Thx for replying to my last blog (you know whom u are) 
Anyway, I am starting to feel useless as a man, I know I shouldn't keep these feelings all the time but seriously how can I not. I am getting tired of the internet thing. Maybe I should turn homosexual, although the thought of same sex (for me anyway) is repulsive, I am completely straight. Although I seem to attract men rather than women. Maybe its my aura or some shit like that. I am not sure I just know that I am sick and tired of the same thing. I know I am not much to look at, hell i've been told by enough females my whole life, hell I still shutter when I look back at my puberty...I really hated the girls I went to High school with. I mean I wasn't the best looking (shit, still ain't) but I was a nice guy. Maybe thats my problem, I am not built like a brick shit house, I don't have 2 dozen tattoos and only have pierced ears. I like to read, write, draw and maybe because I don't like fast cars, motorcycles or living on the edge (I should though, this whole Cancer thing sort of wakes you up) makes Timmy a dull boy to 99.9% of the women alive on this Earth.
Its difficult to express how I feel at any given point in my day. But lonliness (ie: fear of dying alone) is my biggest problem. I am at the age (40) where women my own age tend to be looking for a father for their children or a 'friend' as oppossed to a real partner. Younger women are different because they tend to len towards more attractive men (PS: this is just what i've experienced first hand...NOT ALL women, just the 1,000 or so I met during my lifetime) and maybe I am being a "baby" but when you have this feeling and are going through what I have, you would give anything to just lay with someone, to hold them and just feel like you actually mean something to someone, that someone loves and cares about you, family counts by the way, they are all supportive of me. I am talking in a romantic way. I have always heard that if you look for love, you will never find it, but if you act all "blah" about it, it usually hits you in the face...well I have been "blah" about it for nearly 4 damn years and it hasn't done shit for me at all, just makes me feel as though I am not good enough. Does that make sense. I know I may get blasted for this but for men it is different than it is for women. That is to say that for me, I find women in general attractive, whether its there eyes, lips, nose (yes 'nose') smile, laugh, voice , accent or no, hands. All those things mean more to me than weight, tit size, legs or anything else. Most people when we talk about our 'ideal mate' generalize it to a fault. It is true that a good sense of humour is important as is character, a trustful and trustworthy woman but also someone whom keeps me on my toes. A friend, someone to talk to about my problems, trust me I have problems, but she would accept me for me.
I am not into 'soul-mate' shit. Its just a way for Hallmark (like Valentine's Day) to sell their crap.
On top of all of that, as I stated above it would be nice just to lay with someone, to hold them. Just that feeling is amazing by itself, no sex. Most of you whom will read this know that I can't get wood even if I tied 2 popsicle sticks to each side of it and made a splint...my meds and the chemotherapy did that in. Sex isn't an issue at all. Hell I wish I could, it would be nice. I won't lie.
All in all, I apologize if I offended anyone here, I just had to vent. Its so frustrating to be alone all the time, to feel alienated from the female sex 98.99% of the time (not talking about my friends of course). It just makes a man feel 'un-manly', unwanted, unattractive and simply put...like comeplete dog-shit. Albeit 6'0", brown eyed, shave-headed dog shit but still the same.
Thats all for now...
Anyway, I am starting to feel useless as a man, I know I shouldn't keep these feelings all the time but seriously how can I not. I am getting tired of the internet thing. Maybe I should turn homosexual, although the thought of same sex (for me anyway) is repulsive, I am completely straight. Although I seem to attract men rather than women. Maybe its my aura or some shit like that. I am not sure I just know that I am sick and tired of the same thing. I know I am not much to look at, hell i've been told by enough females my whole life, hell I still shutter when I look back at my puberty...I really hated the girls I went to High school with. I mean I wasn't the best looking (shit, still ain't) but I was a nice guy. Maybe thats my problem, I am not built like a brick shit house, I don't have 2 dozen tattoos and only have pierced ears. I like to read, write, draw and maybe because I don't like fast cars, motorcycles or living on the edge (I should though, this whole Cancer thing sort of wakes you up) makes Timmy a dull boy to 99.9% of the women alive on this Earth.
Its difficult to express how I feel at any given point in my day. But lonliness (ie: fear of dying alone) is my biggest problem. I am at the age (40) where women my own age tend to be looking for a father for their children or a 'friend' as oppossed to a real partner. Younger women are different because they tend to len towards more attractive men (PS: this is just what i've experienced first hand...NOT ALL women, just the 1,000 or so I met during my lifetime) and maybe I am being a "baby" but when you have this feeling and are going through what I have, you would give anything to just lay with someone, to hold them and just feel like you actually mean something to someone, that someone loves and cares about you, family counts by the way, they are all supportive of me. I am talking in a romantic way. I have always heard that if you look for love, you will never find it, but if you act all "blah" about it, it usually hits you in the face...well I have been "blah" about it for nearly 4 damn years and it hasn't done shit for me at all, just makes me feel as though I am not good enough. Does that make sense. I know I may get blasted for this but for men it is different than it is for women. That is to say that for me, I find women in general attractive, whether its there eyes, lips, nose (yes 'nose') smile, laugh, voice , accent or no, hands. All those things mean more to me than weight, tit size, legs or anything else. Most people when we talk about our 'ideal mate' generalize it to a fault. It is true that a good sense of humour is important as is character, a trustful and trustworthy woman but also someone whom keeps me on my toes. A friend, someone to talk to about my problems, trust me I have problems, but she would accept me for me.
I am not into 'soul-mate' shit. Its just a way for Hallmark (like Valentine's Day) to sell their crap.
On top of all of that, as I stated above it would be nice just to lay with someone, to hold them. Just that feeling is amazing by itself, no sex. Most of you whom will read this know that I can't get wood even if I tied 2 popsicle sticks to each side of it and made a splint...my meds and the chemotherapy did that in. Sex isn't an issue at all. Hell I wish I could, it would be nice. I won't lie.All in all, I apologize if I offended anyone here, I just had to vent. Its so frustrating to be alone all the time, to feel alienated from the female sex 98.99% of the time (not talking about my friends of course). It just makes a man feel 'un-manly', unwanted, unattractive and simply put...like comeplete dog-shit. Albeit 6'0", brown eyed, shave-headed dog shit but still the same.
Thats all for now...
chloe:
The original & biggest Comic-Con is always held in San Diego, CA. 