So, I wanted to post a separate blog on being aromantic, so let's get into that one shall we?
Aro for aromantic and gray aro for gray romantic are the two most common distinctions. Demiromantic is usually shortened to demiro if it is shortened at all.
So as being ace means not feeling sexual attraction or only feeling it a little bit, aromantic is not feeling romantic attraction or only feeling it a little bit. So what qualifies as a little bit? Well, that can vary by person, but for me I've only felt romantic attraction once in my life.
But what the hell is romantic attraction anyways? Have you ever had a perfect stranger profess their love for you? Have you crushed on movie stars, or some person you saw when you were out and about, did you imagine your life with them, did you think about them a lot, almost obsession, i.e. were you infatuated with them? Feeling the strange happy but unhappy tummy thing with butterflies when you saw or maybe even thought about them? Most of those are considered romantic things. And most aros don't feel that much or at all. Like, I just assumed that I was supposed to crush on someone eventually, I didn't think my classmates in high school were actually crushing on people, actually able to lose a sense of reason when seeing or thinking about someone else. I thought it was exaggeration! I thought we were all in on the same joke!
It wasn't until I felt those feelings for my wife that I knew maybe what they were talking about, and it took even longer before I found out that isn't particularly the way most people operate.
Other things that can count as near romantic if not specifically romantic: wanting to hold/cuddle the person in the “I feel so in ooey-gooey love with you way” and not the many other ways you can hold and cuddle with a person, like “this is my fantastic kid and I just need to snuggle the little critter” or “this is my friend who I hold close for comfort and calm” kind of ways. Feeling the need to read poetry to them, flirting, buying flowers or books or records or something the person likes to show you care, taking them for “a night out”. Now, I note that not all of these things are specifically romantic. You can buy a friend a cool thing without feeling romance, you can have fun flirting without actually wanting anything other than the flirting, you might read poetry to someone for any of a variety of reasons. A night out can be with friends or relatives or whatever. But they're common social assumptions of romance being present, thus the “oh no, we're not together” response that might have to be made to some “don't they make a cute couple” comment.
So why does this matter? What's so big about being aro anyways? Well, have you ever had someone hit on you or say “you're the love of my life” or try to make some romantic gesture and it fell flat with you? Now imagine that's how it feels with everyone who tries something like that on you. Hell, you might not even pick up on them flirting with you at all! (Though, side note: there's been research and it turns out we're far better at guessing if someone isn't flirting with us than if they are; turns out humans are very bad at picking out flirting.) But just imagine the world that is inundated with “you'll fall in love some day” and then just . . . not. Ever. And don't pity that aro person! They didn't feel it in the first place. It doesn't make them cold. They can still feel deep, wonderful feelings for friends and family. They can get married and have kids and all that. They just . . . don't look at someone and feel romantic feelings. If they know a partner sees a certain type of action as romantic they can still do that action, but they're not going to be feeling those romantic feelings while doing it, just a sense of “my loved one likes this and I want them to be happy so I will do the thing”.
Being aro is in some ways simpler, but in other ways more complex to understand personally versus being ace. At least with ace it's just a straight up “I don't feel the need to do it with people”, whereas romance is sometimes harder to define and thus understanding one is aro can be harder. For myself, while I love schmaltz and sappy love stories and the like, and romantic poetry and all of that, I only feel romantic feelings towards my wife. That is what finally helped me figure out who I am as a person in that respect.
Simplified: Much like with being ace, full on aros don't see you as a romantic interest at all, gray aros might but probably don't, and demiros might after they form a bond with you, but it's not assured that an emotional bond equals romantic interest. This doesn't mean they can't “be romantic”, but it does mean they rarely or never feel romance, depending on the person in question.
If this is helpful, pass it along! If you have a question feel free to ask in the comments (at least until this Friday, when my membership to this site expires). If you have a question after that, feel free to ask at the Twitter account listed, just know I only check that account every 2-4 weeks so give time for a reply. 👍
