Not that anyone is going to read this, but I think that might be for the best. I normally post to my LJ, but since that has too many friends that i would prefer to not read this or even catch wind of it, this is better. I could just keep a journal on my computer without posting, but i like the passive aggressive quality of posting shit on the internet where anyone can read it.
So, i just recently got dumped by girlfriend of 18 months. It sucks. It hurts. And I want it to stop. I have cried myself dry. I have cut open my arms. I have pleaded with her. I have gone at it from angle I can think of. And it still hurts. I know that these take time. Why? Because everyone tells me it does. I just want to stop feeling anything for her right now. But I can't. I love her and want to hold her tight. I am angry with and want to tell her to fuck off. I'm scared without her.
Now I won't say that I don't know what went wrong. I won't pretend that there are things i could have done differently or better. I won't ask you to take pity on me. I'll be honest, we had some problems. We had a horrible time communicating. She always had to see it from her angle. She couldn't ever see it from my side. I was horrible at telling her what I felt. I had trouble opening myself to her. We could never seem to agree on anything. But we never fought either. we would discuss things until she got tired of dealing with it though. And that's not good. Communication is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship. If you can't tell that person everything, than what's the point.
We also had opposite notions on what love is. I believe that love is unconditional. That you love someone for everything they are. You love them for their faults, not despite their faults. I honestly believed that I loved her like that. She bleived that love had to be conditional. That you had to fulfill certain things for the other on continual basis to prove that you love them. In the beginning that meant little things like taking her out and buying her flowers. Maybe even making small trinkets of affection. But as time wore on, it meant doing the big things that I didn't want to do. For example, I hate skiing. She loves it. I told her this when we started. I would be happy to go up, but that I won't ski. eventually she came to hate this. I understand why. You want to share your favorite activities with those you love. But I would have made us both miserable with it. I hate skiing. Period. So if i had gone, neither of us would have had fun. I tried to find things we both enjoyed. It was a good idea. Sadly there are not a lot of things that we both enjoy. we settled for things like hiking, or just taking a walk together. But that didn't cut it for long.
Wow, sitting here writing this, it occurs to me, that we really were all wrong for each other. We had so little common interest. And I'll be honest. Especially in the last few months, I had thought of leaving her too. But I convinced myself that I loved her enough to keep trying. That might very well have been the wrong thing to do. But i do love her. Just not enough to really change for her. I fought that the whole time. But I told myself I was changing for her. I may have but not enough and not for the right reasons.
I feel like even more of a loser now. I feel like a hypocrite.
FUCK!!! I hate this. I hate not knowing my thoughts from one moment to the next. I go from blaming her to blaming myself to hating myself to missing her to wanting to not live to wanting to live just to spite her to feeling guilty and then the cycle starts over again.
I just wish I could wipe it clean. I have no patience for healing. I just want to feel whole again. I want the missing parts of me back. If only I knew what they were.
So, i just recently got dumped by girlfriend of 18 months. It sucks. It hurts. And I want it to stop. I have cried myself dry. I have cut open my arms. I have pleaded with her. I have gone at it from angle I can think of. And it still hurts. I know that these take time. Why? Because everyone tells me it does. I just want to stop feeling anything for her right now. But I can't. I love her and want to hold her tight. I am angry with and want to tell her to fuck off. I'm scared without her.
Now I won't say that I don't know what went wrong. I won't pretend that there are things i could have done differently or better. I won't ask you to take pity on me. I'll be honest, we had some problems. We had a horrible time communicating. She always had to see it from her angle. She couldn't ever see it from my side. I was horrible at telling her what I felt. I had trouble opening myself to her. We could never seem to agree on anything. But we never fought either. we would discuss things until she got tired of dealing with it though. And that's not good. Communication is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship. If you can't tell that person everything, than what's the point.
We also had opposite notions on what love is. I believe that love is unconditional. That you love someone for everything they are. You love them for their faults, not despite their faults. I honestly believed that I loved her like that. She bleived that love had to be conditional. That you had to fulfill certain things for the other on continual basis to prove that you love them. In the beginning that meant little things like taking her out and buying her flowers. Maybe even making small trinkets of affection. But as time wore on, it meant doing the big things that I didn't want to do. For example, I hate skiing. She loves it. I told her this when we started. I would be happy to go up, but that I won't ski. eventually she came to hate this. I understand why. You want to share your favorite activities with those you love. But I would have made us both miserable with it. I hate skiing. Period. So if i had gone, neither of us would have had fun. I tried to find things we both enjoyed. It was a good idea. Sadly there are not a lot of things that we both enjoy. we settled for things like hiking, or just taking a walk together. But that didn't cut it for long.
Wow, sitting here writing this, it occurs to me, that we really were all wrong for each other. We had so little common interest. And I'll be honest. Especially in the last few months, I had thought of leaving her too. But I convinced myself that I loved her enough to keep trying. That might very well have been the wrong thing to do. But i do love her. Just not enough to really change for her. I fought that the whole time. But I told myself I was changing for her. I may have but not enough and not for the right reasons.
I feel like even more of a loser now. I feel like a hypocrite.
FUCK!!! I hate this. I hate not knowing my thoughts from one moment to the next. I go from blaming her to blaming myself to hating myself to missing her to wanting to not live to wanting to live just to spite her to feeling guilty and then the cycle starts over again.
I just wish I could wipe it clean. I have no patience for healing. I just want to feel whole again. I want the missing parts of me back. If only I knew what they were.