How has SG changed my life?
The answer should, surely, have something to do with accepting my body and finding my inner goddess, yes? Well, I'd prefer to write about something other than my 'beauty' for this one. In previous blogs there has been mention of my cruelty as a teenager, especially in regards to the looks of other girls. There are a couple hundred women on SG who grew up as 'outcasts' or 'nerds' who have blossomed into sexpots and discovered that they are, in fact, gorgeous! Who kept them from seeing this truth during their most vulnerable and impressionable years? Probably bitches like me. I was A. Mean. Girl.
In 7th grade, a girl cornered me in front of her locker and busted my lip. My empty blonde head bounced off and I swore I could smell math. Matoya, one of my gal friends, proceeded to beat the shit out of the girl and two other girls rushed me to the office. In the end, who was the victim in all of this? Administration determined it was me, but the way we had been laughing at that girl during lunch before 'the incident' was a different breed of truth. Yes, she smelled bad and her family was poor and she'd been sent home twice that semester with head lice, but what right did I have to see only that? Because of how often I'd heard it from family, strangers, friends, the fact that I am "cute" has never really been hidden. I was never the most popular girl in school but even with my armor of billions of hours spent on Duke Nukem or reading Magic Knight Rayearth and other manga while listening to Enya, I enjoyed being pretty and all the attention from boys and girls alike.
This continued through college-the beautiful gal friends, clubbing, parties, cheerleading, cutest boyfriends and girlfriends, Sorority and Frat parties, affairs, all sprinkled with a heap of vainly putting others down so that I could feel triumphant atop the corpse of another person's self-esteem.
In college I did learn a few HARD lessons about acceptable behavior vs. elitist bitch-ism, but what really drove the last of that bully out of me is the complete diversity of SG. Yes, my own insecurities and self-shaming have been mostly eradicated (who knew people liked lippy vaginas?!), but the way that I've viewed other women with certain features has burned that bitch away. Not just girls who have kept their unique, bold features that some consider imperfect and turned them into a trademark, but there have also been girls who 'bloom' into different creatures altogether.
Skinny girls who gain some meat in JUST the right places, bigger girls who work it right, shy girls who break away from that shell and own a photo shoot like it's their bitch, sweet, innocent birds who become utter and complete a-holes, hopefuls to act like they own the place, hopefuls who learn to help one another gracefully, seemingly hopeless and talentless models who now have bypassed my ass, ugly ducklings into swans, and even bitches like me who are humbled by the chaotic but graceful dance of it all and learn that our shit does, indeed, stink.
When I first started this whole debacle there was a silly impression that I'd be pink in 6 months tops. I was going around giving 'advice' to other Hopefuls with selfish intentions and rude demeanor, and then one of them came out with this SET of all photo sets that made her Pink in a little over a week. I continue in my quest out of 'Blue' and realize how far down my throat my foot was... my continuing embarrassment will not allow me to tell you who this magnificent girl is, but I was SO wrong. The last couple of SG events that I have gone to, I've tried to set back a bit and just learn more about the other girls and be quieter (and secretly I love it). Somewhere along the way, I learned that I enjoy helping to promote, shoot sets for, and encourage the other gals here. Sure, I still want some damn attention and my main reason to be here is to still become a Suicide Girl myself, but fuckin' seriously, how can you not enjoy the hundreds of amazing babes already here and the new ones that pour in daily? Admittedly, I've gone from crying in sadness every time my set didn't get bought, to crying out of happiness when certain girls get chosen to become SGs (namely, @amarena, @kurosune etc.).
We can't just live by "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all", my darlings; we have to change our thinking and retrain ourselves to appreciate, worship, fall in love with, fap to, unique kinds of beauty. But if you are here, on SG, you're already on the right track.