I function better.
Numb again. Table for me. Today was Jessica's 18th birthday. A mutual friend, Cati, threw Jessica a party in Cati's boyfriend's apartment, and lots of people came. Kevin and I and maybe three others were the only non-drinkers. I left early. I expected to leave early. Not because I don't love Jessica. I do love her. I love her. But I don't love alcohol. It makes me uncomfortable. Can I explain this in a way that you can understand? No. Can I justify my feelings into something concrete? No. Do I hate you just because you drink? Certainly not. I do not judge drinkers. I don't hate them. I don't chastise them. I let them do what they want. Drink all you want. Just don't make me uncomfortable because I don't drink. Don't call me a prude. Don't think that I misunderstand the concept of fun. Don't think that I need to be drunk in order to understand why people do it. I understand more than the person drinking. /End.
It's time for me to look to the future for change. I need change, and I crave it. I feel bitter because I am stagnant. I feel unhappy because I am still here. Still stuck. My situation has not changed yet. I have a place to go, but I can't go there yet. I want a change of scenery and lighting and costumes and make-up and... it will all come in due time. I want to relinquish this stale emptiness that I possess. Sometimes it excites me. It enthralls me. At the same time, it frightens me. /End.
I do not understand my standards.
Unity is based on one's ability to forgive.
I function better... with the sun in my eyes.
Mere made me upset tonight. I know she didn't want to make me upset. It just sort of happened that way. And it's stupid, because it's over a guy. A guy that is fucked-up. I should not even fucking devote another second to this. You know who he is, so I'm not going to spill his name as I already have so many times in this journal. I have exploited many people through this journal, and sometimes, right now anyways, I am not particularly proud of it. No. But I digress. Apparently he wanted her to have a good Valentine's Day. He told her so. He told her he hoped that she wouldn't spend it alone. He told her that they should get together and talk. He has contacted her on his own. I'm so glad that he cared about what I wrote to him enough to say the same to me, or even say hello, or wait. To completely avoid contacting me, as he has. Yes. I like Mere. But Mere didn't offer to help you, and I did. Sorry that she's more attractive, more attractive company, more attractive than any form of compassion or a helping hand. That's basically it. /End.
I've been listening to Massive Attack a lot lately thanks to painbearer. It's dark and trippy and appropriate when you're trying to drift away from something that's bothering you. Not saying that I have a "something." Am I bothered frequently? Some may agree. I think that I think too much. That's what's bothersome.
Does anyone actually like the book Wuthering Heights? I might like it. But I convinced myself before I even began reading it for my English class that no, I would not enjoy it. I convinced myself and I fucked myself over because I have to read nine chapters tomorrow and I do not want to at all.
I feel like we're friends again. I can revisit the summertime and not feel pain, and no one can ever know how much that means to me. I can look at a person and not feel completely removed. I can speak to that person and mean every word that I say. I know that we were not friends for a long time, and it was unpleasant on so many levels. But this is a person that I love. I don't care what I look like, even if I look like hypocrite, even if I look like a weak push-over. I am going to stick by him this time, and I will defend him -- yes. I am facing the adversity, and I just don't give a fuck anymore. Anger is so completely useless in my life. /End.
Damein and I decided we are going to prom together this year.
There is a knot of words that needs to be committed to paper. I just don't feel the energy right now. Not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow night. And I know that I owe it to my readers to share some of the fun DECA pictures, some of the fun Damein pictures... some of ANY of the pictures I am too lazy to post and keep mentioning regardless. I will post them when the fun mood strikes. I promise. Until then, there's just this knot. I would also summarize this past week, but when I try to think of something to say, I come up with blankness. Tomorrow I am getting some tattoos. Then hopefully I will read and feel like I've accomplished something. Then hopefully Damein and I can have coffee and talk and I will brighten up. /End.
Numb again. Table for me. Today was Jessica's 18th birthday. A mutual friend, Cati, threw Jessica a party in Cati's boyfriend's apartment, and lots of people came. Kevin and I and maybe three others were the only non-drinkers. I left early. I expected to leave early. Not because I don't love Jessica. I do love her. I love her. But I don't love alcohol. It makes me uncomfortable. Can I explain this in a way that you can understand? No. Can I justify my feelings into something concrete? No. Do I hate you just because you drink? Certainly not. I do not judge drinkers. I don't hate them. I don't chastise them. I let them do what they want. Drink all you want. Just don't make me uncomfortable because I don't drink. Don't call me a prude. Don't think that I misunderstand the concept of fun. Don't think that I need to be drunk in order to understand why people do it. I understand more than the person drinking. /End.
It's time for me to look to the future for change. I need change, and I crave it. I feel bitter because I am stagnant. I feel unhappy because I am still here. Still stuck. My situation has not changed yet. I have a place to go, but I can't go there yet. I want a change of scenery and lighting and costumes and make-up and... it will all come in due time. I want to relinquish this stale emptiness that I possess. Sometimes it excites me. It enthralls me. At the same time, it frightens me. /End.
I do not understand my standards.
Unity is based on one's ability to forgive.
I function better... with the sun in my eyes.
Mere made me upset tonight. I know she didn't want to make me upset. It just sort of happened that way. And it's stupid, because it's over a guy. A guy that is fucked-up. I should not even fucking devote another second to this. You know who he is, so I'm not going to spill his name as I already have so many times in this journal. I have exploited many people through this journal, and sometimes, right now anyways, I am not particularly proud of it. No. But I digress. Apparently he wanted her to have a good Valentine's Day. He told her so. He told her he hoped that she wouldn't spend it alone. He told her that they should get together and talk. He has contacted her on his own. I'm so glad that he cared about what I wrote to him enough to say the same to me, or even say hello, or wait. To completely avoid contacting me, as he has. Yes. I like Mere. But Mere didn't offer to help you, and I did. Sorry that she's more attractive, more attractive company, more attractive than any form of compassion or a helping hand. That's basically it. /End.
I've been listening to Massive Attack a lot lately thanks to painbearer. It's dark and trippy and appropriate when you're trying to drift away from something that's bothering you. Not saying that I have a "something." Am I bothered frequently? Some may agree. I think that I think too much. That's what's bothersome.
Does anyone actually like the book Wuthering Heights? I might like it. But I convinced myself before I even began reading it for my English class that no, I would not enjoy it. I convinced myself and I fucked myself over because I have to read nine chapters tomorrow and I do not want to at all.
I feel like we're friends again. I can revisit the summertime and not feel pain, and no one can ever know how much that means to me. I can look at a person and not feel completely removed. I can speak to that person and mean every word that I say. I know that we were not friends for a long time, and it was unpleasant on so many levels. But this is a person that I love. I don't care what I look like, even if I look like hypocrite, even if I look like a weak push-over. I am going to stick by him this time, and I will defend him -- yes. I am facing the adversity, and I just don't give a fuck anymore. Anger is so completely useless in my life. /End.
Damein and I decided we are going to prom together this year.
There is a knot of words that needs to be committed to paper. I just don't feel the energy right now. Not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow night. And I know that I owe it to my readers to share some of the fun DECA pictures, some of the fun Damein pictures... some of ANY of the pictures I am too lazy to post and keep mentioning regardless. I will post them when the fun mood strikes. I promise. Until then, there's just this knot. I would also summarize this past week, but when I try to think of something to say, I come up with blankness. Tomorrow I am getting some tattoos. Then hopefully I will read and feel like I've accomplished something. Then hopefully Damein and I can have coffee and talk and I will brighten up. /End.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
but wow youre life has been eventful lately as has been mine but im in a different way. namely issues i was supposed to have addressed already are biting me badly right now.