katasune

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

It seems a little asinine to be posting this here, but I have to get this out, and I don't have anywhere else to turn right now. This is my outlet for life. An entry on a pin-up girls website on a blog that no one will ever read.

Maybe it's better that way.

I'm sitting here, 26, unemployed (again), and once again, have no direction. No idea what I'm going to do with my life. No idea where I'm going, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing... I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I just keep turning in circles. I find a direction, I go there. I try to stay there, but there's always some bullshit reason why I can't.

Again and again and again and again...

And so here I am, a week removed from losing the best job I could have ever found because of something that I will forever claim was not my fault, in a mild panic. Because all of a sudden I realize that the future is wide open. There's nothing holding me back or holding me anywhere. I could go to Austria tomorrow, and not much in my life would change other than my location.

I'm in a city where I know next to no one, losing what identity I thought I had, questioning everything I thought I knew, and everything I thought I wanted, and I have no idea where the next month will lead me. The only thing I can do is sit around in a Warcraft-induced stupor because sitting and staring at the walls is just too painful. Painful because it's all too familiar.

How many times do I have to pick up and keep going? How long is it going to take for me to finally achieve some sort of a stable life for myself? Why is it that nothing I want ever seems to work out the way I want it to? Am I really that self-destructive that I'm subconsciously doing things to sabotage my own happiness?

I'm really beginning to wonder.

What have I got left to offer? A smattering of broken relationships and a resume that paints me to be more of a vagabond than a designer and a stable human being? Everything you think should be set in motion by now... isn't. It's just all stagnant now. Nothing's moving. My motivation is dead. My desire to keep picking up the shambles of whatever dream I had at the moment is lacking.

I'm. Just. Fucking. Tired.

And everyone will say that I'm still young. That I still have a future ahead of me. But, what kind of future? Yes, there's a future there, but is it going to be hell? Is anything ever going to manifest itself into some semblance of a life? Will I ever find the right reason to keep doing this? I used to think that I was doing this for myself. But, now I don't even know. The world had lashed out at me to the point where I feel like no matter what I do, it's doomed to fail. And yes, I've heard the retort of "well, of course it is with that attitude."

You try it. Try building a life for yourself over and over again only to have the whole fucking thing come crumbling down on top of you. This sandcastle empire of mine. No solid foundation, no solid core. Nothing. Just sand. One good wave can bring it all to an end.

And it's not like it's just my life this is affecting. It's just spreading. Everyone who's ever gotten close to me has wound up worse off because of it. Because I have some destructive mechanism in me that wants to see everything burn to the ground. Just a disregard for anyone else's well being in the desperate attempt to find soem well being of my own.

I don't have anything to hold on to. There's no grip.

Just what the fuck *am* I doing with myself?

I say all of this, knowing that no one will hear it but myself. And sometimes I wondering if I'm even listening to myself. I don't know that I would. I don't know why I somehow find the misery within all the roses.

Anyway. If this brings you down, don't let it. I just need to vent and there's nothing else around me but silence.