karoshi

I finally worked it out, I think. The reason I keep repeating the same dumb shit with girls.

I am a slut.

Stay with me on this-it's good: You know the cliche about insecure women using sex to attempt to gain approval and the illusion of love? How they'll sleep with some guy way too easily and basically put herself completely at his service without asking for any sort of commitment or real relationship? Coz if she presses the issue about what she really wants, she knows she'll lose him-he's already made it clear what he wants from her, and besides, he's already gietting everything he wants, so why change?

I'm doing the same shit in a reverse fashion-I'll be the boyfriend-who-isn't-a-boyfriend, who'll do everything a proper boyfriend would, but without the commitment or real relationship (honestly, the sex is inconsequential) in an attempt to win acceptance and the illusion of Love. I'm too scared to push it, because I know full well that, when it comes down to making a choice, well, they've already made it clear that what I'm not really what they want in a man. Besides, they're allready getting what they want, so why change?

I'm not blaming anyone but myself for this. I've always known that my ideas of courtship (try to be the best possible friend you can, which is so un-sexy it's laughable) are so old-fashioned convential that they're very out of step with modernity, and I really like odd, fascinating, unpredictable, and utterly modern women. It's been suggested that I may do this out of some unconscious desire to sabotage myself, but that isn't it at all. I'm just scared of being abandoned is all...that's the long and the short of it, and so I will suffer anything to avoid giving someone a reason for leaving me.

I think, for the first time, I have a reasonably clear picture of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I hope that helps me-I've had brave starts before that have led me back here time and time again. I feel like someone who's been walking for days, wondering why he's having such trouble walking. Finally, he looks down and sees that his leg is hanging by a tendon. It's good to know what is causing the problem, but knowing what it is presents a whole new set of problems.