kash

i've been really sad today
i've got almost nothing done
and i really can't stay up late at night.
So i'm highly conflicted

in the last two years i've met 3 such sweet guys
one screwed me over but now thinking bout it
i'm the screewed one
i should settle my mess and deal with my situation and not make things worse by bringing good ppl into it


So I shouldn't be sad? too late
depression is something that i've been living with
I really like the friends i've made here and in other groups and it isn't fair for me to create this fantasy world that is deluding me from things that I should attend to
its like drinking each night instead of preparing for the next day
and eachday then is weighted with what wasn't done the day before and what still needs to be done that day
so my whole life is trying to catch up
i suck
i don't want sympathy
i don't want advise
i just don't want to lead anyone on..

i also shouldn't be allowing myself into fantasies because i am unhappy with my life
i need to be happy with my life
my kids need that too


so i'm gonna try to spend less time playing or maybe only after i get a sufficient amount of work done, then i can play but as it is.. i've been playing way too much

we can still be friends or flirt.. but right now i'm am upset with myself beyond words cause of wasted time
this is not to put down on anyone else but i reallly have wasted to much life playing and deluding myself blindly seeking happiness in stupid games and not being productive and happy with me and my actual life

This isn't about me bashing anyone or the internet, it's bout me bashing me
i'm lucky that i've have such sweet friends, makes it so much clearer for me not to be such a prick