God, I am so depressed but so overwhelmingly happy at the same time.
I complained on my last blog, but then I figured out that I have some problems I need to sort through in my own head. I am (without sounding like a pompous ass) an incredibly intelligent person...I have known this since early childhood, and I was always very in tune with the thoughts and perceptions of adult's emotions and true feelings masked behind the bullshit front they put up for children. My mother also knew this of me, and never tried to shield me with baby talk and euphemisms, but rather took the honest approach with me and let me learn about life for myself with very few restraints. When I was around 10 years old, she told me that she didn't understand it, but she was pretty sure I came out of the womb with the brain of a 30 year old.
I also had to learn how to deal with adults differently than others at a young age because my father is a raging alcoholic and incredibly abusive. I have seen him shove my mother down on a couch so hard it cracked the wall behind her, I have seen him punch her in the face and break her nose, i have seen push a door in on my older sister and fracture her leg...I could go on, but you get the picture. This all happened before I was even 7. After he threatened to kill my mother, my two sisters, and I, Mom got a clue and moved us away from him and gave us a new life with a new stepdad, who has become the most important male figure in my life, and one of the people I hold dearest in my heart. Unfortunately, my father still had visitation rights and would get drunk and make me listen to him drone on about the injustices he had been dealt in his shitstain of an existence, and when he started throwing glass objects at my head and threatening to kill himself every time I stayed the night and I had to beg him not to, my mother once again yanked me out of there and I have seen him so rarely since then I can't begin to tell you what he has done with himself.
But early things like this sometimes affect people in a way they don't understand until years and years later, which seems to be what's happening in me right now. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is far too complicated to begin to describe here, so google it if you actually care(I doubt you do, but who knows). It has made it incredibly difficult on my interpersonal relationships, and until this point, I have blamed these problems on whatever partner I was with, or whatever else loved one I felt was closest to me at the time. My mother told me when I was going through my horrendous teenage years that the only thing I inherited from my father was my ability to destroy everything I loved. She was right, except I don't think she realized that there was clinical term and explanation for it, and that it was something that is treatable and understandable.
I feel like I have a new lease on life now that I have something to fix, though--it is freeing, still yet confusing, and absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was so afraid for so long to admit that I had a problem because it was so much easier to think it was the people around me. I wasn't ready to be honest with myself, but after almost losing a man that has done nothing but be amazing to me, support me while I look for a good job(more than once), try to build us a home to start our life in, and tell me how beautiful and intelligent and interesting and amazing I am every day I am alive, I decided it was time to make a big change and figure out what I could do to better myself and the relationships I have. We're doing better already, now that we have something to understand, and something to calm us down and look at from a logical perspective. I finally feel like I can move out of that post-adolescent angst-ridden depressive phase and get on with my life as a woman, as a wife, and hopefully in the next few years, as a mother.
In the mean time, Bob's band had their last show Saturday night, which is very very saddening for me, seeing as how that's how we met. I think it's amazing though, that I can look back through my blogs on here and watch so much of our relationship chronicled in pictures and words about shows, trips, adventures, even drugs and booze lol...here's just a couple of pictures from that night that I stole from one of my best friends. I have to say, we are some fucking hot girls, and if you don't think so, you can go suck a D.
And one of the boys, for the very last time...hopefully someone took a picture of me on stage with Bob, us singing their cover of Face to Face's "Disconnected". It always brought down the house, and my boy actually sang on it, so i had to get up there and help him out one last time. Until I get that image, enjoy the panoramic view of my favorite goddamn boys that will ever play punk rock.
To peace. love. good health. lots of fun. good friends. amazing moments. and the rest of our lives.
I complained on my last blog, but then I figured out that I have some problems I need to sort through in my own head. I am (without sounding like a pompous ass) an incredibly intelligent person...I have known this since early childhood, and I was always very in tune with the thoughts and perceptions of adult's emotions and true feelings masked behind the bullshit front they put up for children. My mother also knew this of me, and never tried to shield me with baby talk and euphemisms, but rather took the honest approach with me and let me learn about life for myself with very few restraints. When I was around 10 years old, she told me that she didn't understand it, but she was pretty sure I came out of the womb with the brain of a 30 year old.
I also had to learn how to deal with adults differently than others at a young age because my father is a raging alcoholic and incredibly abusive. I have seen him shove my mother down on a couch so hard it cracked the wall behind her, I have seen him punch her in the face and break her nose, i have seen push a door in on my older sister and fracture her leg...I could go on, but you get the picture. This all happened before I was even 7. After he threatened to kill my mother, my two sisters, and I, Mom got a clue and moved us away from him and gave us a new life with a new stepdad, who has become the most important male figure in my life, and one of the people I hold dearest in my heart. Unfortunately, my father still had visitation rights and would get drunk and make me listen to him drone on about the injustices he had been dealt in his shitstain of an existence, and when he started throwing glass objects at my head and threatening to kill himself every time I stayed the night and I had to beg him not to, my mother once again yanked me out of there and I have seen him so rarely since then I can't begin to tell you what he has done with himself.
But early things like this sometimes affect people in a way they don't understand until years and years later, which seems to be what's happening in me right now. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is far too complicated to begin to describe here, so google it if you actually care(I doubt you do, but who knows). It has made it incredibly difficult on my interpersonal relationships, and until this point, I have blamed these problems on whatever partner I was with, or whatever else loved one I felt was closest to me at the time. My mother told me when I was going through my horrendous teenage years that the only thing I inherited from my father was my ability to destroy everything I loved. She was right, except I don't think she realized that there was clinical term and explanation for it, and that it was something that is treatable and understandable.
I feel like I have a new lease on life now that I have something to fix, though--it is freeing, still yet confusing, and absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was so afraid for so long to admit that I had a problem because it was so much easier to think it was the people around me. I wasn't ready to be honest with myself, but after almost losing a man that has done nothing but be amazing to me, support me while I look for a good job(more than once), try to build us a home to start our life in, and tell me how beautiful and intelligent and interesting and amazing I am every day I am alive, I decided it was time to make a big change and figure out what I could do to better myself and the relationships I have. We're doing better already, now that we have something to understand, and something to calm us down and look at from a logical perspective. I finally feel like I can move out of that post-adolescent angst-ridden depressive phase and get on with my life as a woman, as a wife, and hopefully in the next few years, as a mother.
In the mean time, Bob's band had their last show Saturday night, which is very very saddening for me, seeing as how that's how we met. I think it's amazing though, that I can look back through my blogs on here and watch so much of our relationship chronicled in pictures and words about shows, trips, adventures, even drugs and booze lol...here's just a couple of pictures from that night that I stole from one of my best friends. I have to say, we are some fucking hot girls, and if you don't think so, you can go suck a D.
And one of the boys, for the very last time...hopefully someone took a picture of me on stage with Bob, us singing their cover of Face to Face's "Disconnected". It always brought down the house, and my boy actually sang on it, so i had to get up there and help him out one last time. Until I get that image, enjoy the panoramic view of my favorite goddamn boys that will ever play punk rock.
To peace. love. good health. lots of fun. good friends. amazing moments. and the rest of our lives.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I'll always be here for you.