It's Wednesday morning of my final week at OU as a freshman. (However, technically, I was a sophomore last quarter... yes, I know... I am amazing like that). It is a bittersweet feeling, I suppose. I have learned quite a bit, mostly about myself, in the short time I've been here so far. I feel almost completely different about myself and my life than I did a year ago today.
I wish I could feel a little more grown up; however, my car situation right now is not promising, and the sad fact is that I am still uncomfortably dependent because of it. The Cougar had its final day last summer, and now it's an inanimate automobile that resides, and has resided since last August, in my driveway. (Of course my dad has no logical reason for keeping it there.) I need to purchase a car immediately or obtain a loan for a used, reasonably-priced-but-dependable automobile. I desperately want to be able to take this vehicle to college with me next year so that I may come and go as I please. So that I may function as a normal adult. So that I am not needy in anyone's eyes. That isn't my true nature, anyway.
Above all and everything else in-between, I do truly miss my sister. It has been hard only seeing her a few times this entire year, but I suppose that's what happens when siblings start to grow up and lead lives of their own. I dream about our old house every week, and I just can't seem to relinquish the past. My past and our past. I suppose I am beginning to realize how gleefully adventurous my childhood was with Shannon, and I become so nostalgic all of the time. Our vivid imaginations contented us for hours on end, and that's all we needed. We didn't need constant affection or attention to feel important. We didn't need phone calls or romance to feel true love. We spent all day acting out fake movies as fake actors while listening to alternative rock radio stations. In the evenings, we'd eat plate-sized pancakes with dad and watch cartoons or the X-Files. We used to argue about who had to take their evening bath first because Shannon always took so damn long. Life was so good, it makes me want to cry.
My grandma drove past our old house the other day. Another family is living there now. She saw two young boys playing on the front porch. That makes me happy.
Sigh.
I suppose my point is that despite my learnings and my personal growth, I feel so... displaced. I don't really have a sense of home anymore, and my family is not as strong, either. I have a difficult time determining who my true friends are -- who truly cares about me and who is just there out of convenience and need. Need more so on my part. I am going home in a few days. The house will be empty except for me most of the time... my dad works days and my mom works nights. I will be working a bit myself. Will I be happy, or will I dig myself into this terrible hole of loneliness, self-doubt, and deprecation? I'm worried. I'm worried about myself.
Something I'm noticing about myself is that I am constantly in search of affirmation of everything, and it's so exhausting. I've spent the past two weeks exhausted, physically ill, and emotionally numb for this very reason. I just hope I've gotten somewhere. I want to make a difference, and I want to matter. I don't want routine to make my life monotonous and zestless. I don't want to believe for anyone, including myself, that it's all so meaningless.
I wish I could feel a little more grown up; however, my car situation right now is not promising, and the sad fact is that I am still uncomfortably dependent because of it. The Cougar had its final day last summer, and now it's an inanimate automobile that resides, and has resided since last August, in my driveway. (Of course my dad has no logical reason for keeping it there.) I need to purchase a car immediately or obtain a loan for a used, reasonably-priced-but-dependable automobile. I desperately want to be able to take this vehicle to college with me next year so that I may come and go as I please. So that I may function as a normal adult. So that I am not needy in anyone's eyes. That isn't my true nature, anyway.
Above all and everything else in-between, I do truly miss my sister. It has been hard only seeing her a few times this entire year, but I suppose that's what happens when siblings start to grow up and lead lives of their own. I dream about our old house every week, and I just can't seem to relinquish the past. My past and our past. I suppose I am beginning to realize how gleefully adventurous my childhood was with Shannon, and I become so nostalgic all of the time. Our vivid imaginations contented us for hours on end, and that's all we needed. We didn't need constant affection or attention to feel important. We didn't need phone calls or romance to feel true love. We spent all day acting out fake movies as fake actors while listening to alternative rock radio stations. In the evenings, we'd eat plate-sized pancakes with dad and watch cartoons or the X-Files. We used to argue about who had to take their evening bath first because Shannon always took so damn long. Life was so good, it makes me want to cry.
My grandma drove past our old house the other day. Another family is living there now. She saw two young boys playing on the front porch. That makes me happy.
Sigh.
I suppose my point is that despite my learnings and my personal growth, I feel so... displaced. I don't really have a sense of home anymore, and my family is not as strong, either. I have a difficult time determining who my true friends are -- who truly cares about me and who is just there out of convenience and need. Need more so on my part. I am going home in a few days. The house will be empty except for me most of the time... my dad works days and my mom works nights. I will be working a bit myself. Will I be happy, or will I dig myself into this terrible hole of loneliness, self-doubt, and deprecation? I'm worried. I'm worried about myself.
Something I'm noticing about myself is that I am constantly in search of affirmation of everything, and it's so exhausting. I've spent the past two weeks exhausted, physically ill, and emotionally numb for this very reason. I just hope I've gotten somewhere. I want to make a difference, and I want to matter. I don't want routine to make my life monotonous and zestless. I don't want to believe for anyone, including myself, that it's all so meaningless.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
fenchurch:
Well I still listen to your mix CD so there!
jesbian:
So, I finally joined and was able to go back and read all of the blogs I couldn't read before and look at the pictures I couldn't see prior to my membership. I must say, I got all kinds of teary-eyed looking at the old photos of us. We were/are cool kids. Also, the pictures have inspired me to start eating better and sort of "restoring" my appearance. I feel like I haven't been me lately. I have a lot less color, if you will. I've missed you more than you know. I feel a lot more like me when you're around. <3