and cleaning, and achieved most everything i wanted to, though i still have some laundry to do before bed. tomorrow matt comes to town. previously whenever the ex would visit, i'd try hard to plan out many interesting, exciting, and most of all impressive things to do for him. i like impressing him. today, other than a thorough cleaning, i'm doing nothing. no major meals, no slinky outfits. no plots for getting him to do new and interesting things.
he'll be here when i get home from work, and other than dinner with friends tomorrow night, the weekend is planless. i'm not a spontaneous person, and usually not having an outline makes me very anxious. but it isn't the lack of a plan that bothers me. it's my unwillingness to try so hard to make a good impression. maybe i've gotten comfortable with him finally. maybe i've given up. i don't know.

if i were to make him dinner, he'd never let me know if he found it more impressive than me having taken him out to eat. if i get dressed up, he won't act any more excited than if i left it alone. it bothers me. i get excited about everything he shares, because i believe that his willingness to share himself with me is a good thing, a generous thing. maybe if i start sharing just because i want him to share in my wonder, maybe then he'll respond. maybe my motivations are wrong.

the blah continues. i'm tired, and stressed. so blah is what i have. it'll pass as my days grow less busy. i miss my boy being my boy instead of this man that isn't mine. it's hard to explain, but being around him reminds me how alone i am. and sometimes, i get lonely. blah.

p.s. after reading what i just wrote, it struck me that for so long i've tried to impress him with things and actions because i didn't think i was enough to be impressive on my own. and now, i think i've just given up and accepted that i am what i am. and that if he's stuck around this long....(must complete the thought)...that if he's stuck around this long, he must be impressed with Me. but i really don't feel all that impressive right now.