katerina

blogging for the second time today.

so my panic attacks are getting worse and more frequent.
i feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest.
i feel like im going to vomit everywhere.
my head is spinning.
my lungs might explode.
i cant even drink a glass of soda without getting these attacks.
fuck.
any small amount of caffeine or stress...
...and 3 minutes later,
i feel like im going to die.
i live for energy drinks.
and now i cant have them.
i need to see someone and get this taken care of.
fuck man.
this is the worst feeling ever.
i cant even calm myself down.
and i know why.
i hate not having control of my body.
and when i get a panic attack,
my control is gone.
which makes me get even more worked up...
...which makes the attack 10 times worse.
not to mention all the unneeded stress im under recently.
and the fact that i feel like a huge waste of life.
and that i havent been sleeping well.
i dont know...
everything is kinda sucking right now.
im confused about a lot of shit thats floating around in my head.
a lot of people are unconciously contributing to that confusion as well.
and im sorry if i have made any of those people feel guilty.
its not their fault.
its mine.
i think too much.
i care too much.
i fall to quickly.
i jump to conclusions.
im too sympathetic.
i worry too much.
im overly compassionate.
i wish things could just be easier..
not everything,
because that would just be silly.
but there are definitly certain situtations that i wish went smoother.
or ended happier.
or could be sped along.

...here's to all of my unhappy endings thus far.