My life is not even half way through and i swear i have made more wrong decisions than even Hitler, okay so maybe not on that grand scale or anything as evil haha but still... too many wrong choices.
They say it is the choices you make that make who you become and unfortunately i am now just filled with an amount of regret to throttle a metaphorical elephant haha.
I am working hard to change this decision making process, through quitting drinking as of yesterday - no more chocolate and things that give you headaches and fake happiness hormones. (the big word for that just slipped my mind lol). I need to find the motive to work hard in any job i can get and work my way up or use the next step as a stepping stone into a chosen career.
I lose motivation when i meet people i like & make groups of friends because i get so wrapped up in the lifestyles we lead together and get too involved with people, i wear my heart on my sleeve and for the first time today after a long conversation with my beautiful mother i had to make the tough decision to leave the man i was with, he is gorgeous, funny makes me stupidly happy but unfortunately i am mentally unstable and feel like two people half the time which isnt good for him or me to be honest. I dont want to be the reason he goes nuts too and until i am physically and mentally healthier i dont believe i am ready to be involved in any serious relationships.
It kills me cos i really like him and he really likes (liked) me and now he proper hates me i think. It isnt hard to imagine the upset and anger he is feeling now because i have been in his position too many times before. I hate that i have hurt him and feel like i am actually more upset that i have hurt him than anything else, most men are not good guys all round but he genuinely was.
I have made too many wrong choices these past few months & it puts into perspective what life is really about.
It is the wrong choices you make that lead you to becoming the person you should be.
Until you realise that the choices you are making are wrong you cannot see who you should be, i have finally realised that for once i need to be alone, work on myself... work on getting a career & becoming a much calmer & happier person.
Everyone who suffers with mental problems has the same feelings i get with self hatred and hating being alone, it is common. I only discuss it openly now because i am tired of hating myself for all the wrong choices i have made, instead i am going to use them as fuel to my fire & work my ass off to have the life i want and deserve.
