so nothing has changed deep down. i am so notorious for lying to myself. "you're all right, you're all right", the surface tells my deep down chasm. i give in to requests of others, knowing that in the end it will only end up hurting me. i guess i'm a glutton for pain and self destruction. i know i want to move on, but i'm leaving everything that defined me. it's harder than it looks to recreate yourself on the inside. these days just seem so meaningless anymore. i remember when i broke down in the funeral scene of rent at her house and she held me while i cried. she knew how much it hurt to lose someone close. that was such a sad time, but it's one of my favorites. i'll never have that eerie peace again. not soon enough anyway. yes things have gotten way too complicated and it's going way out of reach for me. i'm getting way too tired of all this. i just seem to drink myself to sleep in the mornings afterwork and sleep all day until i have to go to work more than twelve hours later. my life is passing me by because i'm too afraid of losing anything else. i just wish i could spend all my money on ink and immortalize these feelings within the only thing i can call mine.
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