OMG it's Christmas eve tomorrow!! Crazy doesn't seem like it.
Old Man
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Men are Like
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you
2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Wrong Number
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?'*
*No said the little girl**
**I think I have the wrong number.......*
**click**
Old Man
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Men are Like
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
Wrong Number
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?'*
*No said the little girl**
**I think I have the wrong number.......*
**click**
big_boy:
who is that bobby lee
rainbow:
Your second comment didn't have anything in it. Or at least I couldn't see it. :[