kg

it's been a day for reflection.

my internet went down last night, giving me an involuntary fast from something i've become relatively dependent on for some time. with the day off work and the digital world of communication behind me, i cleaned my room (which was definitely past due), taking down things i had once put up to impress others and put up the things that i wanted to see for once. i walked and danced around my clean room in my christmas gift ugg boots and the incredible new underwear that my paycheck has afforded me. i noticed how good i look in them, and that maybe someone else will notice sometime (like in my new album and default pictures), too, but today was my time.

as the natural light got lower, i put on an instrumental play list comprised of godspeed you! black emperor, kasabian, elliott smith, yann tiersen, and a few others i can't remember right now. i laid in bed in blue jeans and a spotless white camisole and read several chapters of white oleander, using a generic yellow highlighter to make note of the words and phrases that stuck out to me. i sang myself songs that i would love for someone else to sing to me, their heart full of love and longing, but know that they won't. i lay there, reading and shivering and remembering why i take the most joy out of life's simple pleasures such as these.

today is a day where i dared not to check my cell phone, not wanting to be forgotten in the text-message lives of others; my best friends, my worst friends, complete strangers with awkward but wittily notable sexual experiences with marvin gaye's niece that make dazzling late night phone conversationalists. all these people are the ones that usually disappoint me by never caring about me as much as i do them, but it's no matter. i enjoy their company, for whatever they allow me, and accept it when i'm no longer of use. today wasn't about that. today was about me being completely and absolutely content with the life i have created independently for myself, and it worked.

my internet came back up. songs changed and moved on. my skin prickled with goosebumps and got colder. a friend or two texted. maybe VanBuren will call me back for some stimulating conversation, maybe he won't. perhaps i'll watch amelie tonight. maybe whatshisname will fall for the one everyone expects him to and not with me. i'll eat dinner with my mother but not my dad. work will come again tomorrow, but i'm ready and relaxed. whatever happens, i can deal with it.

it was a good day.

always,
-k.