katesmash

Really behind in school work.
Really behind in school work.
Really behind in school work.

And this kid from myspace I hung out with the other night... is fucking annoying.

I think he was trying to text me that we had some sort of connection. If he does end up saying something like that to any degree... its goodbye, mister. That's so creepy. I mean, I've only hung out with the kid twice. I couldn't even remember his name when trying to introduce him to someone else. How bad is that? It's clear that I really don't want anything from you. In fact, I don't think I really even want to be friends with this kid. He seems like he has a lot of emotional baggage and right now, that's the last thing I need.

I'm starting to frazzle at the ends.
I'm going back to therapy to see some new shrink. My mother's friend who was one of the new shrink's patients says that the shrink gave her her life back. God, would I love that. I would love to be normal again, to have aspirations, and goals. And more importantly, the motivation to get there. Right now, I'm just kind of floating on Queequeg's coffin so to speak. Sorry, can't seem to get Moby Dick off of my mind.

I miss someone.
I don't know what it is about me and making the people I really like and enjoy spending time with just vanish.
Do I have like an assassin style Tyler Durden somewhere inside me that gets its rocks off by sabotaging any sort of decent change at a decent relationship I have?
First it was the Scot.
Now, it's the one who I just said I missed.

I wish one of them would come back into my life.
It would make me so happy.

I'm having such a rough go of it.
I had a breakdown the other day. In front of my mother. Of all people.
My mother and I don't really get along, and I rarely talk to her or my father.
I'm kind of secretive. But, I really just don't want to burden anyone with my emotional bullshit.
But, I'm really losing it.
I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to work.
I make myself sick to avoid these things, like physically ill from stressing about it so much.

I don't know what to do, but sit around and cry.
I get teary eyed over stupid bullshit, and I am not even remotely close to having my period.
Something is not right upstairs.
Even sleep, the one thing that used to comfort me, frightens me. I have to sleep with a nightlight now some nights when I wake up from my horrible nightmares or night terrors whatever you want to call them.

You know, it's starting to hurt seeing people hold hands and kiss and do whatever around the holidays. I'm not ready for a relationship, but I'd like to get there so I can have one, but I'm not going to rush it. I thought I was ready and when I was, it seems the men involved fucking disappear. I don't understand.

I could really, really use someone to cuddle with this month.
It's going to get really bad, and really dark for me.

<3 Kate