While watching @Seducente 's stream and chatting, I realized as I was explaining some terms that they've become everyday terms for me, and that I just assume people know exactly what they mean. When she thanked me for explaining them because she did not know what they meant I realized I'm probably confusing people way more than I intend. So! I'm going to explain asexual/gray asexual/demisexual in this blog. I'll hit tomorrow or the next day with aromantic/gray aromantic/demiromantic. If you're interested in what those mean, stick around! If you don't care, this is about to get sorta boring sorta quick.
First, fun lingo! Ace is short of asexual, gray ace (or sometimes grace) is short for gray asexual. Demisexual is commonly shortened to demi in ace groups of folks, though considering the amount of other labels that use “demi” as a prefix, it can be less likely that that one gets shortened. And for this specific post when I "sexy" I'm using it in this blog in the meaning of "feeling of a person who wants to have their genitals in contact with the genitals of the person they just called sexy", i.e. specifically the concept of how people perceive you in terms of your sexual attractiveness.
So, let's start out with the term asexual. A lot of people assume asexual simply means means "not liking sex", and that is incorrect. As with all sexualities, it's about who you are and are not attracted to (I'll get back around to this at the end of this post). Now asexual is both an umbrella term and a specific label. Let's hit the umbrella first, asexuality as an umbrella term means “little to no sexual attraction”. That's the defining characteristic. Not low libido, not hating sex, ace folks just don't feel that “oh that person is sexy” feeling, or if they do it's so infrequent as to be honestly notable and sometimes even unwelcome. Asexual as a label is the “no sexual attraction” the “little sexual attraction” is known as being gray asexual. In both cases, the amount of sexual attraction an ace person feels is very low or simply nonexistent; I reiterate, you are not “sexy” to an asexual person, and most likely not “sexy” to a gray ace person. Demisexual is a specific type of gray asexual, where upon meeting someone there is zero sexual attraction, and it requires a significant bond with a person for sexual attraction to happen. This bond is different from person to person, but out of the gate you're still not sexy to a demisexual, and while some demis can form a bond with several people during their lifetimes, some (like myself) have only formed a bond with one. Yes, one person. There's only one person that I consider sexually attractive.
Now, demisexuality isn't “oh sure, get to know someone before you sleep with them”. That's not what demisexuality is at all. It's more like “we're friends or acquaintances and we're talking and this other person is really cool and suddenly (maybe it's years, maybe it's days, maybe it's hours) there's this sexual attraction to this person that I never felt before what is this witchcraft help me”. It's weird and foreign and off-putting to a lot of ace folks who up to that point haven't felt anything like it before, ever. And it's also not going to happen every time for every person. A demisexual might bond with two people in a similar manner and only feel sexually attracted to one of them.
Also, these sexualities are separate from the concepts of sex favorable, sex indifferent, sex averse, and sex repulsed. I'll go into them more in a later post because I feel like they deserve their own time, but suffice it to say they're used to designate and differentiate especially aces from folks who are just “fine with sex” as a default setting. They're more or less a “level of interest in the actual action of sex”, which doesn't specifically adhere to any sexuality. You could have a sex indifferent lesbian, a sex repulsed heterosexual, a sex averse bisexual, etc. The one most folks know in relation to ace folks is the sex repulsed one, because it's the one that's most expected, but it's not the only level of interest ace folks have towards sex.
Ace folks have a saying, “it's about attraction, not action”, and while this applies to aces, it applies to every other sexuality as well (getting back to that point I said I'd get back to). A guy can know he's gay without sleeping with another guy; his sexuality does not hinge on him having sex with other men, he's sexually attracted to men. Just as a bisexual or pansexual doesn't have to sleep with any, let alone multiple folks of a variety of genders to know they're bisexual or pansexual, and as a heterosexual person doesn't have to sleep with the opposite sex to know they're sexy. But it can be hard (please place your “that's what she said” joke here) to separate the attraction with the action for people who've always been taught the two are linked, and I'm here to tell you they can be linked, but they are not intrinsically linked. So if someone lets you know they're any flavor of asexual, the bare minimum you know is “I am most likely not sexy to this person”. It doesn't tell you if the ace person has a libido (some do, some don't), or if they still find people pleasing to look at (aesthetic attraction; some do, some don't), or if they masturbate (some do, some don't), or if they want a romantic partner (some do, some are aromantic as well and don't). The only thing asexual as a label lets you know, on its own? They almost certainly see you as friend material at most if they're continuing to talk to you. Which might seem bad but consider this: friends can be some of an ace person's closest, most important people in their lives.
Simplified: asexuals don't think you're sexy, gray asexuals might think you're sexy but probably don't, demisexuals might think you're sexy after they form a bond with you but don't count on it. And their specific type of sexual attraction (if they're being very specific with their labels) is the only thing that those labels tell you about them.
If this is helpful, pass it along! If you have a question feel free to ask in the comments (at least until this Friday, when my membership to this site expires). If you have a question after that, feel free to ask at the Twitter account listed, just know I only check that account every 2-4 weeks so give time for a reply. 👍