kelland

Where did the romance go?

Political Science 150 is over. Over, I say. I know that I missed three questions on the final test. I mixed Croatia and Serbia up on the map. Fucking map. Fuck that class. My teacher, the lovely Myra Waterbury with her tacky boot-like shoes and her HIGH WATER PANTS pretty much flat-out disagreed with one meager comment I made the other day in class. I made this comment for several reasons: A) I participate(d) very little in the class of 150 students, and B) I actually had something to say for a change. She simply asked the class to shed some light on what WE might do to change America's current situation, whether it be economically, diplomatically, etc. One guy commented that he would begin by legalizing gay marriage. Everyone knows that I am super-liberal, and that I am pro-gay, yada yada. I even explained this while stating my opinion. This, in a nutshell, is what I said: "I think that our emphasis on quote, "moral issues," should be re-directed in this country. It is a MORAL issue when we stand by and watch the entire continent of Africa fall to the AIDS epidemic; we do very little for this situation. Instead, we focus on matters like gay marriage. No one is going to die if we do/don't allow gay marriage in our country. It will not wipe out an entire continent." My teacher then proceeded to "play Devil's advocate," saying that many Americans feel that gay marriage is very important to the moral fiber of our country. Myra, I fucking know that. I'm saying there are other, more important, life-threatening issues that no one puts on the agenda, while issues like gay marriage decide an entire fucking election. Then, the gay marriage guy piped-up again: "It is VERY important to focus on gay marriage in this country; it's an issue of civil rights." Um, buddy... I don't think you're really listening to me. I retorted: "I am not saying gay marriage isn't important. It is. I am pro-gay rights. (I should have said, 'I'm just as liberal as you, so stop preaching to the choir, asshole.') I believe it IS an issue of civil rights, but no one is really presenting it as such right now. In our country, this issue is discussed on almost a purely religious basis, as is abortion; we need a strong group to present this as an issue of human rights and not an issue of religion. (Religion can be debated all day long and it is subjective. Basic human rights? Not so much.) There is nothing wrong with religion, but I don't think one should build their politics around it." Then Myra pretty much disagreed with me again. She said she was just disagreeing to "play the Devil's advocate," but SHIT. She wasn't doing that to anyone else. Fucking AIDS, people. Wake up and smell the fucking coffee. Weather you do/don't agree with gay marriage or gay rights, whatever decision is made on this issue will not wipe out an entire population. Poverty is discussed a million times more in the Bible than homosexuality is, but did George W. Bush win the 2004 election by preaching against it? No. Don't argue with me on this anymore. Mmmk. In conclusion, the class sucked, the students sucked, and the teacher sucked.

In other news, I have a very difficult Philosophy 120 test in about 3 hours. Eep. Then I have a comprehensive final on Tuesday. I think it's a little cruel to administer the most difficult test of the quarter four days before the final exam in the class, but maybe that's just me.

Additionally, I have two photography projects due on Monday, and I also have my final in that class on that day. One of the projects is a slideshow of our long-term projects (mine was fashion) with music, and the other is just a simple CDROM portfolio of our best work from the quarter. I also have my Visual Communication final on Monday. Monday Monday Monday.

Then I'm done. Spring break awaits me.

I am frustrated for a number of reasons with my personal life right now.

My parents are idling, making no progress on pertinent issues. In four months, we are suppose to buy the house in which we currently reside. We were able to secure the house last July by signing a "rent-to-own" contract. That essentially means that we made a down payment on the house last July, and began paying (and continue to pay) monthly payments, or "rent," on the house. At the end of one year, we OWN the house by paying the remaining balance on the total cost of the house. In July, we will not have enough money to pay this balance... not even close. My dad has not been to work since September because he has been sick/apathetic and lazy. I am so frustrated and worried and upset about the entire situation. I do not want to move again. Moving the first time was a very emotional and difficult time for me, and I am only now adjusted to my new house. I like our house. I like everything about it. Just thinking about packing up and leaving in the summer makes my heart and stomach wrench simultaneously.

I have a feeling that I'll be, in some form or another, burdened by financial woes my entire life. It's all I've ever known. I can only try to prevent this from happening by working hard and investing in my education while I'm young and futile. Sigh.

I find myself having a lot of those "what does it all mean?" moments lately. I am feeling very doubtful of the progress I've made or the progress I will potentially make in the future. I doubt my major. I doubt my choice of college. I doubt the stability of my friendships or my family. I just want to feel right about my life and where I currently stand, but it's difficult because I am so painfully insecure. I want to learn how to be different.

My roommate's aunt suddenly died a few days ago. She was only 42, and she collapsed on the front porch Tuesday morning after taking her daughters to school. My roommate has been grieving ever since. They were very close to one another. I feel terrible for her. I cannot imagine her pain. She has been so strong, though. She goes to class everyday, goes to meals, attends functions, and gets all of her homework done... I don't know how she does it. If I have learned anything about myself, it's that I let grief envelope my life; I do not deal well with heartache. I cannot function. When I'm upset, I put everything else on the backburner. This is another reason I want to learn how to be different.

And my final thought for today comes from the question posed at the beginning of this blog. Do you ever have moments in your life when there appears to be no spark... no music, no color, no romance? I feel like that now. I want the feeling to come back. My spirit is numb.