Monday was very difficult for me. This is not going to be an eloquent posting. I'm not going to try to sound colorful. It's not going to be fun to read. It's not fun for me to write. But I have to. I feel a tremendous amount of grief. And guilt.
My cats have been ill for some time. I had four cats: Sebastian, Kiefer, Tyler, and Viola. Sebastian is 7, Kiefer is 4, Tyler is 13, and Viola was 14. They all have had fleas for a few months now, and my parents have not been so adamant about solving the problem. Tyler and Viola were most affected by the fleas because they are both long-haired Persians; they began losing weight, and a week ago, Viola stopped eating and started hiding under my bed. Then she started having kidney problems. For awhile, she was better. My parents took her to the vet and gave her antibiotics on a daily basis. When my mom called for her weekly checking-up-on-me on Saturday, she informed me that Viola was not doing well at all. Ever since, I have been preparing myself for the call that would inform me of her sad and unfortunate passing.
Monday in history class, I thought that call came. I was watching a film in class when my phone rang. It was my mom, and she never calls during the week unless it's bad news. I immediately left the classroom and listened to the voice mail that she left me. She sadly informed me that Molly, our family dog of 10 years, died suddenly yesterday afternoon. I was shocked. I still am shocked. It doesn't feel real. And of course, it doesn't feel good. I called my mom back and learned that Molly had been lying around and not acting like herself for a few days. She also hadn't been eating. There are many aspects of Molly's death that upset me greatly. She was an outside dog, so I know that she didn't have the happiest life that she could've had. She was alone most of the time, and she died alone, too. She didn't get to have puppies during her life, and one of her only friends was Nick, our dog that sadly passed away 4 years ago. One of the saddest things is that I didn't even know that Molly was sick, and my family is very uncertain as to what caused her to become ill and die. I stayed in my room and grieved all evening.
I eventually got a phone call from my sister Shannon who did not know about Molly. When Shannon greeted me on the phone, her first words were, "It's Viola, isn't it?" I had to sadly inform her that she was wrong... We are still shocked beyond belief and cannot grasp the fact that our only dog is gone.
I told Shannon that she should call my parents and comfort them. She did. She called me back at 11:00 p.m. to tell me that Viola had just passed away within the hour. My parents sat with Viola as she died. They pet her and attempted to comfort her cries of pain. She stretched out her paws as if she was just waking up from a nap, and then she passed. Two of my beloved family pets. Gone in one day.
As I write this, I am crying again. My face is swollen from crying for seven hours yesterday. My eyes can barely open. I listened to an Elton John song, "Skyline Pigeon" while trying to fall asleep Monday night, and I cried myself into slumber. I stayed in bed for 10 hours. I didn't go to lunch. I don't feel like doing anything. I wish I would've gotten to say goodbye to Molly and Viola.
Being in college is a very difficult thing. You are distanced from your loved ones and all familiarity. For me it is quite difficult because I live three hours away from my home. I now have a car at school, but the trek home is so lengthy and labor-intensive that I cannot just make it on a whim whenever something back home goes awry. I don't think that certain people understand that college, unlike work, is never-ending. The homework that you complete at the end of each day does not bring any sense of finality. You cannot "call off" school. I cannot just go up to my professors, who are like strangers, and tell them that I am going through a difficult time and need a few days to recuperate. I have four hours of class every day (except Friday, the day of rest), and at least three to four hours of work/preparatory reading every night. Every week brings more and more responsibility, and because I am here on my own dollar, I try to fulfill my responsibilities as best as possible. Last night I tried to work my way through some philosophy and some history... but as you can imagine, I was pretty unsuccessful.
If you have never experienced the love of a family pet, I feel sorry for you. I feel that everyone should know the love of an animal. If you have not been entitled to that, it isn't fair. I have been surrounded by family pets my entire life. I've always had kitties and doggies to keep me company when I've needed it. I've raised and cared for so many animals throughout the years... when one of them passes, especially after being in my life for half or more than half of my existence, it's more than difficult. It's a family member. It's a loved one. It's a friend.
I feel so much grief and shock. I feel guilt for not being there for Molly and Viola and for not showing them the best lives possible. I want to see them again to hold them and tell them how much I love them, just so they know... and I want to tell Molly that I'm so, so sorry.
I do not care how miniscule or petty my grief seems to any random on-looker. I am an emotional person by nature. I am going to need some time to deal with my emotions in this circumstance. Don't expect me to liven right back up and go about my life as if nothing has happened. It's not going to happen like that.
In conclusion, I love both Molly and Viola, and I am very sad that they are both gone now. I said goodbye to them, as I did all of my pets, a month ago when I was leaving to return to college. I would have never guessed that that was the last time I was going to see them. For that, I am greatly sorry. This song is a small dedication to them and a small sentiment to give me some sunshine and some hope.
