kelland

I looked out the window and I chewed on my thumbnail and I felt obligated and ragged... and I thought about something I really wanted to write down. I didn't quite arrive at something concrete. It goes something like this. It's a letter. An explanation. An apology. I don't know you.

I sometimes wonder why, once upon a time, I was prompted to cut off all of my beautiful hair. Why I stopped wearing more feminine clothing and dressing up my face and hands. Now... why do I make an occasion out of sitting on the bathroom floor to stare at my body in the mirror and find fault with it? What was wrong with being unconditionally nice? At some point, I acquired a hard exterior. I was an innocent, sweet girl. I have become so bitter and so completely fucking clueless. I used to confidently defend my beliefs and my attributes. I have no idea what I believe anymore. And you can disagree to any extent you see fit, but I see my changes. I am completely aware of how I was and how I am.

I am a music supporter and a hopeful photographer and a liberal and a vegetarian and a zero-tolerance-super hero and I have no idea what any of that means to me anymore. I'm sure everything I've become had some sort of initial, passion-driven reasoning behind it. I don't even care. I have no passion. I'm just fashioning my ideals and hoping, merely hoping, that they still carry their own weight, because I certainly don't have the strength to defend my virtues anymore.

Granted, I am not a terrible person who has made terrible choices. I have worked strenuously. I have tried to avoid apathy and laziness; I have not returned their phone calls. I have tried to remain supportive, and obedience and I get along nicely. However, I have neglected my family, my grandparents and my sister especially, and I have downplayed my friends. Likewise, I have invested too much emotion into relationships that only stay alive because I unhealthily insist. But then again, I am what some may call "the cause of all of my problems."

I do not understand personal compromise, and I do not know how to remain content with myself for any extended amount of time. At the end of the day, I am doubtful of myself and my abilities to succeed, to love, and to make other people, including myself, happy.

At least I have retained my honesty. But honesty hasn't gotten me anywhere. I was honest enough to come here and write this, but in the morning, I've still got my feet glued to the carpet.
In other news.

This weekend Shannon moved back to school. I didn't really devote appropriate time to saying goodbye, and I regret that. I spent the weekend with Dan and his friends. Naturally, I was happy to do so, but I had an obvious chip on my shoulder the entire weekend, and I am sorry for that. I just have been thinking about pretty much everything outlined in the earlier part of this blog. I am paranoid, and I need to get over it.

Needless to say, this sudden wave of moodiness is probably a blatant indicator that I am indeed a woman and pretty soon I'll be suffering the monthly consequences. My skin is shit, I feel incredibly ugly, and I am prompted to cry during every sad song. There you have it.

Additionally, I am beginning to face some finalities, like working at Baker's, seeing certain friends, being at home, spending practically every evening with Dan, shooting the shit with Shannon, playing with my cats... in a few days, a temporary pause. Everything pauses. I will miss the simple things, and even the shitty things. And I have a feeling I will be dealing with an unfamiliar isolation, but it's probably for the best.

To close, I love you.

And I miss Meeko very much so.

Goodnight.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I dont know where I am
I dont know where Ive been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought Id let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said this is the first day of my life
Im glad I didnt die before I met you
But now I dont care, I could go anywhere with you
And Id probably be happy

So if you want to be with me
With these things theres no telling
We just have to wait and see
But Id rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me