kelland

I am ready to go home. I am exhausted of school right now. I envy those who are able to go out every other night with friends to relax and have a laugh. Since I've been in college, there has not been one day that has passed without the appearance of an extensive to-do list on the top of my desk. I make to-do lists every day, and they usually contain no less than 10 items, 99% of which pertain to schoolwork/school-related endeavors. Every once and awhile there's a "take out the trash," or "e-mail ____." Am I doing something wrong? Other students do not seem to be as overwhelmed as I. Perhaps they are not completing all of their work. Perhaps they are neglecting to complete work on-time or in an efficient manner. Perhaps they are not reading the assigned chapters every night or trying their best to produce quality images for weekly photography assignments.

I am creatively and mentally strained, and I think it's safe to say that my body is not in tip-top condition. I get headaches daily and have extreme difficulty sleeping at night. As a result, I stay up late, feel exhausted the next day, and try to nap after class. These naps are usually accompanied by anxiety-ridden dreams and at times nightmares. I've never had so many bad dreams as I do now. Sometimes I feel as though I have nowhere to turn. Who do I call? Where do I run? In a school of almost 20,000 strangers, isolation is a prevalent feeling. Yes, I have friends. I have chummy friendly pals whom I enjoy. I have distant friends and loved ones that can be contacted via phone or Internet, but sometimes there's just no substitution for a real hug or a kiss on the cheek to let me know that I am okay.

I miss my daddy chasing me upstairs every night before bed time. Once in bed, he would proceed to tickle me fiercely, and I would scream and cry and laugh. I miss my grandma singing "Jesus Loves Me" to me and my sister right before leading us into our nightly prayers. I miss staying up late to watch Conan O'Brien and drink hot tea with Shannon during Christmas breaks. There is no love like family love. I am entirely convinced.

I miss lying next to someone I love late at night, whispering in the dark, nothing to fear and nothing more for which we could hope. In the morning, I wake up to a drowsy good morning kiss.

These comforts are not available to me when I need them.

Do not let my melancholy deceive you. College is wonderful, and I am enthralled with the opportunity it has given me. I feel as though I've grown more and learned more in the mere three months I've been here than I have in the past three years of my life. I feel more independent and solid and focused. I am a new person with new perspectives and a new skin. I hope you like it.

But late at night, I'm lonely. And I cry in the absence of my father's hugs and my grandma's words of wisdom and the companionship of my sister. And, of course, the weekend is never enough time to feel wanted, loved, accepted, and appreciated by another human being. The weekend is not enough time.

The night seems so long.