kayblaino

I am hat the word Love means nothing today. I'm not nessisarily talking about hearing it form like a girlfriend, but more from a parent, someone who made you, who is there to give you the world. Well basically I was informed through email today that I am notthing I was expedted to be and pretty much the last year or so I have totally fucked up. Nice, great to hear. Well my self image just went down lower than I ever thought it could. This is the only parent I get along with and now I was told that I'm a fuckup. Wow life is great. Just because I have one bad fucking semester in school and did not do so great all of these negative feelings come out.
SOrry, yes I didn't do well this semester, yes I missed a lot of classes, no I didnt have a good attitude about school, but thats one semester, before that I was getting great grades and was enjoying it. Everyone has times of doubt, times of weakness... I know that no one probably not anything that anyone who knows me has seen from me, but guess what, after tring to do 18 credits and working over 40 hours a week, I think that I do have a slight reason for not being all that great. Yeah I would love to come from a fucking family that has all the money in the world so I don't need to have a job in college, but the truth is I don't. Granted my father could, but he is too envolved with his new family that really I don't even exist to him. Yeop the last time I saw any actuall money from him was over a year ago, but I really don't fucking care because I don't need it.
This all happens this weekend which is great, I'm transitioning jobs which if that isn't stressful enough, I was supposed to get my tax return and found out they sent it to the wrong bank account. I was really counting on that money for some things and now, I"m sure I will be waiting a good long time to get that mess all straight.
I was so frustrated and mad earlier that I couldn't do anything, for fuck sake I couldn't cry. and I don't do that hardly ever to beign with, so when I cant do it, something is fucked up.
Went to school my instructor is hillaryass, plus I will be getting my laptop as soon as I can make it up to school agian (monday) So that is also a really good thing.

*******
In other news. I have stopped all together looking for any sort of love in my peers. I have friends who I am close with, but no femals that I can actually persue... or want to at least. It would be nice to have someone there to lie and just talk with, but I don't and for some reallyt strange reason I am ok with that. I would love some body to love... but for some reason that doesn't seem like something that is attible at the moment. I love feeling inadequate, probably the best feeling in the world....
I talked to my friend last night until about 4:00 thismorning. That was so unbeliveably great. Nope we really didn't talk about anything importiant or special, but we connected. We were able to just sit up and talk about anything. I had to let her go because it was getting so late and I could tell she was getting tired. She will be moving up here soon and we have talked about getting together and I have a feelign that will prolly happen, but I still have a fear that I will once again not be the top on her list and she will find someone better at college, that would only be like the 2nd time for me. maybe that seeds to my hate of college... and frat houses. also I think it probably contributes to how much I really don't care about a girlfriend becuase fuckin if so many of them just want a good looking rich kid then I really don't give a shit, even if I was rich I probably wouldn't advertize it because I have standards (something that is lackining today) and I actually want people to see me for me, not just hte stuff I own.
I almost want to bakc up a few bags and move my ass to germany. I could stay with my grandma and uncle and start over agian. maybe because of the socialistic society people are more well balanced with morals and such, maybe they actually know what is importiant - the person, not the things they have.
Fuckitall.

I'm out

~Blaine

I know I'm complex, no I won't apologize for that.