Turn me loose from your hands
Let me fly to distant lands
Over green fields, trees and mountains
Flowers and forest fountains
Home along the lanes of the skyway
For this dark and lonely room
Projects a shadow cast in gloom
And my eyes are mirrors
Of the world outside
Thinking of the way
That the wind can turn the tide
And these shadows turn
From purple into grey
For just a skyline pigeon
Dreaming of the open
Waiting for the day
He can spread his wings
And fly away again
Fly away skyline pigeon fly
Towards the dreams
You've left so very far behind
Just let me wake up in the morning
To the smell of new mown hay
To laugh and cry, to live and die
In the brightness of my day
I want to hear the pealing bells
Of distant churches sing
But most of all please free me
From this aching metal ring
And open out this cage towards the sun
My cats have been ill for some time. I had four cats: Sebastian, Kiefer, Tyler, and Viola. Sebastian is 7, Kiefer is 4, Tyler is 13, and Viola was 14. They all have had fleas for a few months now, and my parents have not been so adamant about solving the problem. Tyler and Viola were most affected by the fleas because they are both long-haired Persians; they began losing weight, and a week ago, Viola stopped eating and started hiding under my bed. Then she started having kidney problems. For awhile, she was better. My parents took her to the vet and gave her antibiotics on a daily basis. When my mom called for her weekly checking-up-on-me on Saturday, she informed me that Viola was not doing well at all. Ever since, I have been preparing myself for the call that would inform me of her sad and unfortunate passing.
Monday in history class, I thought that call came. I was watching a film in class when my phone rang. It was my mom, and she never calls during the week unless it's bad news. I immediately left the classroom and listened to the voice mail that she left me. She sadly informed me that Molly, our family dog of 10 years, died suddenly yesterday afternoon. I was shocked. I still am shocked. It doesn't feel real. And of course, it doesn't feel good. I called my mom back and learned that Molly had been lying around and not acting like herself for a few days. She also hadn't been eating. There are many aspects of Molly's death that upset me greatly. She was an outside dog, so I know that she didn't have the happiest life that she could've had. She was alone most of the time, and she died alone, too. She didn't get to have puppies during her life, and one of her only friends was Nick, our dog that sadly passed away 4 years ago. One of the saddest things is that I didn't even know that Molly was sick, and my family is very uncertain as to what caused her to become ill and die. I stayed in my room and grieved all evening.
I eventually got a phone call from my sister Shannon who did not know about Molly. When Shannon greeted me on the phone, her first words were, "It's Viola, isn't it?" I had to sadly inform her that she was wrong... We are still shocked beyond belief and cannot grasp the fact that our only dog is gone.
I told Shannon that she should call my parents and comfort them. She did. She called me back at 11:00 p.m. to tell me that Viola had just passed away within the hour. My parents sat with Viola as she died. They pet her and attempted to comfort her cries of pain. She stretched out her paws as if she was just waking up from a nap, and then she passed. Two of my beloved family pets. Gone in one day.
As I write this, I am crying again. My face is swollen from crying for seven hours yesterday. My eyes can barely open. I listened to an Elton John song, "Skyline Pigeon" while trying to fall asleep Monday night, and I cried myself into slumber. I stayed in bed for 10 hours. I didn't go to lunch. I don't feel like doing anything. I wish I would've gotten to say goodbye to Molly and Viola.
Being in college is a very difficult thing. You are distanced from your loved ones and all familiarity. For me it is quite difficult because I live three hours away from my home. I now have a car at school, but the trek home is so lengthy and labor-intensive that I cannot just make it on a whim whenever something back home goes awry. I don't think that certain people understand that college, unlike work, is never-ending. The homework that you complete at the end of each day does not bring any sense of finality. You cannot "call off" school. I cannot just go up to my professors, who are like strangers, and tell them that I am going through a difficult time and need a few days to recuperate. I have four hours of class every day (except Friday, the day of rest), and at least three to four hours of work/preparatory reading every night. Every week brings more and more responsibility, and because I am here on my own dollar, I try to fulfill my responsibilities as best as possible. Last night I tried to work my way through some philosophy and some history... but as you can imagine, I was pretty unsuccessful.
If you have never experienced the love of a family pet, I feel sorry for you. I feel that everyone should know the love of an animal. If you have not been entitled to that, it isn't fair. I have been surrounded by family pets my entire life. I've always had kitties and doggies to keep me company when I've needed it. I've raised and cared for so many animals throughout the years... when one of them passes, especially after being in my life for half or more than half of my existence, it's more than difficult. It's a family member. It's a loved one. It's a friend.
I feel so much grief and shock. I feel guilt for not being there for Molly and Viola and for not showing them the best lives possible. I want to see them again to hold them and tell them how much I love them, just so they know... and I want to tell Molly that I'm so, so sorry.
I do not care how miniscule or petty my grief seems to any random on-looker. I am an emotional person by nature. I am going to need some time to deal with my emotions in this circumstance. Don't expect me to liven right back up and go about my life as if nothing has happened. It's not going to happen like that.
In conclusion, I love both Molly and Viola, and I am very sad that they are both gone now. I said goodbye to them, as I did all of my pets, a month ago when I was leaving to return to college. I would have never guessed that that was the last time I was going to see them. For that, I am greatly sorry. This song is a small dedication to them and a small sentiment to give me some sunshine and some hope.
Turn me loose from your hands
Let me fly to distant lands
Over green fields, trees and mountains
Flowers and forest fountains
Home along the lanes of the skyway
For this dark and lonely room
Projects a shadow cast in gloom
And my eyes are mirrors
Of the world outside
Thinking of the way
That the wind can turn the tide
And these shadows turn
From purple into grey
For just a skyline pigeon
Dreaming of the open
Waiting for the day
He can spread his wings
And fly away again
Fly away skyline pigeon fly
Towards the dreams
You've left so very far behind
Just let me wake up in the morning
To the smell of new mown hay
To laugh and cry, to live and die
In the brightness of my day
I want to hear the pealing bells
Of distant churches sing
But most of all please free me
From this aching metal ring
And open out this cage towards the sun
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
On a happier note, I am definitely interested in shooting with you in the spring. I'm definitely willing to wait! I'll be looking forward to it!