kash

the pain digs deep
deeper every day
how much can i take
i can't say

it pulls down
twist around
and when i think i'll smile
i start to frown

why do we feel pain
is there some higher meaning
did i do something in a past life
to deserve such a reaming

they say shit happens in threes
and two have come my way
i clench my teeth
as i start the day

fuck you life
fuck you in the face
i hate the pain
caused by the whole human race

is it wrong to dream
is it wrong to hope
are my standards to high
am i a dope?

but i'll fight
till the day i die
fuck you life
fuck you in the eye

So I've returned and you say 'your updating but that poem was in your last entry, why again?'

Well because you dont' know what the first to 'hurts' were and the third.. it did happen while i was on my trip.

The first, was the loss of my dear friend, Lila, may the lord bless her and keep her. It was difficult to except this vivacious, strong minded woman was not with us.

The second... well it wont surprise those of you that know me and my husband but it still really hurt. I found out that after almost a year of us being 'back' together from our seperation, he had been having an affair. He is very wrong and I am soo pissed at him and it hurts.. but before you say throw in the fucking towel already, i can't. we refinanced the houes and took $60,000 grand out to pay off bills, do home improvements, etc. So if i want to get the damn improvements on the house all done, i have to goto counseling with him and try to work for the best, for our marriage (i know what a joke - shut up already!)

BUT the worst part is the fucking cunt! i spoke to her last year, when i found the numbers of the diff. girls he dated while we were seperated and told her in no uncertain terms that he and i were getting back together to try and make things work for our kids and she was to back the fuck off from my husband. the bitch knowingly went out with a married man, knowingly took him away from me and my kids, knowing that he was lying bout what he was doing and who he was with. and after a fucking year of it, she gives him a a card that says 'happy 1st year, my man' the fucking cunt called him her man. as god as my witness, if i ever figure out what her name is and where she lives, she is gonna get worked over, the cuntface!

okay so i go on vaca, thinking number 3 bad suck ass thing, could be airplane crashes, or hubby's plane crashes but i realized no, not his... cuz i'd just be indifferent bout his death. so we enjoy our stay in fl, visiting different amusement parks. (i was a lil disappointed that my girl wouldn't meet with me but nothing... i love her so much!)

Then to mexico, where the kids great grandparents live. Everything was going okay till i sprayed 'Cutters' mesqueto repellant with Deet poison on me. your supposed to put it on your face and neck with your hands, not spray directly. okay i did this. then your supposed to clean your hands off of the poison. 'come again?' SHIT!!! no i didn't do that, i was rushing with the kids and putting it on them as well, and...damn it.

i hate some sweet bread with my hands and tasted the poison. so the next day i was sick, had a fever of 102 (which i calculated later when i got home because their thermometer was in celsius - and no one thought my temp was that high, even though i said my eyes were burning and i was cold! everyone was sweating and i'm pulling a blanket around me. stupid grrrrr)

So as my temp is rising, everyone is preparing to drive 3 hours away to some wine festival with lots a drinking. nick doesn't think the kids should go but i look at him and say 'i can't take care of them, i'm sick, will you stay?' he replies that his family that is staying will help with the kids and he goes anyway. fine, they'll help and i didn't really want him to take them, don't trust him alone with all three.

there were puppies that the kids were playing with. i thought it was okay. no one warned me that the kids were being too aggressive with the puppies, no one said the kids needed to supervised or not play with the puppies. i have never been around puppies in my life time and had no idea how fragile they were. my four year old and six year old had never been around puppies. the puppies died.

the four year old didn't want them to 'get away' so she put them in a high box with a lid and my 6 year old son tied string around their necks. i was told the string happened eariler but only after the puppies were dead did i hear bout it at all. What they did was from ignorance and my not being on top of it was because i was sick and was depending on his family to help me with the kids.

When his mother came back, mind you i've had a good relationship with her up till now, she pretended not to know anything bout it, though i knew that the group coming back had already been told. so how come she didn't know? because she wanted to hear what i had to say bout it.

then she said i didn't watch my kids, i didn't teach them respect, i was a stay at home mother with them all day, "what do you do all day? you don't watch them!" i felt horrible and of course responsible but fuck that noise! that is aload of crap for her to accuse me that way in the face of such a tradgedy. but worst of all came the next day when we came back there and i cried again and said i was so sorry. she says she didn't want to hear sorries and that my kids needed psychological help. What?

Thats right, she said my kids were malicious killers because it was all five puppies, not one but all five and there was the string. well no kidding it was all five, in their minds they were preventing all five puppies from getting out of that lil corner where they were being kept. and they had gotten out from there cuz they were not in anything that had high walls.

she is such a fucking ignorant idiot, and i hate saying it about her, but my four year old doesn't even get that they are dead! my son cried all afternoon and and the next day, and has been having bad dreams since it happened. neither of them meant to kill the dogs, what they did was to protect them, they didn't know about affixiation. they barely understand death.

so that is the third horrible thing. the puppies dying, my being called an irrisponcible parent, and my kids are malicious killers.

and fuck any of you spellcheck police, my stomach is still fucked up and i don't want to hear it.