This week the medical world was rocked as scientists disclosed details of a previously unknown disease that has the potential to turn mankind into a scavenging, gaunt, xylophone-ribbed monstrosity.
Opioid Tearductum (or Skag Squall as it is known on the street) has no outward symptoms and is unlikely to have a direct detrimental effect on the health of the sufferer, however the by-product of the illness has incited random attacks and let to the conception of organised gangs intent on getting 'fixed'.
Individuals at risk may have previously worked for The Royal British Legion, either as street vendors or in the sweat shops responsible for creating the famous paper poppy merchandise. Extended periods of exposure to the poppies may not only lead to a high tolerance for opiates but in most cases sufferers excrete opiate like substances from their lacrimal glands or tear ducts, for those of you that failed Biology.
The fist documented case was that of Marjorie Haywood (84). Her husband Alfred (86) had long been suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, which made any movement exceptionally difficult and brought him almost constant pain. Marjorie, or Madge as she is known to her friends, had been a volunteer for The Royal British Legion for two decades and often worked as a street vendor selling the apparently harmless paper poppies. One day this spring Alf was having a particularly tough day and, unable to get up from his chair, wet himself.
Ashamed of his actions and stinking of piss, Alf began to cry. As Madge attempted to assist him she broke down having failed once more to lift him from his seat. Sobbing, they held one another and affectionately kissed the other's creviced cheeks. After little more than a minute of this tenderness Alf began to feel less pain and a new found strength came upon him, coupled with flashes of euphoria. He realised as he had been kissing her that her tears had tasted somewhat different and in an attempt to decipher the cause of his new found sensation continued to kiss away her tears. No more than five minutes later Alf rose from his chair only to collapse, bearing what Madge described as 'a demonic grin'.
And so Opioid Tearductum was discovered. Following this incident Alf found enough strength to bind and gag Madge and subject her to 3 days of torture in order to produce enough tears to keep him high. The couple were discovered on the third day by a home-help assistant who wishes to remain nameless. At the time of discovery Alf was on the floor, naked and making sexual gesticulations toward the toilet, whilst Madge was hanging above the bath tub by what was described as an elaborate creation in a similar style to Japanese rope bondage. Alf was refused bail prior to the trial. Madge has been placed under police protection in hospital as her refusal to cry has caused her face to swell and distort into a horrific mutation that could only be likened to George Bush's ego, were it tangible.
Sadly, Madge and Alf's case is not an isolated one. Police have revealed details of incidents during which organised gangs have been raiding Royal British Legion Social Clubs and kidnapping members in the hope of finding sufferers of Opioid Tearductum. Sting operations across the country have led to several arrests being made and police have revealed that icon Iggy Pop is amongst those being held. They have refused to confirm reports that he is one of the masterminds behind the criminal ring.
Until now mainstream media has failed to report on the subject for fear of creating a backlash against older communities, however The Royal British Legion has now released an official statement indicating that they will not be using the poppies to commemorate this years Remembrance Day on November 11th. Rear Admiral Trevor Spires, the CEO of the Service Personnel and Veterans Agency, issued a statement yesterday afternoon, addressing the plight of those whose welfare he holds so dear:
"This is truly a disgrace. Instead of focusing on the by-product and it's potentially euphoric effects I ask you, the people, to spare a thought for your countrymen, my comrades, who fought for your freedom. Show them the respect they so deserve and allow them to pass freely wherever they so wish." When our reporter informed Trev that defecating in public was illegal he halted the press conference.
Scientists are investigating the potential ingredient or cocktail thereof that has caused Opioid Tearductum. In the meantime The Royal British Legion has halted the manufacture of it's famous poppies and all stocks have been recalled. Experts recommend that anybody in possession of a paper poppy dial 999 immediately. Additionally the government has set up a special helpline to offer support to those suffering or those who have been affected by Opioid Tearductum. DCDGH, the 'Don't Cry, Don't Get High' league can be contacted on 0908 3223 3825.
