I feel like i am crazy, in fact i feel like i know i am crazy.
It is sufferable and devastating to wake up hating yourself every single day, just when i start liking my appearance i get stressed and end up with a face covered in spots & lumps and bumps all over.
Not only that but me and my boyfriend are falling apart it is scaring me because i love him so much I don't want to lose him but it feels like no matter what i do i am going to.
Admittedly i can be a bit of a bitch sometimes and I'm sometimes a clingy person, but he is meant to be helping me become better in myself, my personality & my way of life. I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment and it feels like i am losing control of my emotions, the way i act in public and so on.
I will have literal fits & outbursts in public as if i were at home as if its acceptable behaviour when i know its not but i feel it happen and cannot stop myself. Then i end up begging for his forgiveness etc because i get that bad that he ends up flipping on me and dumping me. Even though we end every day together and okay its the start of everyday that causes me worry... its like we have to argue we have to have a blow up before it all works out and 9/10 times its my fault.
I do not know what is wrong with me, though i know i am being psychiatrically evaluated at the end of this month. Feels like by that time it'll be too late i will be single and sad.
I am such an emotional wreck all of the time.
I feel like i am playing the waiting game and have been for a long time when my boyfriend is concerned, waiting for him to try harder and show me how worthwhile i am because of things that happened in our relationship in the past. It is sad because a lot of the time i know he wants to show me but he thinks it'll cost money to show me which a lot of the time it doesn't it just takes thought and effort and his time.
I pushed for him to make us a photo album i even printed the pictures off so he could and we ended up in a couple arguments but it got done in the end.
I know its my ex's fault that I'm a bit nuts and i understand its down to my past as well, tragic things from my childhood and whatnot that have made me the way i am today. However if i cannot learn to work through these issues and get over them i am going to be very depressed and very alone, very soon.
What would you do if you knew you were crazy but your only options were to get locked up with a bunch of truly insane people which means you will come out no doubt even worse than when you went in, or deal with it in another way which i haven't thought of yet cos i don't feel like i have many options.
Sometimes i feel like i should break up with him for his sake because he's such an amazing guy and deserves to be happy yet all i seem to do is add conditions onto our relationship and drag him down.
What would you do if you were me?
