So I want to come back, but lately I’ve been feeling at a crossroads with many areas of my life, and I don’t quite know what to say or how to handle it.
First let me start by saying, as for modeling in general, I have been on and off of hiatuses mainly due to mental and health issues. For those who may not know, I have Fibromyalgia, though most days I try to overcome and conquer it gets the best of me. I am also more susceptible to being ill etc.
Nextly, it’s been a BAD year for my depression and it’s numerous things. There are things in my personal life I’m not quite at liberty to discuss. However, aside from that Suicide Girls was one of those things that had really been bumming me out. I’ve wanted this since I was 17 years old. I used to come on the site and view what I could for free and was in such awe, I told myself one day I would work up the courage to do this (even though I had already had an active model career more editorial/fashion based). So in 2010 I applied for the first time and got turned down, for what I assumed was not enough tattoos. Well I applied again in 2012, and got accepted but I didn’t Persue it (though I’m not entirely sure why). Then in late 2015 I became active on the site, and then in spring of 2016 I finally released my first set, and boy was a I so excited to be here. To interact with everyone etc.
I set goals for myself. To do 1-2 full blog posts a week (including blog homework), Comment on at least 2 threads a day, Post at least 1-2 pictures a day, 1 video a week and I always made sure I replied to any comments or tags. So here I am 9 months later coming out with another set, still Pushing it to the fullest. I would spend soo much time on here trying to “make it”. To be honest, eventually I got burnt out, when I have over X amount of followers, and X amount of likes on my sets, and feeling like it doesn’t matter. Asking myself why am I doing thing? HOW is it I’m giving 100% and getting 0 back. I’ve been loyal to Sucide Girls, I turned down offers or didn’t follow through on other sites, because they don’t want that (but I can count how many girls who are on a competitive site that conflicts with their Contracts). I promote their Blackheart Burlesque every year, and I Would Do SOO much, to feel like I get nothing. It breaks my heart and it breaks my spirit. So slowly I kind of kept my distance from SGs I’d come on maybe once a week just to let everyone I know I still exsited. It’s fristrating when you’re told that all these things make a difference and there’s all these rules but honestly they’re trashed by the very admins who “enforce” them. It also blows my mind how someone who hasn’t been on in a year will still get front page. Or how there will be girls making pink when their first set hits the site but it only has 200 likes, I get it that doesn’t always matter, but it should speak to SOMETHING. There’s so many girls on here that truly deserve this, and aren’t even given the time of day.
Anyway, my “subscription” ends in less than 4 weeks and I’m stuck with the dilemma of whether or not I should renew it. Will it be worth it? I have sets to submit but I haven’t for the simple fact that I don’t know if it will even get me anywhere. It’s a tough spot and call to be in, and I sit here choking back tears because I feel like I’m abandoning any sort of dream or hope I have left. For some people Suicide Girls doesn’t or didn’t mean much, but for me it was everything, why do I feel like a piece of me is being ripped away? Maybe it’s because I huge part of my depression has always centered around the fact that my best is never good enough. Always a bridesmaid never a bride. I’m not talking trash or any of that, just trying to vent some of my frustrations in hopes that someone will see it and use it as a means to maybe change things, but then again it will probably go through one ear and out the other. I’m also the type of person that will look out for those who look out for me (even those who don’t). I want to promote the hell out of SG like I used to. I want to come back on here for hours each day... But how? I constantly hold out hope that things will work out even when part of me feels like they won’t. I joined Is My Girl to have a little of something and the day my page went live, they shared me on their IG and it made me so ecstatic! It’s unfair to say all these things matter when deep down you just pick and choose WHO YOU WANT ANYWAY, despite the words you preach. I value transparency and integrity. We need that back in people.
So here I am a dog with out a bone hoping that someone will give me a new one.
Sorry for any negativity this post may have possessed it wasn’t my intention at all, I’m just lost in a darkness trying to find my way through. Know that everyone who follows me means everything. I can’t tell you how much I treasure and value each and every supporter from the smallest to the number one fans (you know who you are).
Stay Beautiful
Xoxo
🦊Kenna