Opioid Tearductum (or Skag Squall as it is known on the street) has no outward symptoms and is unlikely to have a direct detrimental effect on the health of the sufferer, however the by-product of the illness has incited random attacks and let to the conception of organised gangs intent on getting 'fixed'.
Individuals at risk may have previously worked for The Royal British Legion, either as street vendors or in the sweat shops responsible for creating the famous paper poppy merchandise. Extended periods of exposure to the poppies may not only lead to a high tolerance for opiates but in most cases sufferers excrete opiate like substances from their lacrimal glands or tear ducts, for those of you that failed Biology.
The fist documented case was that of Marjorie Haywood (84). Her husband Alfred (86) had long been suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, which made any movement exceptionally difficult and brought him almost constant pain. Marjorie, or Madge as she is known to her friends, had been a volunteer for The Royal British Legion for two decades and often worked as a street vendor selling the apparently harmless paper poppies. One day this spring Alf was having a particularly tough day and, unable to get up from his chair, wet himself.
Ashamed of his actions and stinking of piss, Alf began to cry. As Madge attempted to assist him she broke down having failed once more to lift him from his seat. Sobbing, they held one another and affectionately kissed the other's creviced cheeks. After little more than a minute of this tenderness Alf began to feel less pain and a new found strength came upon him, coupled with flashes of euphoria. He realised as he had been kissing her that her tears had tasted somewhat different and in an attempt to decipher the cause of his new found sensation continued to kiss away her tears. No more than five minutes later Alf rose from his chair only to collapse, bearing what Madge described as 'a demonic grin'.
And so Opioid Tearductum was discovered. Following this incident Alf found enough strength to bind and gag Madge and subject her to 3 days of torture in order to produce enough tears to keep him high. The couple were discovered on the third day by a home-help assistant who wishes to remain nameless. At the time of discovery Alf was on the floor, naked and making sexual gesticulations toward the toilet, whilst Madge was hanging above the bath tub by what was described as an elaborate creation in a similar style to Japanese rope bondage. Alf was refused bail prior to the trial. Madge has been placed under police protection in hospital as her refusal to cry has caused her face to swell and distort into a horrific mutation that could only be likened to George Bush's ego, were it tangible.
Sadly, Madge and Alf's case is not an isolated one. Police have revealed details of incidents during which organised gangs have been raiding Royal British Legion Social Clubs and kidnapping members in the hope of finding sufferers of Opioid Tearductum. Sting operations across the country have led to several arrests being made and police have revealed that icon Iggy Pop is amongst those being held. They have refused to confirm reports that he is one of the masterminds behind the criminal ring.
Until now mainstream media has failed to report on the subject for fear of creating a backlash against older communities, however The Royal British Legion has now released an official statement indicating that they will not be using the poppies to commemorate this years Remembrance Day on November 11th. Rear Admiral Trevor Spires, the CEO of the Service Personnel and Veterans Agency, issued a statement yesterday afternoon, addressing the plight of those whose welfare he holds so dear:
"This is truly a disgrace. Instead of focusing on the by-product and it's potentially euphoric effects I ask you, the people, to spare a thought for your countrymen, my comrades, who fought for your freedom. Show them the respect they so deserve and allow them to pass freely wherever they so wish." When our reporter informed Trev that defecating in public was illegal he halted the press conference.
Scientists are investigating the potential ingredient or cocktail thereof that has caused Opioid Tearductum. In the meantime The Royal British Legion has halted the manufacture of it's famous poppies and all stocks have been recalled. Experts recommend that anybody in possession of a paper poppy dial 999 immediately. Additionally the government has set up a special helpline to offer support to those suffering or those who have been affected by Opioid Tearductum. DCDGH, the 'Don't Cry, Don't Get High' league can be contacted on 0908 3223 3825.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
Why I do believe that 'twas you that send me the story in the first place, madame. I have a mind like a bear-trap for facts. This you will learn. Remembering what I did yesterday, what I had for breakfast, what fucking day it is ........ far more trickier information for my brain to hold. But something that leaves a mark on me, leaves a mark on me.
And the minibar sentence just HAD to come back.