BLAH!!
So Saturday didn't go as well as i wanted. The dinner was excellent, i say that mostly cause I cooked it. But there was just no click. She's a great women, but I don't think there is a connection there. I might give it one more date just to be sure, she might need a little time to warm up. I don't now. But it has put me in a little slump. Which normally wouldn't be a bad thing. But I am know thinking all the dumb things i shouldn't be thinking. I guess I'm not really over her yet. I want to be. And yet I don't. I'm still searching for that one thing that will make it all work again. But there is nothing to find. She would have to be willing to talk to me. She isn't. I know this. I've seen it. And I'm afraid to go to her another time. I don't want to see that look in her eyes like she's looking at a stranger. It nearly killed me last time. Maybe i need to just do it, so I can say I tried that one last time. I just don't know what to say. I need her to prove a few things to me too. How do I get that with out making it sound like I'm attacking her? I know what I need to do to prove myself. No guarantees that it will work, but at least I know it. I also have the suspicion that the only reason I can't let go, is because I can't stand being alone. I know a lot of people would raise red flags over that statement. But I don't see it that way. I love my life in all other aspects. I have a good job, a decent car, lots of good friends, and a deep sense of who I am. I am happy in every other way. But I am caregiver at heart. I like to have the person I can do all the little things for. I like having someone to snuggle up with while we watch a movie. Or to go hand in hand with while shopping in old town. Someone to share dreams with. I like knowing that someone wants me. I know that all sounds really simple. I mean who doesn't want that. But it seems to be that's the only thing that drives me anymore. And since she was the closest I've come to that dream, I can't seem to get her out of my head. I'm willing to accept the imperfections for that dream. I think the only thing keeping me from moving on, is that I haven't moved on to anyone else. That might not make sense. Because I have no one else to place into that dream, I keep putting her back into it. And missing her all the more for it. I know she's not the one. For so many reasons. But she was important to me. It's hard for me to let go of anyone. I still miss friends I had back in junior high, people I haven't seen nor heard from in more than a decade. So someone I shared an intimate part of my life with for more than a year, becomes almost impossible.
BLAH!!!
No more duldrums. It's time to go and make something pretty. I have a present to make for a friend. That should be fun.
So Saturday didn't go as well as i wanted. The dinner was excellent, i say that mostly cause I cooked it. But there was just no click. She's a great women, but I don't think there is a connection there. I might give it one more date just to be sure, she might need a little time to warm up. I don't now. But it has put me in a little slump. Which normally wouldn't be a bad thing. But I am know thinking all the dumb things i shouldn't be thinking. I guess I'm not really over her yet. I want to be. And yet I don't. I'm still searching for that one thing that will make it all work again. But there is nothing to find. She would have to be willing to talk to me. She isn't. I know this. I've seen it. And I'm afraid to go to her another time. I don't want to see that look in her eyes like she's looking at a stranger. It nearly killed me last time. Maybe i need to just do it, so I can say I tried that one last time. I just don't know what to say. I need her to prove a few things to me too. How do I get that with out making it sound like I'm attacking her? I know what I need to do to prove myself. No guarantees that it will work, but at least I know it. I also have the suspicion that the only reason I can't let go, is because I can't stand being alone. I know a lot of people would raise red flags over that statement. But I don't see it that way. I love my life in all other aspects. I have a good job, a decent car, lots of good friends, and a deep sense of who I am. I am happy in every other way. But I am caregiver at heart. I like to have the person I can do all the little things for. I like having someone to snuggle up with while we watch a movie. Or to go hand in hand with while shopping in old town. Someone to share dreams with. I like knowing that someone wants me. I know that all sounds really simple. I mean who doesn't want that. But it seems to be that's the only thing that drives me anymore. And since she was the closest I've come to that dream, I can't seem to get her out of my head. I'm willing to accept the imperfections for that dream. I think the only thing keeping me from moving on, is that I haven't moved on to anyone else. That might not make sense. Because I have no one else to place into that dream, I keep putting her back into it. And missing her all the more for it. I know she's not the one. For so many reasons. But she was important to me. It's hard for me to let go of anyone. I still miss friends I had back in junior high, people I haven't seen nor heard from in more than a decade. So someone I shared an intimate part of my life with for more than a year, becomes almost impossible.
BLAH!!!
No more duldrums. It's time to go and make something pretty. I have a present to make for a friend. That should be fun.