kewtkristi

I blame the guy I had a problem with a few months back (for those of you that suffered through those blog posts with me, haha). See, about 3 weeks... wait... actually about 4 weeks by now, I got online after already suffering through 2 hours of a summer class, horrible weather, and shitty drivers to wind down. Only when my buddy list loaded, I saw he was on. I swear my heartbeat just about doubled and my stomach knotted up. Nevertheless, I needed an explanation since he never gave me one and I knew he's the type of person who would honor that request.

I started off as non-threatening as I could think of. Just basically said stuff like "hey it's been months since i
ve seen you online, how ya been", and "how's my 'buddy' been", and if he had time for a "friendly" chat. I wasn't EVEN going to let my inner Pandora's Box filled with emotions I hate get opened. At this point, the IM became one-sided, him typing and me just sitting there stunned. Apparently his friends had been hassling him about not being online when he'd be at home. I'll explain for anybody not like him and I. We're the types that typically don't have our cell phones on when we're at home because we're online. Anyway, and we've always been able to be honest with each other at least about things that don't cross into the super-serious discussion areas, he said the reason he hadn't been online was because he was still trying to figure out what he wanted to say to me and thought it'd be simple enough to avoid me by not being online. Boy does he know how to read me because I have no problems resisting texts so there was no way I'd send him any, yet the temptation to IM him would've just been too much for me to resist until I got an explanation. And he knew that. Then he goes on explaining and apologizing like crazy for bailing on me like he had. In a nutshell, he felt things were moving too fast, freaked out, and and thought that despite having feelings for me it'd just be easier to push me away than to figure things out. Nevertheless, he thought about me off and on the entire time we weren't chatting. He even told me that about a month later he started dating a girl but that it was funny how things worked out (karma) because she dumped him for another guy after just a few dates or something like that. So we settled on immediately returning to our "close friends" status and just letting the rest up to fate.

Now the reason I bring this up. Granted the fact that we're both somewhat hornballs, sex had come up before in our conversations. I don't really think anything of talking about sex online, so whenever he'd tell me that no other girl had turned him on before like I do (meaning it was something more than just a pure carnal desire), I just took it as a compliment. It didn't really make any sense to me because I've never really been serious about anything sex-related with anybody I've chatted with online and all of my hook-ups have just been out of lust since I haven't actually had any sort of relationship since high school so there's never been the potential for it with somebody I had feelings for. I've never told him that's what I'd think when he'd say that because I didn't want him thinking I thought he was just a silly boy for thinking it.

Well, the time had finally come that he was convinced we needed to meet, if only just to take me on a date. He even said that sex didn't have to happen, but I knew better because of those parts of our past conversations and the fact that I hadn't had any in probably 6 weeks or so, hehehe. So we were discussing plans and such, making sure all of our bases were covered and he pulled out that line again. Only that time he elaborated that it wasn't that he'd never lusted after a girl before or (assumption) that he's just slept with ex gf's they wanted to (I mean what guy wouldn't turn down sex with his gf), but that this was somehow different with me. I just ignored it and moved on. Anyway, Memorial Day weekend rolled around and everything was set. I hit the road. Texted him when I got to the hotel, and then he called me up to guide me to his house. Keeping in mind that I had forgotten to eat before I left because of my nerves and the fact that he's diabetic, we stopped and got food before heading back to the hotel to drop off our stuff... mostly my stuff, lol. So that comment he kept making started to make a bit more sense because it turns out (and I can't believe it took this long for him to say it) that I'm unlike any other girl he's ever dated or even just had the hots for. My intuition was right about the sex, but that's besides the point because my point is more about what I guess is to be considered our first date. Well with it being Memorial Day weekend and the fact that he doesn't live in that big of a town (and I've been somewhat his secret I guess), the "dinner and a movie" all took place on the hotel-room bed. He paid for everything, and I even surprised him by actually agreeing over the movie rentals (he would've been able to guess if I hadn't been sincere about it btw).

Ok, so I guess the fact that I'm NOT like any other girl he's ever dated kinda threw him off his game when I dropped him off the next day because, instead of a hug of a kiss, he gave me a fist bump when he got out of my car. Crazy me, I didn't think anything of it at the time and bumped him back, I guess out of habit or something. Anyway, I couldn't get it off my mind the entire drive home and I didn't get to talk to him until a week later because we we're both busy and online at different times. So when we finally managed to be online at the same time, I asked him about it. He said he was just so wrapped up in how different I was from other girls he's fated and how "awesome" I turned out to be, that he guessed I just threw him off of what he'd normally do after a date. I can't even remember how many times he then reassured me it was nothing I did and that we were still ok.

Now this is where my confusion comes in. For the week following his reassurance, I had no problems resuming my typical online activities (essentially just being a flirt with guys online), but the past two weeks I've lost my motivation for it pretty much altogether and on top of that its ability to turn me on. This afternoon, I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and pondering various things in my life, this lack of motivation being one of the points. That's when his comment about him being attracted to me like he hasn't been with any other girl popped into my head. Sure, I've lusted after guys before and even hooked up with a few of them. But those hook-ups were just that, pure lust. Essentially meaningless. Then with this guy, there was something different that I couldn't place. And now I was the one who became all confused and decided to avoid getting online until I could figure it out. I still have no clue frankly. So although I know guys hate to talk about their feelings and the like, I left him a note asking him if we could try to chat sometime soon... mixed in with a few other little ramblings of mine.