The past couple weeks have been weird for me.
For starters, I had so much going on between guitar lessons, school, work, dog training, volunteering, researching, writing, and trying to maintain a social life, that I ran myself into the ground and got sick. I cancelled a date with someone that I want particularly attracted to, cancelled a date with my on again off again friend with benefits, cancelled a dinner with my parents, and really tried my best to give myself some time to decompress and get well.
Then, a woman I was attracted to was really candid with me about her current poly status and mentioned that she was so busy trying to maintain her relationships that it was starting to be not fun. Since I've been in the same place, I offered to back off and take a break from "us" for as long as she needed. This hit me harder than I expected, and kind of tossed me into a depression that made me cancel my monthly anime night with friends. Since I wasn't up for hosting a party, I decided to attend a party instead.
The burner party was perhaps the best vibe I've ever experienced at a party. I gave out massages, including a rather long and "made her see stars" erotic massage that earned me a new friend and cuddle buddy.
Sunday, I woke up, popped in some laundry and spent a couple hours catching up on my dating profiles. After reading a few dozen messages and realizing these women were as far from a good fit for me as they possibly could be, I deleted all of my dating profiles and resigned from dating until I either accidentally meet someone magical in the wild, move to somewhere that isn't stricken with whatever plagues the dating scene in Phoenix, or die (whichever comes first).
Monday, this Monday to be exact, I woke feeling uninspired. As the day progressed, I began to realize that I was depressed. I felt bitter towards my ex wife for three years of emotional abuse she subjected me to, but more for the 20% of my life she occupied with promises that we would start a family. I was disappointed in my progress as a human, disgusted by my lack of success on the path I want in my life, and disgraced by my utter failure to achieve my dreams. A conversation, a heart to heart, with my ex (who had recently lost a loved pet) helped me clear the air between us, allowed me to tie off a loose end that was neither fair to her nor helping me.
Tuesday, I woke up, filled my prescriptions, grabbed some food, and set my status on everything to offline. I messaged a few strategic friends to let them know that I was feeling down and antisocial and that they were the only people I was really open to talking to at all. The girl I've been crushing on for a couple months (hereafter known as "the girl") was the first to respond, asking me if everything was okay, and letting me know she had class and work and physical therapy but that she would talk later. The day wore on, I cut some ties with people who have only ever valued me as a utility, never as a human. I plugged away at work, diving into the kind of stuff that I sometimes do better than everyone else. The despondency started to melt away, allowing me to at least be positive about the things that I have going on in my life.
As the evening approached, the girl messaged me, a welfare check to make sure I was doing okay. I explained where I was and what I was feeling and thinking, and she gave me the absolute sweetest message of encouragement and affirmation that I have ever gotten. It moved me to tears. I thanked her in the only way I know how, and we talked about friendships and the natural development of relationships and started planning out our festival objectives for this weekend.
So, here I am, laying on my couch, cuddled up to my dogs, watching Bladedance of the Elementalers, writing this post to share with this community that has been the most accepting I've ever experienced. I still have no interest in dating, not until something changes either in me or my scenery. I especially have no interest in crawling through the multitude of lazily written profiles to find someone that might be delightful to spend time with.
And that's all for my rant. Thank you for reading.